Building self-esteem, motivation, self-improvement

Hello, I'm new to the forum and I hope this is the right place to post. I am reaching out for help and advice on how to build self-esteem.

I've always had very low self-esteem/self-worth, and I believe this is a main factor in most undesirable behaviors that I want to change. I'm afraid to take up space and bother people, I always doubt myself and I feel lost. On the outside I am arguably doing very well, but I wish that I could feel comfortable with myself and happy. But instead of going out and working on myself, getting out of my comfort zone, I often just stay home and feel bad about myself and overthink things. I want to do something, but I just sit/lie there and feel dread when I think about the things that I need to do, even if I know it'd be good for me. I feel like I have wanted to change for as long as I can remember, but I have never been able to keep it up long enough to make a difference, and that doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I recently went through a breakup after less than a year together. It was hard for both of us because the majority of that time was spent long-distance, and we didn't get much time to connect outside of that as we're both pretty busy.

The reason why I liked him was for his seemingly endless motivation and persistence for self-improvement, his desire to be a good person to others, and we had a surprising number of hobbies in common. Although I can't quite say the same about myself, I've always wished that I "had more motivation" and I wanted to be a more friendly and growth-mindset person. He always openly gave me feedback on the things I did that he thought weren't good; for example, I can sometimes be quite judgmental, and that's something I want to change. I'm grateful that he's brought these issues to my attention and wanted to help me fix them. We broke up because he always felt like I didn't put in any effort to improve even as he gave feedback and suggestions. Our breaking point came when we discussed what inspired us about each other, and he couldn't name anything other than that I am athletic and I motivate him to be more active.

So I want to ask for advice today on how I can put myself together and work towards all the things I admired about him, for myself. I thought that things could work out if we just put in the effort, and selfishly I hoped that he could be there to lend me a hand and help me through that journey. I've realized that I'm the red flag and the only person I can and should count on to learn to love myself, is myself. How do I build habits of working on the things I want to do and improve on, but currently avoid because "I'm tired" or "it's too hard" or "I'm scared"? How do I find burning motivation to do things in life and chase my dreams?

And a tangent, I've been having trouble figuring out how to channel my emotions after the breakup. I go back and forth between "I wish we could've just tried a bit longer" and "wow I really suck as a person, I want to get better"; but even to that last point, I want to make sure my desire to improve is for myself, not because I'm being delusional and hoping if I become a good person perhaps we can reconnect. I really thought and still think he's an amazing person I can imagine a life with, but I don't want to draw motivation from that. I feel sad that we let go of it, but how do I stay grateful for our time together, take it as a lesson learned and move forward without regrets?

I know this was a big jumble of words and feelings, but I hope it made some sense. Thank you in advance for any comments and advice, and please feel free to be blunt about it.

Hi there purplemango.

Thank you for being transparent with your experience. Sorry to hear you're walking thru all of that.. I feel you.
What would you say the top 3 things you're struggling with? Just curious.

Hi Illuminator,

Thanks for your response. I would say these are the main things I'm struggling with:

- I doubt myself a lot and I find it difficult to go about life without feeling like I'm doing it wrong or I should be doing it better. Getting myself to feel more reassured tends to lead to directly comparing myself to those around me and reasoning that I'm doing better in X. But I know this is a horrible way to go about it, and I want to feel ok about myself independently of those around me...

- Even when I notice a problem about myself, I lack the motivation or initiative to actually go fix it. I have historically spent a lot of time just thinking things through and perhaps ruminating by myself in a diary, and I haven't genuinely opened up to anyone other than my last boyfriend. I wonder if posting on an online forum is any better than just writing to myself if I'm not likely to manifest some crazy "aha!" moment from this and put things into motion. I like to think that if I surround myself with people who inspire me to become a better person it will come more naturally.

- I'm not really sure what to look forward to in life. I'm currently just getting through one step at a time, but I don't have an ultimate goal or want to work towards. Even if I had a goal, do I have enough of a growth mindset to relentlessly pursue it?

In the end my hopes are that I will slowly feel more comfortable in my own skin with time, and realize that I can do whatever I want to do.