[chaotic13]

I'm kind of in a funk this weekend. I have therapy this week. I'm doing well BUT... a thought that has been running through my head is... "what is it I am trying to reclaim? What was taken from me by the CSA I experienced that now I am working so hard to reclaim?

When I ask myself this... I really don't know what I am looking for. People who have lived a "normal" life and then where subjected to an attack of some sort can often remember what having a fear free, healthly intimate, mental noise free, relationship was like. They have a normal to reclaim. I'm finding things difficult at this point because... I've never really had a healthy, loving intimate relationship...so I don't really know what IT is. Does anyone else struggle with figuring out what it is your are trying to reclaim?

[SUNNY2009]

hI CHAOTIC13

I too can say I never had normal or fear free to remember. Especially since I dont know how early on the CSA started ... prob 7 maybe 8 but maybe earlier, not sure if I will ever know.
What I do know is that I want to find (not sure if it would be called reclaiming)) trust in myself and in others, and the ability to love and allow myself to be loved by another person. To let the walls of steel down and not have to climb the impossible or expect someone to do the same. To make eye contact with anyone and everyone and not feel unsure, To beleive that there are truly good hearted well intentioned people who have no selfish motive other than to be just that...a good person. To know and understand that even though I was wronged I am able to live a life that I can find fulfillment in. To remember that I was a beautiful child, and a beautiful person (still am)) and that God created me in his image and I was ((normal)) like all children and innocent. To remember my innocense which was stolen, especially in memory (this is a big one)...and to know that deep down I am still that person that child and that I posess all the same qualities that I did then...Its very difficult to see it and like you I am trying to remember and constantly reminding myself that all of this crap outside of that is just that crap that is tring to cover up what I am needing to get at. ME.
My T says "whats normal??" I dont know is my response but it certainly has to be different than my experience.

Anyhow...not sure if any of this helped but thats my stance...hope you are well and have a good week

[sabby]

(((((((((((( chaotic13 )))))))))))))))

People who have lived a "normal" life and then where subjected to an attack of some sort can often remember what having a fear free, healthly intimate, mental noise free, relationship was like. They have a normal to reclaim.

I know very few people who have been attacked as an adult that have been able to reclaim "normal". "Normal" is removed from the equation from an attack of any kind. A person needs to find their "NEW" normal as they are healing from something like that. Sometimes, trying to find that normal is enough to take us to the edge before we realize we can never get it back.

I'm finding things difficult at this point because... I've never really had a healthy, loving intimate relationship...so I don't really know what IT is.

IT can only be decided by you.......everyone's IT is different Maybe you can sit down and write out what you think makes up a healthy, loving, intimate relationship. From there, look at each thing and ask yourself, am I capable of this right now? If the answer is no, you may need to dig a bit further and figure out why the answer is no. What happened in your life that might stop you from obtaining a healthy relationship? Have you worked through those things yet? If not, then there is no real solid basis in order to build upon to get to a healthy relationship. Does that make sense? (I'm not sure i'm saying it the way I mean it LOL)

I hope you find your "IT" chaotic. I can imagine that will be a very special moment for you when you do!

Be well!

[chaotic13]

Sunny2009 thinking of myself as a beautiful child of God... not there yet either.
I think I have come a long way in that I do KNOW that there are kind, good-hearted, trustworthy people in this world. And I've even taken a few leaps to engage with a few of them as friends. My main issue now is trying to transfer this to a relationship that involves physical intimacy. I think I've got the friendship thing going but...the wife and being a healthy sexual being... I'm still struggling with this one.

Sabby... I think I am going to work on answering the "what makes up a healthy, loving, intimate relationship?" question in my journal tonight. TY

what have i lost as a result of the abuse?

geez...got about a million years...get compfy....a childhood, my teenage years, and then as an adult i got stuck caring for one of my abusers...maybe i should just say my life.

i'm did, ptsd, bipolar, and a whole bunch of other initials...but yet i'm alive. sure, i'm screwed up...probably will be for life...but i'm better than i was...and i'm a hell of a lot better than my abusers ever were.

never learned to be close to people, or to trust, to date, or other socially acceptable things...hence i'm learning these in therapy as a middle aged woman. i'll probably go to my grave as a single person...& thats okay. i have surrounded myself now with some great friends who double as family.

never knew what i missed as a child...just now as an adult of 51 i am beginning to grieve for my losses...i guess i had to reach a strong enough place to do so.

i have made it my purpose to what happened to me not to happen to another child. no one should lose anything ever. this forum shouldn't have to happen.

i lost...but you know that saying...you lost the battle but won the war...well the abuse sucked big time and certainly i wish it had never happened...but i will not let it define me...but i will not let it hamper or hinder me either.

so in a way...i lost...but i won.

stumpy

[Sannah]

Good question Chaotic. For some reason I want to respond by saying that nothing is ever static, everything is always moving and life is not to be owned but experienced, and life is really only in the present moment...........