phone calls

My abusive mother called today. Luckily the sound on my phone was off so I didn't pick up. I got so angry when I heard her message. It was so obvious from her voice on the phone that she was just calling because she wanted to complain and get emotional support from me. It made me so mad. Furious. She only calls when she feels lonely and wants support. But wont do anything to connect with people HER AGE! I supported her emotionally when I grew up (pretty much my whole childhood). But she never supported me. No one ever supported me. And they still don't. Not that I want them to. Now I just want to be left alone. It makes me feel guilty, like I'm a bad daughter. I really just want to break off all contact. If I knew I could do this and still have contact with my brothers I might. No one ever cares about what I need. They just expect me to keep giving and giving and giving without any time or care for myself. Why didn't they ever care about me. Why didn't my dad ever stop her from abusing me?

*********TRIGGER WARNING **********




Am I really supposed to care about someone who told me I should **** my brains out? I can't even stand to be near her. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting. Why did my dad let it happen? Why didn't he ever say anything? Try to protect me? At what point is it your job to step up and protect your child from your spouse? A job he never felt was required of him. I hate myself. That is what their actions have left me with. It has left me with a feeling that no one will ever love me and there is no reason they ever should. I feel like there is no reason to keep trying. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm just bothering everyone.

Googley, it's called bad parenting. Bet you are not real comfortable when someone acts in a caring way towards you. Book recommendation: Toxic Parenting. Sounds like a lot of role reversal going on in your family. I believe there is a section in that book that covers this. In the meantime, if you have made the decision to cut ties with anyone still in your life that was abusive, it is also addressed in this book.

Thanks Nucking.
I am going to look into the book. You are right that I don't feel comfortable with people being caring. It scares the **** out of me. My T told me that she wont be mean to me. She is going to work on gaining my trust without being mean. It feels weird. It is so hard to do. I think I'm going to tell her how weird it feels when I see her next time.

I never trust people (well almost never and it is really hard) who are nice because they could be lying. People don't lie about being angry. And you don't have to worry about them going from being nice to angry at the drop of a hat if they are already angry.

My mom somehow got my new phone number and has been calling/texting me intermittently. I never respond. Mine sometimes calls to make me feel guilty, sometimes to try to provoke me to anger, and sometimes just to try to manipulate me into coming home. It sucks. I've tried cutting off all contact, but she just hires a P.I. or calls my school to find me again. I often do feel very guilty about not talking to her, but I know I'll feel a lot worse if I do. The healthiest thing you can do is cut ties with your abuser, no matter what. Do it for you. And there's always a way to still contact your brothers. Are they old enough to use the internet? You can always email/IM them, or call when you know your mom won't be home. If they're very young, it's a bit trickier. Let them know you love and care about them very much, but that you have to do this for yourself. Someday they'll understand. And once they're of legal age, you're free to contact them whenever you wish, mom or no mom.

Ohhh, man. I know this. I never blamed my dad at all, but I'm beginning to realise that by leaving me at the mercy of my mother, knowing full well what she would do, he is just as at fault. But just because your parents didn't love you doesn't mean no one ever will! If they don't want to treat you like a human being, they don't deserve you. And that's their loss. There are plenty of good people out there that will give you the love and respect you deserve. Parents should fall into that category, but sometimes they don't. A good parent will love their child unconditionally, even if their child leaves a lot to be desired. But if your parents don't love you unconditionally and treat you well, all that means is that they are bad parents. It means there's something wrong with THEM, not with YOU. And you're not alone. I've been through this, too. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

I can understand this all. My father is the same way. He's wants my emotional support all the time, but he abused me and my emotions and therefore deserves no right for me to comfort him and his. I cut off all ties with my father from age 12 to 20. Although, he did stalk me. And my sister hated me for it. My sister didn't start talking to me again (or at least in a kind loving manner) until I moved back in with my father. For those 8 years, she held a grudge against me and now I have her back. But to what expense to me? I love my sister, I really do, and I don't want her to be mad at me. But this time when I leave, I hope I'll never look back. I hope that my father will not try to stalk me this time and if he does, I will call the police on him. Now, I have my son to think of. I don't want my father in his life. I don't want him ruining my son's life like he did mine. I don't want my son hurt. I really should have thought about myself the same way, but I never had the self-respect that I have now since I became a mother. I hope yours will come sooner. Take a stand for yourself, and give yourself the love and respect your parents should have given you. You don't need an abuser in your life. I'm sure she's going to try to manipulate you over and over, like I know my father will. But since you are away from her, you can better ignore it.

Googley, your mom is sick. Why your dad did what he did??? You can heal now. Are you going to share this with your T? You will have to work through this "only trusting if the person is angry stuff". You will work through it. It will take focus, awareness and work but you will do it.

Stop trying to get water from rocks. Your family sounds like a load of rocks. Find people who like you and treat you with care and respect. Find yourself a new family. You deserve to be loved and cared about. Go find people you like and care about, and of those who return the same to you, enjoy, take comfort and start a new life. Relationships should be reciprocal. You should not have to be doing all the giving, bearing all the burden, denying all your feelings for others.