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Whereto52
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Default Aug 15, 2021 at 07:59 AM
  #1
Hey

All my life I have never been at peace with myself and never really felt secure.
The self-hatred I harbored was so intense and came with a lot of anger that I felt the urgent need to do something against myself.
Self-harm in teenage years and later when I graduated drugs were my go to to get a handle of that anger.

The last 2 years I tried to work on myself, tried to accept myself in some way. I went from self-hatred to something like self compasion/ confidence. At least I thought that I was getting somewhere.

But when everything this semester did not work out(failed exams,failed projects) I found myself back in the same place of self disgust.

Even after all this work I did on me as a person I am still stuck in the same ****ing place. So I guess it is time to go to therapy(again).

I already have an appointment with a psychotherapist in a 2 weeks since depression and anxiety start to worsen again too.
But that is still a long waiting time and for something that is not even the start of therapy(I would still need to wait for a place to open up after three first-meeting sessions).

So until then I need to figure out how I will manage living with myself.

What can I do to manage all the ****** emtions that came up again?
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Default Aug 21, 2021 at 08:10 PM
  #2
I am not sure if there is much advice I can give you. I know how hard it is to manage self hatred and yes it is very hard to shake and will creep back if your not careful. It has taken me a long time but I have stopped being so hard on myself when I get the setbacks and I try not to view them as failures or the progress made as lost. I hope things get better for you soon.
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Default Aug 24, 2021 at 10:25 PM
  #3
I have experienced quite a drop in feeling good about myself in the past year.
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Default Aug 25, 2021 at 04:42 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Cassoway View Post
I am not sure if there is much advice I can give you. I know how hard it is to manage self hatred and yes it is very hard to shake and will creep back if your not careful. It has taken me a long time but I have stopped being so hard on myself when I get the setbacks and I try not to view them as failures or the progress made as lost. I hope things get better for you soon.

I tried to see it that way too but I see other people who manage to keep a steady progress or get decent grades and then I look at myself.
For some reason for me its more set backs than progress.
Everyone around seems to be 2000 steps ahead in life while I struggle to even get 2 steps in.
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Default Aug 25, 2021 at 04:47 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by modestlychee6463 View Post
I have experienced quite a drop in feeling good about myself in the past year.
What happend?
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Default Aug 25, 2021 at 09:40 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Whereto52 View Post
I tried to see it that way too but I see other people who manage to keep a steady progress or get decent grades and then I look at myself.
For some reason for me its more set backs than progress.
Everyone around seems to be 2000 steps ahead in life while I struggle to even get 2 steps in.
That could be the story of my life. I find it difficult to trust my own perceptions of how other people are doing and have spent years and years beating myself over my failures. Of course a lot of people will remind you that it is not always the case that othetvpeople's progress is not what it seems. Certainly a lot of people aren't doing as well as I perceive them to be. However, that doesn't mean the perception isn't real.

Also, there are some people who are doing better, and do so in ways which seem effortless and really hard to understand. I try to, remind myself that this is life, some people get breaks, some people have different skills and abilities and most importantly of all, some people don't have to deal with the same s#!t of doubt, self hatred and low mood as others. Maybe your two steps forward are a much greater achievement than theirs because of what you have to overcome to.make them. Also who gets to dictate success? Maybe other people's success isn't as meaningful as they think it is if you can find a way to judge success in your terms?
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Default Aug 30, 2021 at 01:12 AM
  #7
What happened is that I have had to be with a person who doesn't seem to like me all that much and it just makes me feel worse about myself in my own life. I hardly get to spend time with people with whom I'm sure I would feel better hanging around. I feel I've accomplished little in life and the interests I do have I'm not able to share with anyone hardly.
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Default Aug 30, 2021 at 09:49 AM
  #8
I feel like I hate myself a little bit because I seem rather negative and feel hated too. I hate myself because I seem mired in some kind of bad mood all because of getting more bad news. I feel like I hate myself because I seem to have little hope in life and that I can't seem to get out of this gloom and I feel like I'm just another someone to scorn instead of someone to respect. I don't see how I'll feel good about me when all I see is what hasn't worked all that well for me.
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Default Aug 30, 2021 at 10:13 AM
  #9
It's really difficult to be where you are right now. It's very difficult to find any meaningful. Advice which is maybe where dialofuing with people who share this kind of ideation can help. I try to alleviate these symptoms in different ways one of which was self medication which nearly killed me and self harm which is often my go to response. I managed to stop the self medication 19 years ago but the self hatred and urges to self harm and self sabotage in response to low mood are still a huge problem for me. I can really identify with your difficulties in seeing a way through. You aren't on your own.

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Default Aug 30, 2021 at 03:40 PM
  #10
Thanks, Cassoway. It just seems like I'll never feel all that good about this girl I am. I have tried to lift others up. It's just hard to see why I even bother anymore. Life has a way of showing how less I am and I feel like saying to hell with it. I know I'm not alone.
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Disk Aug 30, 2021 at 04:12 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by modestlychee6463 View Post
Thanks, Cassoway. It just seems like I'll never feel all that good about this girl I am. I have tried to lift others up. It's just hard to see why I even bother anymore. Life has a way of showing how less I am and I feel like saying to hell with it. I know I'm not alone.
A lot of people in pain like you are are very giving people who tend to feel love and give more than they receive back. I know in my case that I struggle to disentangle my perceptions on reality. I sometimes feel. Like that beaten dog which is grateful for any bit of kindness shown. I have had a couple of experiences which have helped me though this but it's always there and always need to be worked on. Maybe you should have a think about why you extend your kindnesses to others. That might help you to look at yourself and your journey in a clearer light.

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