[Locust]

Trigger possible: Long rant, involving beauty issues, some parts of the body considered sexual, also mentions another sexual topic that could upset people...........porn........and it mentions weight issues, etc.

Please, someone, explain this to me, or at least, join me in my griping.

Have you noticed, people can't make up their minds, they speak BS and don't even realize it, etc.? You can't win for losing? This is, at this moment, the specific thing I refer to.

This guy I like tells me he doesn't like makeup. Yet, I am telling you all that foundation is the only way I can even look normal and presentable. I believe he's being honest, though, since he tells me he has seen the same women with and without makeup and preffered them without. Although, I will not show my face without. Yet, I think many men who say this aren't honest. I think they are full of BS. I don't think some of these men who tell me this, even notice I am wearing it, but I guarantee they'd notice how much worse my skin looked, if I wasn't wearing it. Also, often times, these same men will end up with girls loaded down in makeup. Not that they don't have a right to eventually break their own rules or like someone outside their usual preferences.

Recently, Miss Kentucky announced her cause is raising the self esteem of young women. Now, that is worthwhile, and I don't mean to knock her, if she really cares about it. With that said, this seems perverse to me. The competition she is in, is mainly looks focused. You can say they have interviews, and a talent portion, but the truth is, if you had a woman on there who was very talented, creative, articulate, intelligent, caring, and firey, but she was also the ugliest woman in the world, who do you think would win? If you set her next to another woman who was mediocre in most of these areas, and maybe slightly above average in one or two, but drop dead gorgeous, she would be the winner. Because the main focus, is beauty, hence the name, beauty contest. So, her competition focuses mainly on looks. Now, I'm honestly not talking about hypocrisy, because truth be told I think we all contradict ourselves sometimes, and are even somewhat hypocritical, so no judgement is intended towards her. People are complex, and just because the competition is important to her doesn't mean she judges other women mainly on looks, nor does it mean she doesn't care about young ladies' self esteem, but I will get to my point momentarily. Anyway, I read somewhere a huge number of Miss America Contestants had breast implants. What strikes me as so messed up about that, is these women are drop dead gorgeous, anyway, but they're still not good enough, as they naturally are? Seriously?! Okay, now to the point.

Sweet as her intentions may be, I have to say, if someone was in a pagent focused mainly on looks, and they tried to tell me, looks aren't everything, I'd be inclined to say, well, apparently they are not only very important to the world, but they must be very important to you- at least your OWN looks must be. Otherwise, why put yourself through the torture (I'm sure it's prob. torturuous) of being in this type of beauty pagent? So, if you focus on your own looks so much, how can you expect me to not focus on mine? Figure out how to not base your worth so much on your own, and then tell me how you did that. Because right now, you can't help yourself in the self esteem dept. looks wise, you needed that validation, but you were actually pretty enough to be in the competition. I'm not. So think of how much more looks focused and down on your looks you would feel if you knew you weren't even good enough to be in the competition. Okay, that's how I feel. So if, as beautiful as you are, you need this validation- and if she's anything like these other women (dunno if she had any plastic surgery done) that would mean, as beautiful as she was, she didn't feel good enough naturally- then how can she make me feel good enough? If it's so important to this already incredibly gorgeous woman to look better and be validated that way, that she would butcher her body (again, dunno if she did, but many contestants do) how could she tell me to focus on other things more?

On top of this, she wasn't really doing that, or at least not entirely. She mentioned looks. She said she wanted women to appreacite their own unique beauty. Back to the plastic surgery. Most women in the competition had plastic surgery for breast implants despite being exceptionally beautiful. What about their own unique beauty? If they were thinking of that, of unique, personal beauty, why did they have surgery to fit a stereotypical ideal? Indeed, why even be on a show that judges you based on that stereotypical mold? Obviously theta's not appreciating their own unique beauty, so why expect me to appreciate mine?

Now, I have tried to help others with probs. I have myself and can't fix, so I understand. But what really gets me is, it seems condescending for someone so beautiful to tell a bunch of girls who are considered plain jane, ugly, etc. that they need to appreciate their own unique beauty, when she has looks they all covet and despearately want- she has the looks most people really go for. How can she tell them to be happy living without, the very thing she has? Not only could it be misconstrued as rude, almost like saying, "get over it" or "deal with it" in a nice way, when she has it, but on top of this, it's almost like a pity comment. I mean, imgaine Albert Einstein telling you how smart you are when you got an elementary math prob. correct, or Picasso telling you how you should be proud of your artistic skill when all you wanted was to be a masterful painter, and you just finished drawing a crooked stick man that you intended to be straight. This seems the equivalent to me.

