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Old 01-03-2021, 05:18 PM   #1
Whereto52
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Default Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

Hey,

For my whole life I kind of felt out of place or just wrong as a person. I can't seem to make friends or fit in anywhere because I am wierd. Everytime I talk to other people I never feel like having found people that can relate to what I am feeling or thinking.

So after many bad experiences and my problems of fiting in I have started to hate myself. I dealt with this feelings by working against myself or destroying myself.
I did self harm to control my anger. I took drugs everytime I felt like I hated myself.
It feels like an urge to do something against myself. Anything at all.

For a nearly 2 years now I haven't done something like mentioned above. But the urge still appears from time to time.

Does anyone know why this happens or why I feel the need to harm myself?
And how do I stop this urge once and for all?

I working on my self esteem but it doesn't really stick. It always shifts from acceptance to self hatred again and I don't want this to happen though all my life. Because it is hard to build relationships without some sort of self esteem or confidence.
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Old 01-04-2021, 12:11 PM   #2
karl7
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Default Re: Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

im sorry youre having such a tough time lately. As regard smaking friends would you beinterested in joining a mental health club....these are places where you can participate in activities such as art creative writing health management and group therapy to name but a few or else you can just drop in for a coffee....thereis no pressure and you do what you want.....you will meet lots of likeminded people there who understand and have been through it.....look in to it if i were you
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Old 01-04-2021, 05:29 PM   #3
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Default Re: Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

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im sorry youre having such a tough time lately. As regard smaking friends would you beinterested in joining a mental health club....these are places where you can participate in activities such as art creative writing health management and group therapy to name but a few or else you can just drop in for a coffee....thereis no pressure and you do what you want.....you will meet lots of likeminded people there who understand and have been through it.....look in to it if i were you
I don't belive that there is something like that in my country(mental health clubs) but I thought about joining an art course and maybe finding some friends there. Group therapy would be something I want to do if it is not to expensive.
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Old 01-05-2021, 06:25 PM   #4
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Default Re: Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

Hello. The urge to self harm is hard to give up or have it go away. I'm almost at a year without self harming and I still have urges almost everyday. My Pastor Therapist says that I am physiologically and emotionally addicted to self harm. Does that feel like it might be that way for you as well? He says I have to go two years to even start to be considered recovering. Ugh. Great job on not doing anything against yourself for nearly two years. That's great. I'm sorry you still get urges though. I know people five years out still get urges. I think it is just something that is going to happen for a long time. Maybe forever.


I don't really know how the mental health system is in Germany. Can you find a therapist to work with for the self esteem issues? My therapist helps me. I know longer think of myself as "bad" or "deserving punishment." Therefore it is a lot harder to actually commit any violence towards myself. In the US we have free support groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and it is kind of like group therapy. Even hanging out here on the forums and talking to people can be helpful. I'm not too sure how to advise you on the self esteem part. My therapist is what has really helped me and some really good friends who I can go to for almost any reason any time of day or night.


As for making friends can you volunteer somewhere? I have made some friends that way. Find a cause you care about and jump in. Mine is doing a food pantry. So I help pass out food to people who need it. But working with others to accomplish that goal has found me a couple of really good friends. Just an idea. Hang in there, don't give up hope. HUGS Kit
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Old 01-05-2021, 07:12 PM   #5
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Default Re: Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
Hello. The urge to self harm is hard to give up or have it go away. I'm almost at a year without self harming and I still have urges almost everyday. My Pastor Therapist says that I am physiologically and emotionally addicted to self harm. Does that feel like it might be that way for you as well? He says I have to go two years to even start to be considered recovering. Ugh. Great job on not doing anything against yourself for nearly two years. That's great. I'm sorry you still get urges though. I know people five years out still get urges. I think it is just something that is going to happen for a long time. Maybe forever.


I don't really know how the mental health system is in Germany. Can you find a therapist to work with for the self esteem issues? My therapist helps me. I know longer think of myself as "bad" or "deserving punishment." Therefore it is a lot harder to actually commit any violence towards myself. In the US we have free support groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and it is kind of like group therapy. Even hanging out here on the forums and talking to people can be helpful. I'm not too sure how to advise you on the self esteem part. My therapist is what has really helped me and some really good friends who I can go to for almost any reason any time of day or night.


As for making friends can you volunteer somewhere? I have made some friends that way. Find a cause you care about and jump in. Mine is doing a food pantry. So I help pass out food to people who need it. But working with others to accomplish that goal has found me a couple of really good friends. Just an idea. Hang in there, don't give up hope. HUGS Kit
Hey yeah, I am trying to find the right therpist at the moment. Already asked a few. The one that seemed nice over the phone sadly had no place available until may.

