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Old 10-09-2021, 03:41 AM   #1
Whereto52
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Default Recovering from bullying

Hey

When I was in 10-15 my brother and I were bullied by a lot of people at my school. Not just classmates.
Later when we turned 13 and moved to a new place some of them would have the same way home since they lived in our neighbourhood.

Those experiences lead to depression, self harm, social anxiety and a few suicide attempts.
My self worth was totaly ****ed.

I'm 22 now and believed to be over it since I don't feel anything when I think about those times.
But I still feel helpless in social situations. I still smile and laugh it off when someone is being an asshole to me. Everytime someone gets angry I just get startled, laugh and say something to avoid the situation.
I get nervous when a group of people is talking loudly on the bus.
With 19 I was bullied out of my part time job by a few coworkers.
Stayed in a toxic friendship with someone who would ridicule his friends in front of everyone, insult them and putting them down.
So somehow I still behave like I did before which means that I am not over it and still have this "was bullied" mark on me.

I already went to therapy for a long time but I never really did behavioral therapy. And can't until april/mai nexr year for insurance policy reasons.

So I want to know from you guys, how do I get better? How do I lose this target on my back?
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Old 10-09-2021, 05:57 AM   #2
Broken Old Man
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Default Re: Recovering from bullying

Good morning Whereto52.

Hopefully you can find some answers here.
I grew up with very low self-esteem. I was the oldest of 5 children.
I remember never feeling like I was good enough, not good enough for my dad, not good enough for the girls I wanted to date, just not good enough.
As a result, I spend most of my time trying to become what I though other people wanted me to be.
The problem was, everyone wanted me to be something different.
Fast forward till today, after three failed marriages, etc. etc.
As I look back, I realize I spent most of my life trying to prove I was good enough.
I found a wonderful counselor several years ago who helped me tremendously.
She finally got through to me and showed me that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of us.
The only thing that matters is what we think of ourselves. Happiness and joy come from within.
If we can get to a point where we like ourselves, we can start to find that internal happiness and joy.
Today, I have grown to the point where I like me. I really don't care what other people think.
Life isn't perfect, I'm still not really good at relationships, but I'm comfortable just being me.

Not sure if this will help or not, but I felt the need to share.

BOM
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Old 10-10-2021, 01:45 PM   #3
Whereto52
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Default Re: Recovering from bullying

Quote:
Originally Posted by Broken Old Man View Post
Good morning Whereto52.

Hopefully you can find some answers here.
I grew up with very low self-esteem. I was the oldest of 5 children.
I remember never feeling like I was good enough, not good enough for my dad, not good enough for the girls I wanted to date, just not good enough.
As a result, I spend most of my time trying to become what I though other people wanted me to be.
The problem was, everyone wanted me to be something different.
Fast forward till today, after three failed marriages, etc. etc.
As I look back, I realize I spent most of my life trying to prove I was good enough.
I found a wonderful counselor several years ago who helped me tremendously.
She finally got through to me and showed me that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of us.
The only thing that matters is what we think of ourselves. Happiness and joy come from within.
If we can get to a point where we like ourselves, we can start to find that internal happiness and joy.
Today, I have grown to the point where I like me. I really don't care what other people think.
Life isn't perfect, I'm still not really good at relationships, but I'm comfortable just being me.

Not sure if this will help or not, but I felt the need to share.

BOM
This was actually very helpful! It gave me a bit of hope.I should probably start searching for a professional to work with me on my self-esteem.
Thanks for sharing!
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Old 10-12-2021, 05:34 PM   #4
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Default Re: Recovering from bullying

I have the trauma of bullying as well, except my experience occurred last year in the form of cyberbullying. One that lasted three months, and another that lasted several months. One by an ex-friend, another by an ex romantic partner. They both did a smear campaign against me and destroyed my reputation and had people attacking me left and right when I had never done what they were telling people I had done. But more importantly, their gaslighting got into my head. This experience was so traumatic and severe I considered self-harm when it was occurring. I still need to do trauma therapy to heal from it.

I am still waiting to get treatment but I will share some things I have learned in my own research and some things that help me cope:

Write down a list of things you know, like, and value about yourself that come from your perspective and not other people's perspectives.
Learning how to do positive self-talk (it takes practice)
Write love notes to yourself and stick them in places you see daily to remind yourself you are loved.
Read books about healing. I'm currently reading a good one about healing trauma through yoga.
As it was already said, learn to love and accept yourself. And respect yourself. Be authentic.
Learning about boundaries and how to stand up for myself.
Doing positive affirmations has been helpful too.

I think everyone will probably find their own techniques and methodologies and it's important to figure out what works for you personally. Just remember that, no matter what anyone has done to you, you are still a lovable person. And it's possible to move beyond the wounds of being bullied.
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Old 10-13-2021, 02:53 PM   #5
Whereto52
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Default Re: Recovering from bullying

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinnamonsun View Post
I have the trauma of bullying as well, except my experience occurred last year in the form of cyberbullying. One that lasted three months, and another that lasted several months. One by an ex-friend, another by an ex romantic partner. They both did a smear campaign against me and destroyed my reputation and had people attacking me left and right when I had never done what they were telling people I had done. But more importantly, their gaslighting got into my head. This experience was so traumatic and severe I considered self-harm when it was occurring. I still need to do trauma therapy to heal from it.

