[hlgxx3]

I've never told anyone before, except a few friends from the internet (because they cant tell anyone my secret,,) but I was molested when I was 5.
My memories were weirdly effected by it, and my mind blocked it away. But now that I am a teenager, those thoughts come back into my head. Why? Because now I am at the age were people are having sex.

For a long time I would just think of it as a "oh so what if my brother made me do a few naughty things.. its just what brothers do!" and I ignored it like it was just normal. But now, my boyfriend is not a virgin and I am. And he is ready to have oral, and intercourse and Im totally not ready.

I understand that guys will be guys, and they have sexual needs, so I gave in to him. I let him do some things to me. And I, awkwardly did things back. But, I told him I WILL not have sex. And he said he respected that. But he tells his friends "damn guys, Im not getting any." and his friends are pressuring him to get laid. But I am not ready for it at all. He says he respects it, but I can see in his eyes hes hurting.

My friends don't know what happened to me as a kid, but they know that Im awkward about sexual things so they tell me "you need to talk to him. You need to talk to him" but I just cant. Im afraid this will happen:

me- im just not ready for all of this.
him- thats cool, but we have already screwed around, why cant we anymore?
me- cause im just not ready.
him- how arent you ready!? we have already done it!
me- i dont wanna do it anymore
him- your so confusing! im a guy i want sex!
me- well i dont.
him- well then i dont see us having a committed relationship.

Part of me wants to just give in and make him happy and give him what he wants.. no matter how badly it hurts me. Part of me wants to tell him what happened to me. But im too afraid he will tell the cops or something. Im just so confused!
Ive been ignoring him when he asks for me to come over his house alone. Becuase everytime I do, we mess around. And I go home every night crying. I can't take it! I almost just wanna break up with him! it hurts!

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

[WePow]

Safe hugs and thank you for posting. I am also a survivor of Early Childhood Sex Abuse ( CSA) ... starting from before I was a year old. So I do understand the very real and very deep pain that being abused as a child can bring.

You have enough on your mind dealing with the event that happened to you at that young of an age. And YOU have the RIGHT to stand up for yourself sexually. It is YOUR body and it is YOUR right to keep yourself safe - and sane.

If a guy is trying to manipulate you into doing something you are not ready to do, then dump his sorry rump ASAP. He is NOT worth it. When I was 16 I ended up doing thing to a man who was 24 and who later became my "husband" - and who after 6 months of hell on earth just about had me dead. But I escaped. What I didn't realize at the time was that it was not my fault. But he was using head games with me and saying the same things this guy is saying to you. And I loved him. I really did. So I wanted to make him happy. But it almost cost me my life.

You are at the point now where you can learn how to stand up for the woman you are going to be. YOU are worth so much more than this looser. And anyone who uses mind games to try to get their jollies is a L O S E R ...

I do hope this gives you something to think about.

[lonely and scared]

dont get pressured into doing something that u dont feel comfortable with. something similar happened to me and i found the courage to tell hm to get lost. if this guy does not understand that you are not ready to go any further then you should get rid. it is your choice to do whatever you want to do dont let him play with your head.
keep us posted on what happenes.

I was going to say what's already been said. CSA aside, you should NEVER be pressured into having sex if you aren't ready for it. If he's pressuring you, that's just more abuse, and it needs to stop. You are not in a safe relationship, hon. You need to be out of it.

[hlgxx3]

Thanks! All of you!
I'm so glad that finally someone in this messed up world understands!
i just don't know if maybe I should tell my boyfriend what happened to me? Maybe that would stop him? But I don't know...

I also sort of want to throw another question out on this post.
My aunt was raped by her father when she was a child, and she developed schizophrenia from, I guess, terror. Since I was molested (different, but still sexual abuse) I have been starting to develop signs of schizo also. I've been hearing voices so clearly you'd jump out of your skin, I've been seeing things too, and other symptoms, Could this be because of CSA just like my aunt? Or maybe would it be hereditary?

I guess that should be posted on a different topic. But I thought maybe I would just throw it out there in case any of you know.

I'm not a doctor, but I don't think schizophrenia and CSA are connected. Schizophrenia is a brain chemistry issue, and can happen to people with even the best of childhoods. If you are showing signs of it, you probably inherited the brain chemistry.

Also, hearing voices doesn't automatically indicate schizophrenia. There are other causes. When I am at my very worst levels of depression, I can hear and see things too, although I only remember very few occasions on which it was so clear it made me jump. Usually, if I see something that isn't there, it's fuzzy, and if I hear something, it's garbled.

In any case, that is a question you need to discuss with your doctor.

I'm not sure telling your boyfriend what happened to you would keep him from pressuring you. You shouldn't have to tell him why you don't feel ready, although it's nothing to be ashamed of and there is no reason to hide the fact. You're not the one who did something wrong, after all. Many teenage girls, in fact most, I think, are not nearly ready for sex. That in itself is reason enough not to do it, and your boyfriend is already showing he's insensitive to your feelings, by pressuring you.

[WePow]

hlgxx3 - For those symptoms, you really do need to talk with a professional. They are the only ones who can get to know the real you well enough to know what is going on. Some conditions are biology. Some symptoms mirror biological conditions. In my case, I do have auditory and some visual halucinations that are a result of my early CSA due to way memories are stored in children before age 2. In my situation, my T had to evaluate many aspects before he could tell me that I was not displaying any symptoms of pychosis. That it was NOT biology for me. That it was CSA related trauma memory.

Point is that it really does take a professional to make sense of some of this stuff.

As to telling the bf about what happened, that involves trust. IMHO - I would say "heck no!" because his pressuring you shows he does not respect you as a human. That to me means he has not earned the right to hear your story and to know those private things about you. Knowing you should be an honor. Get it?

[buttrfli42481]

hlgxx3 your BF is not worthy of being that. If he truly loves you and respects you he will take "I'm not ready" as your answer. What he is doing is a form of abuse. You do not deserve to live in fear of him wanting sex. My husband was the same way. I thought that since I was married to him, what he did was ok. I now know differently. What he did to me was abuse and rape. For 7 yrs I lived with this. It is NOT ok for someone to pressure you into having sex, just because they want it. I have been out of my marriage for 2 1/2 yrs and am still dealing with all the mind games that were played on me. Please don't have sex because he wants you to. You need to be ready.

[hlgxx3]

I sigh in relief! I think he finally gets it!
Today he started getting touchy, and I just looked at him in the whole "I so don't want to do this" face, and he stopped. He told me:
"Hayley, I know you aren't ready, so I'll back off." and he kissed me and put his pants back on. Then we started playing video games. He smiled and joked and acted like he really didn't care that I wouldn't do anything sexual with him. And I didn't even have to say anything! He's known that I wasn't ready for sex, because I told him that. But, I think he saw that I was hurting. It was so great to just, for once, sit down alone and play games and talk and connect with out having to do it sexually. I just hope he keeps this up, because you guys really have shown me that I AM NOT having sex.
Thank you guys sooo much (:
Lots of love to all of you!
Your advice really helped!!<3

[WePow]

((((hlgxx3 )))) I am very glad you stood up for yourself. That is wonderful!!! Keep up the excellent healing work!

[Sannah]

Yah!!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work in doing what is right for you!!!!