On a similar note, I had my friend tell me hard work, passion, etc. trumps talent. They- we'll call em F- were trying to make me feel better, since I love to write, but suck at it. Yet, F is talented. And everyone they've ever loved romantically was talented. How can F tell me this, when they have what I crave? Just like Miss Kentucky has the looks I crave and tells girls to appreciate their own looks, here is someone with talent, which I also crave, telling me, it's not as important as I esteem it to be. It is to me. I don't have it. Yet, maybe Miss Kentucky's heart is in the right place, and I know F's heart is in a nice place. But still, I think, "You don't know what it's like." Of course, F can't help it, it doesn't mean F shouldn't attempt being supportive and trying to understand, and also I'm glad they don't know what it's like and I'm glad for the kind words. Yet, if everyone F has ever loved romantically has talent in my eyes, and I ASSUME had talent in F's eyes, then how can they say, talent doesn't matter?

I hear men say, "I like real breasts. I don't like fakes." But many of these same men expect large, perky breasts. Guess what? Large and perky is usually fake. Not always. But usually. It's like being 100% without cellulite. I read somewhere 80 or 90% (not sure which, but 80 is a lot, anyway) of women 20 and over (or maybe it said over 20) had some amount of cellulite. So, point being you can find them without, but it is so rare. Same with large, perky, natural breasts.

Some men don't mind if they aren't large. May even prefer them small, but men who like them saggy, are as rare as women with large, natural, perky breasts are. And when prompted- fake or saggy? Most say fake. Even though they just got through telling you they hate fake breasts, and prefer natural. Some of these same men might tell you they like big breasts. But if you like big, perk, natural breasts, you only like imaginary ones, for the most part, okay?! To me, this is pretty much equivalent to telling the overwhelming majority of large breasted women, your breasts will never be good enough- because they will be either saggy, or fake- and you hate fake, and think saggy is worse.

Oh, and then there are the guys who say, "I wish you women could just love yourselves- we really don't notice your flaws!" BS. BS! I'd love to cuss one of these guys out because that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. Men love flawless women. That's the fantasy. It's not realistic, but ultimately, it's what they want. In pornography, women are flawless- men, look like the guy next door. So women watching porn are watching everyday men, flaws and all. Men watching it are looking at perfect, often surgically and cosmetically altered women who are 1/3 real, and the rest is plastic and poison (like botox). Men prefer those women to women like me. I can't measure up. Those women can't measure up without surgery, even if they were beautiful to start with! Then movie stars and models. Older men are accepted, as women age we aren't wanted, anymore. Overweight rappers have skinny girls all over them, but the overweight female rappers get dissed for being "fat" and "ugly". Men expect big breasts to be perky and natural and women forget what real breasts look like because we see so many fakes on t.v. and so many perfect ones. I saw a commerical talking about large pores and this man on it (although scripted I am sure) said as a man he never worried about large pores, but now men were worrying about them more. I thought to myself, exactly. Men don't worry, generally about these things. Women do as we look at all these airbrushed faces. Men notice our large pores, magazines show perfect skin, how am I not supposed to know I am deformed and hideous with this cheese grater face?! But men don't notice, because women can love their flaws. I hate being female. Hate it. And men can say what they want, but they DO notice our flaws. I hear guys making fun of women all the time- oh her, saggy breasts, her cellulite, her big stretch marks, her fat as*. Well, guess what? When I was a little kid- a skinny one- I had stretch marks and cellulite. It's not all about weight. I can't diet and fix it. It's there.

So people tell us, appreciate your unique, beauty. Talent is not the most important thing. Fake breasts and makeup are undesirable. Men don't mind you're imperfections. Yet, they turn to people who have stereotypical beauty, butcher themselves to look stereotypically attractive, only go for beautiful, talented people, like perky, large breasts (that are almost always fake), but only if they are natural, seem more attracted to people with makeup or don't notice you are even wearing it (prob. think you look worse without it) and companies are prob. even more likely to hire women for working with the public if they have makeup on, if you ask me. And then, while men might sleep with women they aren't even attracted to, they go behind their backs and talk about their very common imperfections (like how the lady had stretch marks) even though, they themselves may have the same imperfections. So, basically, they're all a bunch of BS liars, right? So, how am I supposed to feel good about myself?

I read most of your post.

And to be honest, none of what these people are saying strike me as ********.

