I had a very strange, disturbing experience happen to me this morning. I was journaling, like I do every morning. I was writing about my therapy right now, I'm dealing a lot with my inner child (or children, I've realized I have more than one, as crazy as that might sound). Suddenly, I felt a physical sensation in my groin area that started out pleasurable and turned to an aching pain that stayed. And even typing this out now, the aching pain is back. I tried journaling as my inner child, sometimes that helps - the words that came out were, "Where's Mommy? He's tickling me, but it hurts. He's laughing." I couldn't journal any more, I pushed it down.

I have no memory of any csa. I did, however, have what I called a flashback - this was when I was journaling about a month ago, this flashback just came to me of a man and me in a bedroom. I was very young, I could tell because I was so small compared to the bed. I was hiding in the corner by the bed, and the man was trying to coax me over to him and telling me I had to be a big girl now. I told my T about this while bawling... she said not to jump to conclusions, that it could be real or it could be a memory that was based on another experience with the same feeling of being trapped or scared.

So now with this physical sensation, I don't know if it's really a body memory. I guess I should tell my T, but I feel like - what if I'm making this all up? I even said that to T before, but she said no matter what, the emotion is real, that I did experience it at some point.

So I'm wondering if others have experienced body memories when you don't have actual memories that go along with the physical sensations?

[mtd]

dreamseeker9,

I have had many body memories and still do experience them. Some are minor, others are extreme and overwhelming, but I believe they are always telling me something that I need to know to heal. Sometimes they come in fragments and what they really are telling me about my past cannot be pieced together right away. I have never found them to be imagined or to contain imagined information. I just have to accept them and wait for the rest of the information sometimes to really understand what happened. Then I can work on healing it.

But the most important thing that I have learned is not to be afraid of body memories, not matter how frightening or shocking they seem at first. I remind myself that they are memories and that I can keep myself safe now, as an adult. My past was painful, I know that, and the healing process requires that I deal with that pain, reliving it if I have to in a safe place with help.

No matter what these body memories mean about your past, dreamseeker9, please know that you are going to be o.k. You are no longer alone and you are not trapped. It's going to be o.k.

be well,

mtd

[phoenix47baby]

I would definitely explore this with your therapist. Who knows, but the mind body connection is so great that it can't be dismissed. good luck

Originally Posted by mtd

dreamseeker9,

But the most important thing that I have learned is not to be afraid of body memories, not matter how frightening or shocking they seem at first. I remind myself that they are memories and that I can keep myself safe now, as an adult. My past was painful, I know that, and the healing process requires that I deal with that pain, reliving it if I have to in a safe place with help.

Thank you for all that, mtd. I had another body memory as I lay in bed this morning - it was much more intense than my first one. And as I lay there, I told myself what you had written above - that I'm safe now, that it's okay to just let it come up and feel it. It physically hurt, and there's still no conscious memory connected to it, but it is indeed real. So thank you for that good advice and encouragement!

Originally Posted by phoenix47baby

I would definitely explore this with your therapist. Who knows, but the mind body connection is so great that it can't be dismissed. good luck

Thanks, phoenix47baby - I see T tonight but feel like I have a million other things to discuss with her. I will bring this up, though - if not tonight, then very soon.