[hopefully07]

Hi everyone -- I'm totally new to this world of online pschological help, etc, but I'll give it a go.

Basically, I'm a 20-yr-old female and just a bit confused about a few things. I had a very minor case of I sexual abuse as a youngster -- it was a much older cousin, I was probably 2 or 3 when it started -- it happened on multiple occasions, over a period of time I guess (it's all a bit hazy)... nothing serious like penetration, etc... but there was some intimidation I believe, and perhaps some, I wouldn't say violence, but physical distress. It's difficult to describe really, because my memory is very poor. I kept it a secret until I was in middle school (it did haunt me up until then) -- I told my mom, and we never really brought it up again... and then I finally went into more discussion this past year (she didn't know it happened more than once).

Anyways, since it was such a mild case/didn't involve a parent, etc, I don't think it had a real effect on me, understandably! I mean, I see this cousin at family reunions, and it doesn't creep me out (is that weird?).

But, I AM one to overthink things and I was examining my odd anti-social behaviors, unusually low self-esteem/depression, and even sexual dysfunction (I'm not promiscuous, in fact, I'm a virgin, but I know I view sex differently -- not necessarily for worse -- than others) and I was just wondering if it could have anything to do with that? Without me really knowing?

I feel like the biggest wimp for trying to blame some of my emotional troubles on this part of my childhood, because I feel like it's SOOO insignificant in comparison to what others have gone through (man, I was just browsing this forum....)

Basically, I just don't know -- am I making things up in my head, wrongfully attributing some of my problems to what happened? If I am, why am I doing that?

If I'm not, what should I do? I don't relive the event (no problems of that nature), I don't feel uncomfortable divulging what happened (though it is difficult to recall memories word-for-word)... but obviously, if it's had an effect, I want to know how to deal with it.

So anyways, sorry for the rambling, but I just figured it couldn't hurt to ask for a little advice.

Thanks.

[kimmydawn]

hi there and welcome i'm so sorry for what you went thru. that was wrong and unfair to do to a small child.

to answer your question...think of a child you know and care about. do you think that it would not be affected by those events? yes, it would. you were abused. you did not ask for it, and now it's come time to address it. we have no control what happens to us as children. we have control to make the best of our lives as adults, and enjoy it to the fullest.

i would like to suggest that you try to find a therapist in your areas who specializes in trauma. and just talk it over, and get it out.

again, no child asks to be abused and i'm sorry you were. you aren't making this up, nor the fact that it's now affecting you.

i so wish you the best and please let us know what you decide.

kd

[Miss_A]

Just want to say welcome, make yourself at home. Share you thoughts if you want. That was unfair for someone related to you doing this. It's good that you told someone you trust like your mum. It isn't easy telling but you did it and hopefully stopped! It's good to here that what happend doesn't let you ruin your whole life, your worth so much more. Even though your still a V (virgin) waiting to find someone special at the right moment is the best. Your not a wimp for speaking this right now very brave! I also have odd anti-social behaviors, unusually low self-esteem/depression to deal with too. But I try not to let it take over my life and accept it. Your not making this all up, your just telling us this in return some advice. Can you forgive and forget? But if It was me I would ignore and stay away. More then once been abused like me, I try to stay away from the person. I hope your ok now?
Safe hug... {{{{{{hopefully07}}}}}}

hopefully,
You sound like a very sweet kind person who has went through some ugly stuff. I'm so sorry and I hope you find the healing you need.

Welcome to the forum.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psychcentral. IMO there is no such thing as a mild case of abuse... any kind! I'm sorry to hear what you went through. Perhaps the fact that you are posting about it means that it really has affected you more than you wish to know? My T has said that it doesn't matter if you get all the details exactly correct, because it's how it makes you feel and what it makes you think or do that is important. Come back and post often. You'll find this is one great site! TC

[hopefully07]

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate your support. You all are very kind.

I'm not so sure about the therapy idea, just because I think (at least in MY situation) I'd be overreacting a tad. I'm sorry, I simply can't help but dub this a "minor" issue. Maybe that's an issue in itself? I don't know, hehe. :P

Fortunately, in response to one question, I have forgiven him. He was just a perverted boy who was probably a bit confused -- for all I know, he was abused in a similar way.

But for the most part, I'm a perfectly normal young adult -- I guess I've just been wrestling with a few problems lately and I suppose that what happened to me (or the fact that it was a secret for so long, at least) did have an effect on me, or I wouldn't be wondering about it.

And I can already tell you, that it's helpful to talk it out in this forum... helps me figure things out without feeling judged or weird about it all. I think if I were to initiate discussion with my mom again she would, not on purpose, start judging me and trying to determine if all my memories are in good shape. And that'd be difficult (I know this, because this is what happened last time).

So I'm not sure what changes I might make in my life/thinking, etc, I just have this feeling in my gut that this small part of my childhood has affected my development... in other words, it would explain a few things that are unusual about me and if I can understand that, I think maybe I can change some bad habits (like putting myself down, etc).

So thanks so much for your words!