[atomicc]

Someone said to me recently (interestingly enough it was my ex-fiance who cheated on me), "You are not responsible for others mistreatment of you" and that hit me really hard. I've always been someone to take the blame and think how someone else treated me is somehow my fault.
I find myself thinking, "Well if I just compromised myself just a bit more for them or If I was good enough this wouldn't happen"
I know that it all ties back to my abysmal self-esteem, but I'm curious if anyone else feels this way?
Some days I can combat it because I know I am a kind, giving person who maybe just gives too much love away, but other days it really drags me down.

I used to. At this point I simply have enough issues to carry that I can not handle the burden of responsibility for anyone else's. If someone else treats me poorly, my only responsibility is to make my boundaries clear and enforce them.

Can you tell I've done a lot of therapy?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Anonymous57678

I used to. At this point I simply have enough issues to carry that I can not handle the burden of responsibility for anyone else's. If someone else treats me poorly, my only responsibility is to make my boundaries clear and enforce them.

Can you tell I've done a lot of therapy?

Good post.

[DarrenPH]

In the past, I have felt that way, but not so much any more. It does sometimes creep up on me but I tend to deal with it with logic. Thinking like you have been, I am not responsible for the way others treat me. There are other ways to deal with the situation, there are things you can do to stop people treating you like this but it's nothing to do you giving in to their wants, it's more to do with managing their expectations, I.e. letting them know that the way they are treating you is unacceptable. Once you take control and establish what is and isn't acceptable alot of the mistreatment tends to just go away.

[sarahsweets]

We are not responsible for how others treat us but we are responsible for how long we tolerate it,

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by atomicc

Someone said to me recently (interestingly enough it was my ex-fiance who cheated on me), "You are not responsible for others mistreatment of you" and that hit me really hard. I've always been someone to take the blame and think how someone else treated me is somehow my fault.
I find myself thinking, "Well if I just compromised myself just a bit more for them or If I was good enough this wouldn't happen"
I know that it all ties back to my abysmal self-esteem, but I'm curious if anyone else feels this way?
Some days I can combat it because I know I am a kind, giving person who maybe just gives too much love away, but other days it really drags me down.

I feel like this all the time. I took the blame for everyone else problem.

[ShaneG]

Originally Posted by atomicc

Someone said to me recently (interestingly enough it was my ex-fiance who cheated on me), "You are not responsible for others mistreatment of you" and that hit me really hard. I've always been someone to take the blame and think how someone else treated me is somehow my fault.
I find myself thinking, "Well if I just compromised myself just a bit more for them or If I was good enough this wouldn't happen"
I know that it all ties back to my abysmal self-esteem, but I'm curious if anyone else feels this way?
Some days I can combat it because I know I am a kind, giving person who maybe just gives too much love away, but other days it really drags me down.

Hi, There, hope things have improved somewhat since the last posting,
What I find useful when our local environment attempts to **** upon us and disregard our view of the situation, I alls remember this, Their mental illness ( personality disorders) affect us!

It's not my fault they collectively are revengeful and think you can't see through the group gaslighting attempts.

[ShaneG]

Originally Posted by Anonymous57678

I used to. At this point I simply have enough issues to carry that I can not handle the burden of responsibility for anyone else's. If someone else treats me poorly, my only responsibility is to make my boundaries clear and enforce them.

Can you tell I've done a lot of therapy?

Really good advice!

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

We are not responsible for how others treat us but we are responsible for how long we tolerate it,

Great post!

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

Thanks for sharing this on here, because I have the same issue too. I'm always blaming myself for things and thinking it's always my fault. Sometimes I remind myself to be kinder to myself and remind myself that it's not always my fault.

[ShaneG]

It's their collective illness, which affects us!

trust me **** all ever changes.

[Marie123]

There is OUR stuff....and THEIR stuff. We are only responsible for OUR stuff...our behavior. Everyone chooses their behavior. If someone is abusive, they have chosen that. Abusers are extremely insecure and want to blame everyone else for their behavior. It says everything about them....and has nothing to do with another person. Put the blame where it belongs...on the abuser.

[ShaneG]

Originally Posted by Marie123

There is OUR stuff....and THEIR stuff. We are only responsible for OUR stuff...our behavior. Everyone chooses their behavior. If someone is abusive, they have chosen that. Abusers are extremely insecure and want to blame everyone else for their behavior. It says everything about them....and has nothing to do with another person. Put the blame where it belongs...on the abuser.

Good choices of words.

[Nowlosingsanity]

Thank you for sharing your experience on here. I am so sorry you are going through that, it must be exhausting.

I experience this so much in my relationships, even at work with my boss, I kept thinking "if I just give a little more effort, she will see how hard I am working and give me a break" NO, she didn't, she just expected more out of me and was harsher toward me...Needless to say I didn't last more than 1 1/2 years at that job. I still catch myself wondering if it was my fault that I couldn't take the pressure, but I had heard so many things from coworkers about her and that I just needed to stand up to her. I wish I had taken their advice and trusted myself. Now I try to set boundaries with myself at work, do not stay after hours, be straight forward with my boss. I used to obsess over everything and had to do everything perfectly at work, but I'm trying to prioritize better and set realistic goals.

I really struggle to not blame myself for my messy family relationships. I try to remember that usually I am only half of the problem, and I am working on being more self-aware and learning where I need to improve my communication skills. Sometimes its not anyone's fault, its just that we have different views or miscommunications...Sometimes my family is being dysfunctional and they don't know how to be better. Its a constant struggle and it is exhausting.

[poshgirl]

Thank you for sharing this, it's something I can relate to.

My relationship with my mother (subject of post in another forum) has degenerated because I won't do something that goes against a basic moral code. Years ago I would have acceded to her wishes and apologised for this event that has caused a family rift.

Just because her mother allegedly ruined her self-esteem, it does not give her a free hand to mistreat me mentally. I've worked hard and continue to, trying not to be consumed by these negative traits. An ex-partner and ex-colleague years ago said I should get out of this toxic relationship How I wish I had had the strength then to do what I've done now. Next few days/weeks or even months are going to be difficult, but at 65 enough is enough.

As an adult, whatever your age, it's not your responsibility when others mistreat you, it's solely theirs is an ethos I totally uphold.