[WePow]

TRIG WARNING! Contains info about CSA and other abuse.

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I want to do this for myself. It is like all the abuse is in chunks spread out all over my mind. The flashbacks happen in chaotic order with no particular pattern. The trauma work I am doing is being supported by my T who has proven to be wonderful through all of this. But I never really just sat down and put it out in order before. So maybe this will help me get my mind wrapped around things so I can heal up.

I have a primary DX of DID with PTSD. We are a system that works together these days fairly well thanks to years of prior therapy and work this year. I have a "Little One" who is an alter 8 yrs old - female, very loving and jovial most of the time. Zachary is a 5 yr old scared alter. Elaine who is like a silent sturdy figure who steps in only when I can not longer make it - but who usually lets me figure things out the hard way. And Mick - who has her own DID parts and is a 16 yr old typical teenager accordng to T. She holds most of the anger and memories of trauma and her parts range in age from 3 months through ? (I am still learning her system as she does not yet know it).

I was born in 1970. Flashback body memories and high emotional charge relating to the situation indictate I was most likey abused starting at 3 months of age by my father. I am very close to my dad but he is a convicted molester. It was/is a difficult thing knowing the truth of what I recalled because we were so close. There were other times at only a couple of years of age where the CSA by my father was more solidified in regards to exabitionist. One situation of a "water snake" in the small pool where I was at the most 4 yrs old led to me being yelled at by my mother and asked what I was doing with my dad. I did not understand the words and I did not understand the anger. All I knew is that "I was bad" and "I did something wrong" but had no clue what it was or why mom was mad at me.

From that time until I was 10yrs old, my life consisited of being repeatedly abused by older boys and one older girl in our neighborhood. Many of the events happened in my home and one time my dad walked in on the event and turned on the light and saw it but stood there and did nothing to stop it or protect me. He just said to get our clothes back on and go to sleep. And walking home from school was like a daily obstical course or excersise in military stratagy! Most of the time I could make it home ok... but there were too many times when a couple of teen boys on bikes were able to catch me. They told me bad things they would do to me to get me to do stuff to them. When I decided that no longer mattered, they changed their force to tell me what they would do to my brothers or my mom and it would all be my fault. The few times I did get frightened enough to tell an adult, I was told I was making up stories. One teacher even laughed at me because the boys were hiding outside waiting for me and they had left when she went to check.

We moved away from that location when I was 10. From 10-12, I remember very little of life. Most of that is a complete blank. At this point, my dad (who was so proud that he did not drink) and was a decan in the church, would routinely get angry with my youngest brother and would berate him verbally or physically assult him - including banging his head into the bedroom wall at times. My response to that was to sit in the bedroom closet with my other brother and laugh hysterically as we said "Do it again!" ... Something I felt major guilt about until my last therapist had me see it was a response to a situation far beyond my control. I still felt guilt because I could not protect him at all. Mick holds that pain and anger.

My dad also took the liberty of sharing his verbal and physical wrath on his mother who lived with us and was disabled. The night she had a massive stroke, he kicked her down the hallway trying to get her to go to the bathroom because she had wet herself. She was placed in a nursing home where when I was 15 she found relief on the other side. Mick was the one at the funeral and she did not cry. Grandmother had a smirk on her face like she got the last laugh. She was my hero.

I ran away from home later that year but ended up going to live with a half sister. There was an adult friend of hers who had been grooming me from a few years before in a sexualized manner. I thought I found love. But had to leave to go back home after about 6 months.

When I was 16, a male chaparone on a school trip decided to drive me home afterwards. He decided I would be his. I had a miscarrage and he blamed me for the event. I tried to SU and when my father brought me home from the hospital that same night after having my stomach pumped, he demanded to know when I was getting married because sex was not allowed in his house without being married. Of course he could molest girls (one time the girl told and shortly after his demand on me the cops halled his rear away for a stay in the pookie). But I did marry the jerk 2 months later.

My ex was cruel beyond words. He tried to starve me to death by denial of food. He made a point to let me know he fed the dogs better than he fed me. I lived on water and generic frozen bread. I still can not eat bread that was frozen! The sexual and mental abuse was beyond description. I am very glad I did escape with my life.

Sadly, the person who was my savior was also the woman who groomed me from when I was a teen. That was yet another part of my life that happened until I was 29 and able to finally leave that manipulation. Thankfully I was able to get my college degree inspite of the issues on that front. That was all due to my first T - a college counselor who was a blessing to me in many ways.

Now I am 11 yrs into a safe and healthy relationship and working with a great company who has been very understanding of what I am processing. Now it is going on 8 months of therapy with my new T and we are healing us up. It has been a very long and painful journey. But I am amazed at the kindness and love I see all around me now.

And THAT is my life story.

[sunrise]

wpowers, I read every word. Thank you for writing this out and sharing.

Now I am 11 yrs into a safe and healthy relationship and working with a great company who has been very understanding of what I am processing. Now it is going on 8 months of therapy with my new T and we are healing us up. It has been a very long and painful journey. But I am amazed at the kindness and love I see all around me now.

You are a survivor and despite your history have been able to follow your natural inclination toward healing.

[amante]

wpowers,

wow, what a sad and tragic life story, I'm so sorry you had to go through such a hard childhood. I'm happy to read that you've been given the blessing of a wonderful T and a safe and healthy relationship. Keep posting, your story is a great inspiration to others suffering.

[moonrise]

(((((wp)))))))

You've come a long ways.

[Miracle1986]

(((wp)))
You are a true survivor.

[Fox]

{hugs wp} You are my hero.

[WePow]

You all are so awesome. It just helped me to say it all at once - just to get it out :-)

[googley]

((((((Wpowers))))))

You are so strong! You are a survivor.

[AShadow721]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I was glad to read it and understand what you went through. You are a hero and a true survivor, like others have said. There may be no better words. I can understand why you have your alters hold certain pains. That's too much for one person to deal with. But you have now. You are an inspiration.

[WePow]

Thank you guys again. Today I am trying to work - we have ice so I am staying home to work. Trying to see if I can take off work 1/2 day. I am still very weak after Sat meltdown at work. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep and cry for the next 4 days. I asked off work for those days. I hate doing this but it feels like my heart is just ripped into a billion parts and I am trying to hold the parts together with superglue.

[amante]

Hope you were able to take the time off work and work from home. Stay in your PJ's...good idea.

[Sannah]

[WePow]

Well, we ended up seeing T on Monday - after I posted the last reply. I kinda lost it yet again. And T has me on 2 wks of short term disability. I also am seeing him every day that he has an opening. He is working so hard to make sure he can get me in to see him. So far it was Monday and Tue and I got a time today.

It is rough to have to face all of this, but I think it will be woth the hard work.

May this hard work help you turn the corner, WePow.

[amante]

I hope that you find alot of comfort and help going to the T every day, as painful as it is, hang in there. I am glad he's signed you out on short term disability. He may even qualify you for permanent disability with the PTSD.

[WePow]

Well today was interesting session. I am doing a cross sensory information processing technique that should allow me to neutralize the trauma. We did just one event today - we are going to work chronologically through the traumas. All we did was the womb sensations. And I am exhusted just from that! Ugggg...
Need to rest now.

[Sannah]

So glad that you have such a good T!

(((WP))) I am in awe of you and all the hard , hard work you are doing. You are a true survivor and you give so much hope to me. Thank you.

[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

I'd love to write my life story but I'm not ready yet.

It is so hard for me to visit this section of PC, but I am glad I did to read your story. You are an inspiration to me. Good luck on your journey of healing, I know it is hard.