Memories don't want anymore

JayS · May 25, 2009, 10:26 AM

The last few day's I have been going through hell with a relationship issue.... anyway, something came up that made me think about my childhood and the stuff that happened.... I wish I could forget but it is burned into my head and if I don't say anything about it I'm going to do something stupid.

It all has to do with my mother, I'm sure she hated me but I'll never get to ask her why.

I don't know when it started but I must have been about 5 or 6..... she would undress in front of me then undress me, I never knew what was going on and I didn't know it was bad... she would move her hands all over me and would spend a long time pulling on me. I know I didn't like it but I would get yelled at and hit if I tried to hide from her... When she wasn't messing with me, I would spend most of my time hiding under my bed so she wouldn't know where I was, but when she started screaming, I knew to go to her or I would get hit ten times on both hands with her hair brush... those bristles would hurt so much... this happened everyday, there was no escape for me.

I remember one day I was having fun jumping up and down on the top bunk bed, she came in yelling at me to stop, that I could get hurt... so she grabs me by the arm and yanks me to the floor, I remember nothing after that... later I was told that I was brought to the hospital because my heart stopped when I hit the floor.

But the one that is still so alive in my memory is when I was ten... she held both my hands on the hot wood stove... I got third degree burns from that. I was forced to lie about it at the hospital, "I fell and grabbed the stove by accident" I couldn't say anything because she was in the room watching.

The last time something happened I was 12, she went mad and started swinging a knife at me saying that she wished I was never born. The tip of the knife sliced my upper lip but I ran away from her... I now have a scar there as a everyday reminder.

After that, my family split up and she was put in the nut house, I don't know what was wrong with her and I never be able to ask why? It has ruined my life and affects everything I do and has left me dead inside, I just don't know who I am.

It took me 3 hours to type this.... and now I feel like crawling in a hole so no one can see me, so please don't laugh at me.

Sannah · May 25, 2009, 11:06 AM

Jay, I am so sorry that all of that happened to you! You can heal Jay. Are you in therapy? There is nothing wrong with you talking about this.......

JayS · May 25, 2009, 11:30 AM

Sannah,

Thank you.... and no, I've never had therapy... I'm not sure I could take it.
I never wanted to say anything about it or tell anyone... but with everything that's going on right now I feel I'm going to snap.

Rapunzel · May 25, 2009, 11:57 AM

How old are you now, Jay?

You might or might not have read some books by or about others who had moms who did things like yours did (like A Child Called It, by Dave Pelzer). I would imagine those books would be hard for you to read, even more so than for most people. But you would know that you are not the only one. And it is tragic that you were treated that way.

You deserve the chance to heal from your childhood. Therapy doesn't have to start with the things you aren't sure you can take. You would be in charge of where you want to go with it and what you are ready for. You might start with learning ways to cope right now, for example.

Catherine2 · May 25, 2009, 02:24 PM

Jay,
It took courage to post and share with us, I commend you for doing it.
I'm very sorry that your childhood was so terrible...

Jme, but dealing with my own childhood trauma was nearly as hard as going through it...in many ways, it was going through again! When I stopped being a keeper of the secrets, I was terrified and felt so alone.
Therapy was a very slow process for me...
Initially, I could not speak about the abuse, anything currently going on in my life was all right.
I cannot say with certainty when I knew I needed to talk about it, empty my spirit of it, plea for understanding why it happened to me.
My therapist was an open-minded and wonderful human being.
I began by writing notes to him, he would read them then ask me questions via another note, I'd answer*when* I could with another note. Those sessions were long and hard but also the only way I felt comfortable.
There were times I would just hand him what I had written in my journal, ask him to read it later, then I'd talk about anything but what was in that letter.

What I'm trying to share is that bringing it out in the open is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was also one of the best.
I had to do something; I was drowning...

Please keep posting, sharing, letting us know how you are...
We Care
I Care

Catherine

JayS · 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

How old are you now, Jay?