The thought of being bad or deserving of being hurt just started follow me through out the last 2 years too. Before that it was mostly just being suicidal and hatred. This somehow feels different.

There would be some places I could go volunteer but I am not so sure if I should go and do something that involves talking with too many strangers in one day.
Worked at small store once for a bit more than a year and that had me under a lot of stress.
But maybe something that only contains a consistent group like a course or club could work.

Thx for your help and I am glad to hear that you are getting better! Keep it up!
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Old 01-06-2021, 04:46 PM   #6
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Maybe an animal shelter would be a good idea. You would probably have to talk to a few people but then you would mostly get to hang with the animals. Feed them. Groom them. Stuff like that. Dogs are great for self esteem because they are so happy to see you all the time. My cats help me but I know they love me because they purr but they in no way get as excited as my Mom's dog is when she sees me. She jumps up and down and wags her tail and makes little noises until I pet her head. Then she'll usually run off and come back with a toy to play fetch or tug-o-war. Anyway, might be a good idea.


If you want to do a course, maybe do an art course or something. Might help to get some emotions out plus you would be around the same people all the time. Doesn't matter if you aren't good at art. You just gotta try.


Yeah, it is different feeling bad and deserving hurt than to feel hatred and be suicidal. I think they are connected but it is different. It's hard feelings to shake. I hope you can find a good therapist to talk to because that has certainly made a difference with me. That and just having a few good friends.


There may be a wait list for therapists. Usually a couple of months. May is kind of a long way away but it might be worth it just to get on the list. You can always cancel if you find someone to work with in the interim. Don't give up! You are worth it. It might not feel that way but it is true. Hang in there. Kit
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Old 01-08-2021, 09:11 PM   #7
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I can relate.
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Old 01-09-2021, 08:15 PM   #8
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Default Re: Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
Maybe an animal shelter would be a good idea. You would probably have to talk to a few people but then you would mostly get to hang with the animals. Feed them. Groom them. Stuff like that. Dogs are great for self esteem because they are so happy to see you all the time. My cats help me but I know they love me because they purr but they in no way get as excited as my Mom's dog is when she sees me. She jumps up and down and wags her tail and makes little noises until I pet her head. Then she'll usually run off and come back with a toy to play fetch or tug-o-war. Anyway, might be a good idea.


If you want to do a course, maybe do an art course or something. Might help to get some emotions out plus you would be around the same people all the time. Doesn't matter if you aren't good at art. You just gotta try.


Yeah, it is different feeling bad and deserving hurt than to feel hatred and be suicidal. I think they are connected but it is different. It's hard feelings to shake. I hope you can find a good therapist to talk to because that has certainly made a difference with me. That and just having a few good friends.


There may be a wait list for therapists. Usually a couple of months. May is kind of a long way away but it might be worth it just to get on the list. You can always cancel if you find someone to work with in the interim. Don't give up! You are worth it. It might not feel that way but it is true. Hang in there. Kit
Yes, I will be definitely go see a therapist. Sadly you are right, most of the therapists in my area haven no place available. Still got 3 to ask.

The last one I went too was wierd. I mostly learned about his familiy situation and where he goes to on vacation...

Already searched for a animal shelter nearby but they mostly take people with dog experience. I would get my own dog but my current landlord does not allow it. Moving is also not an option as I am just a student with not enough resources.

It is wierd how both feels different. Suicidal self harm and self harm for feeling of be deserving of it. I should probably work on my self esteem with my next therapist.
I get why it helps you too. It is uncomfortable to talk to a stranger about ones inner world at first but with time it usually gets better. And it felt good to have someone sit and listen while also giving good advice.

The art course is still something I am just considering as the one nearest is still about 30-40min bus drive away. But I enjoyed going to one when I was 14 and I believe I would still be enjoying it now
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Old 01-11-2021, 06:05 PM   #9
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Default Re: Self hatred and feeling the urge to do something against myself

The art course is a little ways away but I think it could be really fun and productive to help with self esteem and just emotions in general. I paint sometimes. I need to paint more but I don't know, I just don't. It does help get emotions out though.


Definitely look for a therapist but hold out for the right one. You don't need someone to talk about their family and vacation. That would annoy me anyway. You are worth finding the right therapist. It just takes time and patience.


Hang in there buddy. Kit
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