[SophiaG]

This is going to be a complicated...well...issue.

And I"m not quite sure how to begin to explain it.

1.) Boyfriend # 1 => Verbally Abusive
2.) Boyfriend # 2 => manipulative
3.) Boyfriend # 3=> Made fun of my disability/self esteem issues
4.) Boyfriend # 4 => Had Mental Problems up the wazoo and is still obsessed with me after 2 years apart. Also made fun of my disability.
4.) Boyfriend #5 => Was actually nice and we are still friends. . He broke up with me.
5.) Boyfriend # 6=> Drug Dealer/User ( I feel sad for him because I feel he's actually a nice person deep down)
6.) Boyfriend #7 => Manipulative

... I could go on

But I dont want to.

Can you see a pattern? I can.

Why do I have this pattern? I think it has something to do with low self esteem and taking people's crap. Also, it could be perhaps that I just..dont think I deserve better.

I also dont trust guys very much. I can handle friendships with them, but...relationships? *shakes head no*

I'm probably going to get some " Girls Dont Like Nice Guys" responses. of which I am not looking foward to.

That answer is far too simplistic if it is even true at all! (which I dont believe it is..)

The point of this post is...

How Can I Break the Cycle? It is obvious to me that i'm just repeating it from the relationship my parents had (which was abusive in all senses of the word).

I've tried to answer this question throughout the years. How Do I Break the Cycle? How do I...get into a healthy relationship?

I know that i probably have to work on myself before...I can find a nice person to be with. One with whom I can have a healthy relationship.

What does a healthy relationship feel like?

[Michah]

Sophia,

Yes I see a pattern in what you are experiencing........you are asking a fundamental question that even people who are considered mentally healthy, ask. it is part of the human condition to be understood, to participate, to be loved and so on. I ask you, what do YOU want? And when you get it are you ready for it, to embrace it for all its complexity and love?

Sometimes we have this image in our minds of how it is to be.......and are sorely disillusioned when faced with what we "think" is good for us. It turns out, unfortunately, that like does attract like, or opposites attract. In other words we will find someone who is low in self esteem, is hypervigilant, abusive, controlling or afraid like us(this was me in most of my past relationships. Or, we will find someone who is not like us but uses our fears or vulnerability to manipulate us. Does that make sense?( I hope so, I got bad brain fog today)

The trick is, and this only based on my experience, to take your time in getting to know someone. My current partner of 5 years, held off telling me he loved me for 7 months. he really wanted me to KNOW him and him to know me. My core schemas of vulnerability and fear used to go off like frogs in socks, but he would reassure me......we were building a friendship based on trust and the most important foundation of a relationship. The consensus is that love is the foundation, not so. Trust is. We have an equal partnership.......but I had to be ready. The funny thing was that when I met him, I had just come out of a 3 week psych unit stint after a very nasty breakup with my ex(I had thrown a TV at him.....not pretty!!!). So I was NOT ready to meet someone. But things work in mysterious ways.......I guess I had made a decision not to date anymore(I used to date under some misunderstanding that dating was "healthy" when I am actually quite anti social and misanthropic), so the Universe went "well she is ready, she will not put up with anymore crap". And lo and behold, my wonderful man.

I don't have the answer........only personal experience......all I know is that you have to come to some inner arrangement, that you do not NEED a person to be fulfilled.......the old adage of "love thyself".

Have faith sweetie.......it will come.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I think it has something to do with low self esteem and taking people's crap. Also, it could be perhaps that I just..dont think I deserve better.

I agree with the above......

This is what I discovered on my journey - When you grow up in an environment where those around you are sick so, therefore, you don't get the care that you deserve, you continue to carry that message around with you. The message is that you are worthless. When you feel worthless, being around healthy people is very painful. It is painful because they look right at you and they actually see you. Oh, this seeing you is so painful when you think that you are worthless. Dysfunctional people do not see you. This is why, I think, that people keep going back to them. It is less painful but really it isn't is it?

So, in order to get out of this cycle this is what you have to work on - being comfortable around healthy people...........

[Pomegranate]

Sorry Sophia, but I'm gonna go with the "girls don't like nice guys" simplicity. Although I do agree with Sannah and Micha also. But my experience was as simple as, stop all my relationships with the "bad boys" - the brooders, the complex you-just-don't-understand, the manipulators, the druggy/drinkers, etc. Also, if I felt a strong physical attraction to a guy, you can bet all your money he'd turn out to be Mr. Wrong.

So I started taking it S-L-O-W. I didn't concentrate on how a guy looked or if I felt a physical attraction or not (as long as I didn't feel repulsion), I concentrated on who he was, how he treated me, what we had in common, what happened when we disagreed, etc. etc. If there was good stuff going on that way, I let the relationship keep going and see if sexual feelings would come about from our relationship. Finally found one that did. We've been married 12 years now. We are going through our first tough spot in all that time because of financial crisis and my PTSD and major depression acting up. We'll be okay. Try the nice guys. It takes work but it's waaaaay worth it!

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Sorry Sophia, but I'm gonna go with the "girls don't like nice guys" simplicity. Although I do agree with Sannah and Micha also. But my experience was as simple as, stop all my relationships with the "bad boys" - the brooders, the complex you-just-don't-understand, the manipulators, the druggy/drinkers, etc. Also, if I felt a strong physical attraction to a guy, you can bet all your money he'd turn out to be Mr. Wrong.

So I started taking it S-L-O-W. I didn't concentrate on how a guy looked or if I felt a physical attraction or not (as long as I didn't feel repulsion), I concentrated on who he was, how he treated me, what we had in common, what happened when we disagreed, etc. etc. If there was good stuff going on that way, I let the relationship keep going and see if sexual feelings would come about from our relationship. Finally found one that did. We've been married 12 years now. We are going through our first tough spot in all that time because of financial crisis and my PTSD and major depression acting up. We'll be okay. Try the nice guys. It takes work but it's waaaaay worth it!

actually I think this might be my answer. Along with learning good self esteem and assertiveness.



Thanks!