You might or might not have read some books by or about others who had moms who did things like yours did (like A Child Called It, by Dave Pelzer). I would imagine those books would be hard for you to read, even more so than for most people. But you would know that you are not the only one. And it is tragic that you were treated that way.

You deserve the chance to heal from your childhood. Therapy doesn't have to start with the things you aren't sure you can take. You would be in charge of where you want to go with it and what you are ready for. You might start with learning ways to cope right now, for example.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catherine2

Jay,
It took courage to post and share with us, I commend you for doing it.
I'm very sorry that your childhood was so terrible...

Jme, but dealing with my own childhood trauma was nearly as hard as going through it...in many ways, it was going through again! When I stopped being a keeper of the secrets, I was terrified and felt so alone.
Therapy was a very slow process for me...
Initially, I could not speak about the abuse, anything currently going on in my life was all right.
I cannot say with certainty when I knew I needed to talk about it, empty my spirit of it, plea for understanding why it happened to me.
My therapist was an open-minded and wonderful human being.
I began by writing notes to him, he would read them then ask me questions via another note, I'd answer*when* I could with another note. Those sessions were long and hard but also the only way I felt comfortable.
There were times I would just hand him what I had written in my journal, ask him to read it later, then I'd talk about anything but what was in that letter.

What I'm trying to share is that bringing it out in the open is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was also one of the best.
I had to do something; I was drowning...

Please keep posting, sharing, letting us know how you are...
We Care
I Care

Catherine

I'm 30, And I've never read any books to do with this stuff... I know others have suffered too and I am sorry for that. But I would find it extremely hard to take in other peoples pain.

I'm not sure about therapy, I think I just needed to let that out.... it's not everything that happened but it felt good to say.

Catherine2 · May 25, 2009, 05:36 PM

Hey, Jay!
We all do what we are comfortable doing, and make our decisions based on what we feel is best for us.
I think you are being honest about where you are and what you need, and that's great.

PC is always open, so to speak. Posting memories and feelings is safe and many times it is like you said; it plain feels good to get it out.

And...we know how to listen without always giving "advice."

Best wishes,
Catherine

Michah · May 25, 2009, 06:12 PM

Jay, you have experienced severe trauma.......it is no wonder that all that you are going through at the moment, has brought up fundamental questions about who you are........know that you have immense courage and bravery in speaking of this.........do you know that even though writing this has caused you much trauma, you are now on the path to recovery? The fact that you are remembering and able to take things from inside your body to outside of your memory and mind is a testament to your strength? It takes many of us YEARS to be able to vocalise what happened to us as children. You are showing great mental fortitude and emotional intelligence.

I also lived with a mother whom I thought was going to kill me on a moments notice........it didn't take much to tick her off and she also loved to tell me that she wished she had an abortion. I divorced her for 10 years. Now I am 35 and my mother has been back in my life by her instigation for 5 years. She is more dependant on me than I am on her......that she knows this and tries to exert control over my life......she is alone and my father is happily remarried.......and, (drum roll!!

) she CANNOT hurt me anymore. I feel sorry for her. I had to do ALOT of work to forgive her. My partner is not always so understanding, but he deals with it.

Sweetie, you are picking up momentum.......roll with it.......but here comes "mum" again, it would be preferable if you could explore this with a therapist(sorry, but has to be said!!). You will do it in your own time.

Be safe and HUGE kudos to you for getting that off your chest.......

JayS · May 25, 2009, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michah

Jay, you have experienced severe trauma.......it is no wonder that all that you are going through at the moment, has brought up fundamental questions about who you are........know that you have immense courage and bravery in speaking of this.........do you know that even though writing this has caused you much trauma, you are now on the path to recovery? The fact that you are remembering and able to take things from inside your body to outside of your memory and mind is a testament to your strength? It takes many of us YEARS to be able to vocalise what happened to us as children. You are showing great mental fortitude and emotional intelligence.

I also lived with a mother whom I thought was going to kill me on a moments notice........it didn't take much to tick her off and she also loved to tell me that she wished she had an abortion. I divorced her for 10 years. Now I am 35 and my mother has been back in my life by her instigation for 5 years. She is more dependant on me than I am on her......that she knows this and tries to exert control over my life......she is alone and my father is happily remarried.......and, (drum roll!!

