Need your opinion....

To give a bit of a history..the abuse stopped 7 years ago with a few "incidents" after that. The guy is now almost 70 and has grandchildren 15 and 11 I think. And others that are babies. My abuser called again..I have tried to ignore him for a few years now....he has no idea why though. I was talking to my father and he told me that I need to worry about me and do what's best for me. But how can I turn a blind eye when there might be more abuse going on? I think it happened to their kids...and others. It upsets me to think that they knew and did nothing. The one son walked by while it was happening....how can they turn the other way when they KNOW it was happening? Just b/c their family chooses to be in denial and turn the other way while he very well may be doing this to his grandkids doesn't mean I have to. My father says it's their family not mine..and it's their problem. I don't know if I can accept this. Yes, it is THEIR family..and that makes it even more sick that they do nothing, but there is still a chance that INNOCENT CHILDREN are getting hurt! What do you all think? And if I do turn him in maybe nothing will happen.... I'm just confuzed.

~flier

It sounds like you are certain beyond any doubt this is happening. I don't know what the process is, but you must get involved. Your state must have some kind of children's protective services. Call them and ask what to do.

You know what, I don't think there is a statute of limitations on child abuse. You can file charges on your own behalf. That would definately make his behavior difficult to continue.

flier-yes, there is no quiestion. children need to be protected. imagine the pain and fear. you would not be writing this if it was not bothering your conscience. do it for the children. it will lift your heart. maybe this is why you went through what you went through: SO YOU CAN HELP SOMEONE ELSE. BE BRAVE!!!!!!!!

flier, you are absolutely right to be worried, but it sounds like you have no proof. This makes turning him in very difficult, unless there is someone who has actually witnessed the current abuse who is willing to testify. You may want to call Children's Services and tell them of your suspicions and see if there is anything you can do...perhaps reporting him to them can cause them to investigate. The only thing you can report him to the police for would be the abuse against you, although I am not sure how far that would be pursued since it stopped 7 years ago.

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic...you are so right to want to do something, but there are legal limitations to what you can do. My brother had a patient who had been a habitual child abuser, and had abusedhis children and grandchildren...but since he had no actual proof, and no one in the family would press charges, his hands were tied...he was also very frustrated, but all he could do was counsel the family and urge them to take action.

I know it must be very hard to do nothing, but I think there is some validity to your father's advice. There is very little you can actually do, so you must work on taking care of yourself.

Good luck.
*hugs*
mj

UNLESS THE ABUSER WENT THROUGH SOME INNER TRANSFORMATION AND SOLE SEARCHING OR WENT THROUGH EXTENSIVE THERAPY, COULD YOU ASSUME THAT HE IS STILL ABUSIVE. IF HIS FAMILY IS AS ACCEPTING AS FLIER HAS PORTRAYED, WHY STOP?

I'm sorry if you misunderstood me, cas. My only point was that unless there is some proof, or a victim or witness to testify, the law can do nothing. You are absolutely right that there is high likelihood that this person is still abusing. It is a sad fact in our society, though, that if the family will do nothing, it can be difficult or impossible to bring the abuser to justice.

I in no way meant to imply that flier's feelings are not valid...I am just pointing out the reality of trying to report someone for abuse without having witnessed the abuse yourself.

Again, I apologize to both you and flier if my original reply was not clear.

mj

NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE. YOU HAVE A VERY VALID POINT, AND IF YOU ARE CORRECT ACCORDING TO THE LAW WELL .... ONE HAS TO WORK WITHIN THE LAW OR NO WIN. THE THING IS I HAVE THE PROBLEM OF GOING BY EMOTIONS AND GUT FEELINGS. I ALWAY SAY WHAT IS RIGHT IS RIGHT AND WILL WIN OUT. WE KNOW THAT THAT IS NOT THE CASE THOUGH. BUT, BUT ,BUT, SINCE THERE ARE VICTIMS MAYBE A PLAN COULD BE DEVELOPED. I KNOW ENTRAPMENT IS ILLEGAL, BUT ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR FOR THE CHILDREN. WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT DO YOU THINK FLIER SHOULD DO FIRST? WIRETAP? OH GOD, WHAT AM I SAYING??? POOR KIDS!!! LET ME AT THAT GUY.

