i've been losing my desire to live life to the fullest

i was a victim of molestation in childhood. i had kept it for many years. never told anyone until i was college. i thought i was going crazy. i still think i'm going crazy. i really regret my life as i look back to how my life had become because of the abuse. i think i never had experienced real joy. i'm confused with how it is felt. i don't know. my "real" self was a big secret. i perceive it this way. i think that nobody knows me and that nobody should know me even if i had named many best friends. i still don't know if there was trust in any friendship i had.

I have been learning that there is life after abuse. First step is to realize that this thing has affected how your life has been lived. You have just done that. I think it is the hardest part, to stand up and say I was abused and I have allowed it to make my life less. Once you are able to say that you will be able to make the choice to change your life so it will be the way that you want it to be. I was the victim of abuse. Following that I was a victim of myself by allowing myself to be controlled by that abuse. Once I decided that I didn't want to be that way anymore, once I decided that I wasn't going to allow that (very long expletive to be placed here discribing a certain male person) to take any more of my life away from me, I was able to start the long road to recovery. It is a long road but I believe that once we start we can't stop and once we begin we find out more about ourselves then anyone else can possibly know about themselves. I guess that is the silver lining. Through the pain we discover there is something truely special and powerful about ourselves because we are survivors and we have decided to beat the odds. I guess this is my saying that things don't have to be the way they are now. It does get better, you just have to be ready to make the change. The change hurts, is frightening and feels impossible but you can do it it just takes time and persistance.
Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

as a victim, HOW we perceive the world does not mean we are crazy. your body and mind has done its best to protect you while you were being hurt as a child. now as an adult you are openning yourself up to discover who you really are. that's a big question for someone who has been hiding for a long time. so much shame and fear surround that question. your body will experience things which scare you because in the past, you were numb to feelings because your feelings were hurt so unjustly. whenever you are experiencing these "crazy" feelings (that seem so foreign to you), try accepting them for what they are...feelings. you have the right to be angry, sad, happy, excited, etc. without fear of punishment. you may do things that convince yourself you are crazy, but try to remember "it is perfectly normal for you to be feeling" these feelings. given your past, why not have such feelings? ((((Huggs))))