Abandonment

Trigger maybe ... vent ...


Tapes repeat in my head, I'm ****, I'm rubbish, I can't do anything right. 'Good' people turn out to be sick people who only think of their perverted selves.

Worthless. Anyone I care about will hurt me. Maybe not the way that leaves bruises and scars and dirtiness, but they'll leave me. They'll walk away and leave me in the dirt after I've opened myself up to them and that hurts so ****ing much. To have been stupid enough to trust someone and then you see them leave and you realize your friendship meant nothing to them.

And you see just how alone you really are because everyone when it comes down to it will leave. Put yourself out there and forget that human nature is to hurt. Why ever put your guard down for anyone if it's just going to be painful.

My therapist keeps saying be more confident, it's a joke, what do I have to show for myself, what do people see in me? I'm still that helpless idiotic can't do anything right child. Can't protect himself can't protect anyone else no one wants to protect him because he's not good enough for anyone. Don't deserve the air I breathe, my dad should have finished the job I think sometimes still. They'll all walk away again and I'll be here with no one. I'm so insecure. I know that. I know that I latch onto abandonment too easily but when it's so real what the hell am I supposed to do.

I don't want to be alone. I want to want to be alone and I'm quiet and people think I want to be alone and sometimes I want quiet time but I don't want to be alone. But I'll be alone and I'll be scared and my therapist can go on about how this is perceived abandonment or all in my head but if it's all in my head why is it so damn true.

I really despise humans sometimes. Dogs never abandon you. Humans do.

((((((( safe hugs from a distance if you want one ))))))))))
Understands the emotion you carry - soooooo well.
It totally blows chunks that people hurt us so much that we loose all faith in humanity. I think the crimes against us are bad enough - but I think THAT crime is the worst of all.

I love my dogs too. And you are right.... they don't abandon us. At least we got that to smile about :-)

I feel exactly like you right now.....I wish I could offer some advice or help, but all's I can say is your not alone out there....I wish you the best....

I know how you feel though my feelings come less from abandonment and more from rejection...still feel like I'm just some stupid clumsy weak little kid who messes everything up and can't do anything right...I can't even go outside because I feel like everyone who sees me will think badly of me like that...

time to vent like this is good I hope in time you have enough good experiences to learn that not everyone will leave you I wish I could make things better but I know it's a learning thing and you have to get it in your own time

you probably already know this but those tapes are just that- tapes. You aren't bad... even if they are hurtful and believable sometimes I just wanted to remind you that...

(((((((((((((((( Fenrir ))))))))))))))))

Sorry, a vent again, no where else to vent.

...

I'm sick of this, hating myself, sick of the past sick of how it ruins my life, sick of being angry sick of who I am sick of being sick and tired.

I'm a bother, I know people think it, I ruin things, I sit there and make things awkward, I'm worthless and annoying when I speak. Don't speak, shouldn't speak, if you don't speak they can't punish you... as if...

I have to rant and vent to a therapist who is paid to care, because other people never give a ****, it feels so pathetic. It's pathetic to be so insecure and needy and need my friends to assure me.

Good things happen, bad things happen, I don't know how to feel. How can I be happy when everything has a way of reminding me of all the **** that was done.

((((((((((((((vince))))))))))))) never a bother or failure in my world

(((((((not a failure and not worthless))))))
sometimes people care but they never say anything because they don't know what to say

Fenrir, I can identify with some of the things you said. I was emotionally abused repeatedly by my ex, to the point that I was experiencing dissociation (numb, on autopilot, and feeling completely detached from the world) and felt like I was going crazy, then abandoned by him. He used me up, drained me dry, joyfully watched me wither away, then discarded me like yesterday's trash. He disappeared, never answering my texts or calls, and never to hear from him again. Abandoned and left to pick up the pieces of the torturous relationship and left to look elsewhere for remnants of my soul. He took so much from me, and it only made sense to demand that he give back what was and is rightfully mine!

I have never had long-standing fears of abandonment, however, know what it feels like. Also, I know what it feels like to navigate through the world and its inhabitants after being treated with such callous and indifferent disregard. The only way I can explain it is that being a part of this world and interacting with people has changed due to the fact that my core belief system has been shattered. I lived, kissed, slept with, and trusted a man who showed me evil. Once someone has stared into the eyes of evil, how can they ever look upon the world the same? I know what evil smells like, looks like, sounds like, and feels like...like everyone else, in the beginning. There are millions of people out there that are personable, charming, intelligent, and looking for relationships, but once securely in one, a horrifying mutation occurs; one that has affected me on the deepest level because my perceptions of myself, others, and the world has changed to one of confusion, anger, and suspicion.

Fenrir, have you and your therapist explored where your feelings of low self-worth stem from? Who created and fed into that line of thinking that is causing you so much pain? Are you repeating a relationship from long ago with someone who made you feel abandoned? Also, depending on how we feel about ourselves, we tend to invite people into our lives that support our self-worth or lack of self-worth. If you believe that you deserve nothing good, then you will often invite people into your life that will only offer you negativity or hurt you.

You deserve love, kindness, respect, and support. Look for those who consistently provide you with those things, and distance yourself from those who give you anything less than you deserve.