I am still waiting to get treatment but I will share some things I have learned in my own research and some things that help me cope:

Write down a list of things you know, like, and value about yourself that come from your perspective and not other people's perspectives.
Learning how to do positive self-talk (it takes practice)
Write love notes to yourself and stick them in places you see daily to remind yourself you are loved.
Read books about healing. I'm currently reading a good one about healing trauma through yoga.
As it was already said, learn to love and accept yourself. And respect yourself. Be authentic.
Learning about boundaries and how to stand up for myself.
Doing positive affirmations has been helpful too.

I think everyone will probably find their own techniques and methodologies and it's important to figure out what works for you personally. Just remember that, no matter what anyone has done to you, you are still a lovable person. And it's possible to move beyond the wounds of being bullied.
I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that!
But I am glad that you found methods that are helping you heal.
When it comes to finding things that I could like about myself I end up empty handed.
If someone were to ask me about my strenghts I would not know what to say.

I will look for books again! Already have a few abour self-esteem but I haven't really gotten anywhere with them.

Thanks for sharing and thanks for the advice
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Old 10-14-2021, 11:41 AM   #6
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Default Re: Recovering from bullying

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whereto52 View Post
I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that!
But I am glad that you found methods that are helping you heal.
When it comes to finding things that I could like about myself I end up empty handed.
If someone were to ask me about my strenghts I would not know what to say.

I will look for books again! Already have a few abour self-esteem but I haven't really gotten anywhere with them.

Thanks for sharing and thanks for the advice
Hey, it's no problem! It's really, really hard to experience any kind of abuse or bullying, and it does damage your self-esteem. Whether it happens in childhood or as an adult.

It can be hard at first to change your perception of yourself. Another technique I read about is making a list of achievements. I understand you are younger than me, but you still have achieved things in your life. I wrote out my list and put it on my wall to remind myself I'm not always a failure, I HAVE achieved things. My list surprised me, it has 11 things on it. I had no idea I had accomplished so much because I always told myself I was a failure. I realize this doesn't have much to do with bullying, but it does relate to self-esteem.

I am adopting the habit of writing down three things I did well every day at the end of the day. It's just small things like this that build self-esteem and make you realize you are more than you think you are. It's about changing the narrative others have told you about yourself. You can have your own narrative. and tell those negative bullies off. Even if just in your mind.

I hope you enjoy those books, and if you can share the titles I'd love to look them up myself.
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Old 10-18-2021, 10:37 AM   #7
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Default Re: Recovering from bullying

@Whereto52 Thank you for bringing this up, Whereto52. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, and I think it takes a lot of strength to write about it and ask these questions. You're going in the right direction.

I haven't read the other responses from my fellow posters yet, but here is my response / advice / insight from what I've gathered very recently: I have been bullied too. I have been bullied out of jobs, in school where I couldn't hide, and I also used to be friends with jerks. I don't know about you, but I am a very nice person in social situations. Probably too nice. I think this is probably a problem. Some people take advantage of nice people. It is not a personal thing. It is the way I'm coming to realize the world works. Some people are mean to nice people. Why? Because they can get away with it. We won't tell anyone, we won't call them on their ****. We're too scared to do anything. And that is the crux of it. People who bully, people who treat others poorly, can only count on us not doing anything about it. If someone does something hurtful to you, you need to tell them to go **** off. Or tell your boss. Avoidance can work, but it only goes so far. I know its scary to stand up for yourself. Find ways to learn how. There is a false belief that if you are nice to someone, they will respect you and treat you well. Unfortunately, in our world, this is a false belief and it is not true. It doesn't mean you should be a jerk yourself and treat people poorly. I don't think being nice is the issue. I think its more that we don't stand up for ourselves. I get a lot out of being kind to others. But that doesn't mean I should take others ****.

In the workplace, however, we need to be appropriate. Telling someone to **** off is not appropriate. Find ways to tell / show them they cannot treat you that way. It will help. I always cowered at my bullies. I pretended they weren't there. I ignored the problem. I tried to be nice. I tried to be friends with them. None of this helped because this is not how they work. Its not how the world works. I also think toxic environments are real. Put yourself in situations and with people who are nice to you. Who you feel good around. It will help to work on improving your self esteem as well.

It is hard and scary to stand up for yourself. I think it will be worth it. Experiment with it. You may not get it "right" on the first try. Keep going. Be patient with yourself. Practice. I'm right there learning with you and practicing, btw. You're not alone. We aren't alone either.

I hope I helped. Be well.

****** treatment is always your opportunity to say no and walk away.

Last edited by WovenGalaxy; 10-18-2021 at 01:47 PM.. Reason: added some things!
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