[SUNNY2009]

OK .... so I still have not told anyone in my family about the rapist from within our family ... my father. I want to in some ways but there is so much fear ...
Last night I was talking to T about it, of course he beleives I will be free once I have told. He is understanding. But he wanted me to understand something, about secrets and how people and me feel when we tell.

He asked me what holds me back?
What am I afraid of?
He also reminds me of times ....many times when I tell him secrets, ones I have kept for years and never have told a soul, he reminds me of how I feel better afterwards.

I told him I worry about destroying my brothers and thier truth as they know it. Great DAD they think they have.
How will they react.
Will it crush thier love for my Dad and will they hate him
Will they hate me for sharing
Will I loose my relationship with them
Will they tell him they know
Will they tell my mother, who doesnt know

Then T says - "so you are willing to let it continue to destroy your life?"

I think about it a minute and ask "so, you think it destroys my life?"

He says "yes, absolutely, because you can not be yourself, and you can not be free to be yourself because you keep the secret and it affects everything and every relationship around you. You have to hide the secret and therefor hide who you are"
He also says "Dont you think ... based on all the previous times you have told me secrets and felt better, that this is the biggest of the secrets....the most devestating the mother load of secrets ... that you would get the same results - how relieved and free you will feel when its out, when it is in the open and you can finally be you?!"

Hmmmmmmmm .... so how do I stop being afraid of telling...or how do I stop being afraid of how my brothers will respond but more importantly how it can hurt them.....

T says I am not the one who did wrong. He says the results of me telling are not my fault. They are my dads fault.

I want to tell i do....

T says it is easier to not tell because I know how to keep secrets and I have 30 yrs of training.... and that of course I am more comfortable with not telling.... but he says I need to open my eyes and think about all the positives of telling for me ... freedom

Freedom is something I long for ...
it is something I strive for
I write about how I want to be free
but I never knew that telling is the key ...

I dont want to have secrets
I dont want to hide
I dont want to be held back because of another persons betrayal
I dont want to not tell someone what I should be able to
I dont want to not be able to relate to people how I feel
I dont want to bottle it up
I dont want to repeat secretive relationships
I dont want to repeat inappropriate relationships

I want to be free to be me whomever I choose that to be
I want to share my experiences Good or Bad
I want to be free to ask for help and not hold back
I want to be honest even about personal stuff
I want to be the good person I am but also allow people to know me ....

I need input .... I need input from people who have been where I am ... Thank you for reading

[opheliasorrow]

Sunny I'm so glad you have such a wonderful therapist. I am so proud of you for dealing with this with courage and care .

Everything you feel is because you are a strong, caring person. You have taken care of everyones elses feelings up until now .... you are so compassionate and kind and selfless. Now it is YOUR turn to be free, Your turn to be looked after (by you) and YOUR turn to turn all those hurtful feelings and all that pain around to your father. All of those feelings, SHAME, GUILT, PAIN and all the rest of it are HIS TO WON ... NEVER yours. You have suffered long enough my friend, now it is YOUR turn for happiness and love and understanding. You have yout T and us here and your family. Whatever they feel towards your father is HIS doing NOT yours .... Please know I am thinking of you, I hear you and I care. It's SUNNYS turn for peace and LIFE now ..... YOU are worthy of this freedom and to unburden yourself from all the years of hurt .... safe hugs, big hugs and I mean that .... Kerry xxxx

[Sannah]

Before you do something like this the fear doesn't leave you. You do it anyway even though you are afraid. I have done things shaking, crying and even with the blood all drained out of my face. Fear can't stop you and once you have done it the fear is GONE!

[embracinglife]

This is one step to tell your secrets on here, and feel supported and loved. Just know that you are always loved. If you do decide to tell your family, maybe they will have a negative reaction, you never know. But in a way, it might be caring for yourself and others to tell. I know this is a really hard decision and only you can make it. If you do decide to tell and you have a negative reaction from your family members, just know that there are other people here who care and will try to help you through the tough times.

Sidenote: I read the book High Desert: A journey of Survival and Hope this summer, and in the book she had been abused by her father and finally restricted contact with him, and her whole family was incredibly upset, but it helped her in her own healing, which is what is important. Maybe you want to read that book. Just know that there are people here who care.

[phoenix47baby]

Oh boy, you are a brave one, keeping all of that bottled up inside. I wonder what it is doing to your insides. My father was also the perpetrator. I chose to tell my brother, hoping it would change his idol worshiping of our father. It didn't. I believe in some ways he resents me because his idol was tarnished. It has not ruined his relationship with our father, only cemented it. After telling the truth to my mother and brother, relations changed. I do not see my father anymore, but the truth set me free and was well worth it. I began to heal after I exposed him for what he was. Only you can make the ultimate decision. I wish you the best whatever you choose to do. You can always do it on your own time table. Hugs

[phoenix47baby]

Sunny,

Also, I did not lose my relationship with my brother. It is still strong and he continues to love me just as he did before I told him. Remember, it is not your fault.