) she CANNOT hurt me anymore. I feel sorry for her. I had to do ALOT of work to forgive her. My partner is not always so understanding, but he deals with it.

Sweetie, you are picking up momentum.......roll with it.......but here comes "mum" again, it would be preferable if you could explore this with a therapist(sorry, but has to be said!!). You will do it in your own time.

Be safe and HUGE kudos to you for getting that off your chest.......

Michah,

Thank you,..... I'm 30, well 31 in august so ya, it's taken this long for me to say some of it. I just really needed to say what I did to let off some steam.... I do feel a bit better though.

And I will get to a therapist one day.

And I am so sorry that you had a hard life.....

Michah · May 26, 2009, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayS

Michah,

Thank you,..... I'm 30, well 31 in august so ya, it's taken this long for me to say some of it. I just really needed to say what I did to let off some steam.... I do feel a bit better though.

And I will get to a therapist one day.

And I am so sorry that you had a hard life.....

I am glad you felt better letting off the steam.......it is healthier out than in!

Thank you for thinking of me, sweetie.......but I have learn't much about myself in my quest and I may not have found out things if I had not experienced what I did as a child and adult. No person deserves to be traumatised.......but in my case I learnt a lot about human behaviour, genetics(funnily enough), our links to the animal kingdom in behaviour and family units and all sorts of other things. It was my way of finding my place in a very scary situation. We all have different ways of dealing with things. No one way is the "right" way.

I think that if I did not have that childhood, I may never have started my science degree. Science was my escape, my reason for being. You will find your way too........I guarantee it!!!!

Chinwe · May 26, 2009, 06:28 AM

Hello Jay,
I just joined this group today and curiosity made me read your post..."curiosity" yes it was indeed curiosity that made me read your post. The heading caught my attention bcos i am one of those who fought so much with thoughts of childhoodness. Thoughts that could make me cry, take away sleep from me, made me not to trust anyone,make me want to take my life. Those thoughts made me wonder what kind of a human being iam and would be in the future. I couldnt believe in myself,i would blamed myself most times, it even turn me into a poem writer (

).
I wished i could tell someone but i couldnt. I couldnt even tell mummy about it. My friends wondered why i would always cry, and when they ask i lied. It was painful that someone has to play on my helplessness at that satge of my life.
But as i write you now, i am free from those thoughts. My freedom didnt just come like that or automatically, it was slow and gradual. I will tell u how i came to the last of it from the start.
Well, i joined a christian group where most of the things i learnt helped me to build positiveness about myself. They helped me to deal with all the negative thoughts i had against myself. I stoped blameing myself, and the thoughts of taking my life was also dealt with. I didnt tell my friends that i had a problem but communications and being friends with them through interactions helped me in those areas.
I read psychology in my university and for four years and that helped me a great deal in building my self esteem etc. I know i needed a therapist but becos of my learning i helped myself. I became a case study for myself and became a psychologist for myself. Once in a while during our departmental course discussions, i would bring up my case and hear what others have to say about it, and that really helped me to be rational with dealing with myself.
The Final stage was the stage of telling someone....there where so many people to talk to but them i just need to talk to the right person, i carried that thought in me till last year when i have to tell my husband just 15days before we married.

I wont forget to tell one one important thing that would be the 1st stage to your healing. Its forgiving your abuser. Its a hard thing to do but you must do it. Forgive your mum and see how you can help her bcos she might be sick or going through some psychological problems. You might not know what she had suffered and why she had to take it out on you. So please find it in your heart to forgive her.
You can join a group which can affect you positively in those areas you think you are limited in.
You need a therapist. Its very important please. Its very hard but its something u would have to do incase of future reoccurance of effects.

Note that those thought will not just go, the essence is that the effect on you is dealt with and even when you remember it, its of no consiquencies.

If you know how to pray, you can as well pray for yourself.
I wish you all the best.
I know you are coming out of it soon cos you are already on course.

Chinwe