If he has abused you and you strongly suspect he may be abusing others then you should follow your heart and do what's right. Families unfortunately tend to ignore/deny these things. They are ugly.
You do have options. My statute of limitations ran out but it is different in every state so you may want to check out your state and see if there is anything legally you can do for his abuse against you.
You can report it to the authorities. Maybe they can't do anything but maybe they can. They can give you advice on what you can do. If they can intervene somehow then at least the abuser and his family will know that it isn't a "dirty little secret" that they can hide anymore. It's worth a try and if some kind of proof turns up then there is already something on file.
I confronted my abuser because he was father. I explained what I remembered and told him that I would be watching him. He is threatend. Then I told all my siblings both with and without children because they need to be aware. My family seems to want to forget but I know that in the back of thier heads they will always know and keep the kids safe.
It's not an easy thing to do and to involve yourself takes guts. It was hard for me but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I found out anything happened to one of the beautiful kids and I had never said anything.
Do what you can and have to do. I wish the strength to make the right desicion and peace.
Heidu

IN AGREEMENT. PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL EMPOWERED, THAT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING WE CAN DO. CHECKING ON THE STATUE OF LIMITATIONS.

Thank-you all. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. Also, we both live in different states....I don't live that far away though. About 40 minutes away. So would I go by his state's law-esp since it happened there? This is so hard and complicated. I want to just put it on the shelf and walk away, but I know I can't. See, a big problem is...I feel two ways about the abuse. One being angry and sad that it happened, and the other one denying it and thinking what if I'm wrong?? My sister was going to bring her son over there last summer and that's when I told her about it...before only my father, brother, and aunt knew. What pisses me off more than a lot of things is when people know abuse is going on and either deny it or ignore it. That's happened to me in both cases....with my father being physically and emotionally abusive and the family friend with sexual abuse. With the family friend I knew that his sons atleast knew....they saw it a few times on accident-as they walked by the room or that. And I don't want to be that person that knows it could be happening but chooses to ignore it, but then so many other thoughts come in and it's soo complicating. I know I need to do this though. To me I believe if someone knows and doesn't do anything that they are partly guilty. If I had 100% proof that I knew he did it to me and was doing it again it would be so much easier. But like my t said...I probably will never have that. And he's not going to tell me he did it just to ease my doubts.

Sorry for rambling. Thank-you all for your replies. And, no, nobody offended me.

~flier

And by the way,heidu, that was very brave of you.

Thank you but I don't concider myself brave. It was something I HAD to do. There was no choice. When I look into the sweet faces of my 4 neices there is no limit to what I would do or go thru for them. If I could stop a child from having to suffer with being abused I would. Kids have to go thru pain growing up but no child should have to suffer because of some sick perverted idiot. THAT can be prevented.
I wish you the courage you need.
Heidu

I have posted in here about my sister being abused and being in denial about it. She knows it happened, but does not think it is her responsibility to stop it from happening to others. I have never been abused, and realize I do not understand what it is like. But what I do know is that it is everyone's problem. When there is even a remote possibilty that there are children being abused it is everyone's problem. We all need to do everything possible to prevent abuse on children. All I can think about is what if it were my child in the path of an abuser, and there was someone out there who knew, but was not sure what to do. Don't even question yourself. Do something. I don't mean to sound judgemental, I just can't stand to think of children being hurt when it's completely avoidable. Think of what you went through and what you're still going through, I know you wouldn't wish that on anyone, do something to stop it.

Hi,
I had to move house because of a person I believe wanted
access to my daughter. I have since learned that this person
has had children in his house (he is in his 50's) who he met
at the park nearby. One of the children is only small (about 4?)
and I warned the parent (I had known for a long time) to PLEASE
be careful. The parent said "but these children were placed
into the care of a minder, a middle aged woman, who also went
with them to this persons house." The man already has them on film,
he has a camera on his driveway. I don't intend to get involved because
I have no proof but I do know another girl (aged 7) ended up in this
mans house and her mother was upset. I have seen children coming
out of there and this man has an unhealthy interest in children.
I have no proof either. I too feel sick and helpless thinking of what
he could do to other peoples kids. Even though he couldnt get to my
daughter, he made noises at night near her bedroom, shone lights
on the bathroom when she tried to shower and hung around watching
her bedroom window every night. This is NOT normal behaviour but
the cops did nothing because he moved in next door. My friend said I
should tell the authorities but what is the point since I too have no
legal proof. All I can say is that people should not be so trusting of
someone they meet who lives nearby even if this person looks affluent
and has a nice home and says their children can use his toilet (there
are no toilets at the park). It all sickens me, the effects these people can
have on children. I bet if they searched his computer they would find
nasty stuff. Not every peadophile gets caught and believe me they
can be cunning and very believable in their lies. God help the poor
children these people target.
Bluesky