The truth of the matter is if a guy who loves you...he loves you, fantasies are nice, and everyone has them...but it doesn't mean that ONLY what guys like (Or else there would be a loooot of single people out there right now) Not everyone has the same ideal. Just because you think you look bad without makeup doesn't mean who is looking feels the same way.

The same thing goes with talent...9o% of professional people who we think are talented actually aren't talented. They are masters at what they do, but that doesn't make them talented. How many people are born able to play concert piano, or born Olympic champions or born masterful artists? Not very many, and there are many out there. It takes work- a lot of work, sometimes a lifetime. The truth being that no matter what you are trying to master the idea of perfection is ultimately unattainable. Somebody will always be better then you so trying to be the perfect and the best at something will never pan out.

Ultimately, your toughest critic is yourself. If enough people say you are talented...or that you look beautiful, or your writing is good, then you are. At least to other people you are.

[Junerain]

There IS a lot of condescension, hypocricy, sterotyping, and perhaps the worst and most common- plain old JUDJING!

Then again you are right the BS-ing and the lying to cover up what the judger just did- they made us feel inferior over something we cannot control!! Also occurrs with wealth- oftentimes we cannot control how wealthy we are, not 100% of the time but OFTEN!

I'm with you here, this angers me too..

....I guess all one can do is accentuate what we DO have going for us, no matter the size of the ability/trait...

I find myself OOZING with kindness/sweetness/empathy.....I try to accentuate my good traits BIG TIME- I blow people over!!!! I work hard at it!!!!!!!!

[sunrise]

The physical stuff--I don't let it bother me. My features are OK, but I have a bad complexion and have always had acne and my face is always very red due to blood vessels near the surface and I have really dark circles under my eyes and it is not because I don't get enough sleep. I am done worrying about this stuff. I could stand to lose some weight, which is something I could change if I worked hard at it. I don't know--it's just all not that important to me (except for the extra weight, which has a negative effect on my health). I am getting a divorce so I don't have a man I am trying to impress. I'm not sure I'll ever have another relationship again. I just am not in the mindset to try to impress men with my looks. I have male friends and co-workers and they seem to be able to talk and work with me without vomiting.

As for the comment that some men say they don't like make-up. I think in general they are not referring to foundation. Most men wouldn't even know what "foundation" was if you told them you used it. I think when they say they don't like make-up, they mean they don't like an unnatural look or anything overdone, or maybe the eye make-up and lipstick--things that are within their ability to notice.

As for talent, it has been my experience that the successful in life don't necessarily have talent but they are hard workers, and have motivation, and often such things as being conscientious and being responsible (showing up for work on time, always finishing a job when you say you will, sticking to a project and not giving up even if you get frustrated, etc.). I think these count for more than raw talent. That has been my experience.

[sheenamegami]

**Sorry, mild swearing in this post. Went off on a rant of my own.**

I agree with you locust.

I go to art school. At least once a week, we have to put up what we have made and let everyone else tear it down. People keep saying that if you just do your best, then that is all that matters. What a load of crap. No one cares what your personal best is, only how it looks when you put it against the next guy.

My roommate keeps trying to encourage me, telling me that I'm talented. But I work twice the hours she does on homework, and we'll both get the same grade. The crap she pulls out of her *** the night before gets more praise and better reception than the pieces I spend weeks putting together.

I graduate in three weeks, and I owe over $40k in student loans. No one in my field is hiring entry level positions, and everything that I enjoy I either can't charge what it's worth, or it isn't valued in today's society (I'm a textile artist, so I dye, spin, knit, etc. all very time consuming things). My teacher's tell me that I should value my work and charge more for it, but when I do they say I "certainly think highly of myself" and proceed to tell me all of the reasons my work isn't worth it.

I've always had self-esteem issues. I really should never have gone into a creative field.

[Vlo1980]

Hi Locust!

I'm afraid you are half right. To say that looks don't matter is total bs but there's more to it than that. Physical beauty helps because it attracts attention and makes it easy to find potential mates but that isn't necessarily a good thing unless your character matches what you look like on the outside. If that isn't the case then the people you meet will eventually lose interest and move on. It's all an illusion really. Physical attraction fades in time and looks do too, unfortunately.

Of course it is important to take care of yourself and try to look good but if you attach excessive importance to your appearance, you may end up subscribing to the erroneous belief that your worth depends on your looks rather than on your inner values. Big mistake! And unfortunately many of us learn this the hard way..

Hope y'all doing good! Tootles..