jkray

Sometimes I still feel exactly like the most unpopular kid who’s always the last one picked for the team. I mean this has literally happened to me in the past and now as a full-grown adult basically the same thing happened in an online meeting the other day. Why would someone even structure a supposed “team-building” activity this way in the first place? Then, when I’m finally given a chance to speak, why do I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I rush and say only a fraction of what I really want to?

It sucks that I still feel so little confidence in myself that something so minor still makes me just want to shrink away and hide. I feel like there’s still so much work I need to do when it comes to my self esteem that I don’t even know where to begin (or whether I’m a lost cause since I can’t shake these feelings and still feel like such a child).

It’s always been hard for me making and keeping friends. I’ve been at this job for a long time and I’ve always been nice to people and accomplished a lot professionally, but it’s like everyone is at best unaware of my existence and at worst weirdly repelled by me. I know intellectually that someone has to be chosen last and none of this likely was done purposefully, but why do I still feel so left out all of the time?

__________________
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Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade

- K. Flay from Make Me Fade

Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing your concerns. I'm afraid I don't have any solutions or advice to offer. But I thought I would at least leave a brief note letting you know I read your post... and I wish you well.

Que Sera Sera

ive reread your post a few times and same few questions pop up each time... have you been employed there longer than most of your coworkers? sre you older than most of your coworkers? do you have more experience doing this line of work than your coworkers?

jkray

Well, I’d say I fall kind of in the middle in terms of age and time working at my current job. I do have a lot of experience and an extra degree. I would say that some might think I stand out in terms of my background and way of seeing things.

__________________
—————————————————————————

Static on the line, I hear it all the time
But I'm quiet when you make me fade
Feel it coming back, watch it turn to black
But I'm brighter when you make me fade
You make me fade, you make me fade
You make me brighter when you make me fade

- K. Flay from Make Me Fade

WovenGalaxy

@jkray Reading your post, jkray, I can certainly relate to having thoughts like this. I've read that loneliness, in an of itself, can cause thought distortions in those who are lonely. Same goes with depression, anxiety, low self esteem...it lies. Maybe your coworkers are more glad you're there than you think. Or maybe they don't know what to say to you if you happen to give off a "don't talk to me" vibe. Maybe they are more outgoing? Doesn't make you a "child" or less than at all. Doesn't mean you belong any less. At least you are aware that some things need working on within you. Balance that out with what you like about yourself and what you've done right. As I'm sure there's a list of good things about you too. I hope you are feeling better today.

jkray

Yes, I think I do have a tendency to jump to negative (and often unrealistic) conclusions. Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective.