rape a long time ago.....long sorry

I am sharing this because I believe if you can get stuff out you can get better...here goes
I was raped when i was 16 and never told anyone until now I always made excuses that i deserved it because I had a few drinks not to the point of blackout but it happened at a college party ( was invited because I knew the sister of the guy having the party and the whole group of us were there) I blocked this out for a very long time and just recently had some triggering memories smells taste etc. When I told my Theripist finally i thought i was going to throw up it took me back to when i locked myself in a bedroom and got in the shower and cried. the kicker of the story is my supposed friends watched as the whole thing happened, and thought it was funny because i finally lost my virginity, but the things i ask why didn't i scream louder why did he not stop when i told him no, why did i go numb and just lay there i guess i was scared. I suppressed this thing for so long I dont know if i will ever be able to let it go..and i would justify the fact because i thought it wasnt the standard incident of a girl being wisked away, i was there by choice so i believed i deserved it...did I? and sometimes i fool myself and say it wasnt rape at all because i did not fight hard enough..i even feel now as I am writting i think i never told my mom my sister i just went to sleep hoping never to wake up but i did and i pushed it so far down so deep its hard to cope sometimes i put on a bright cherry face and swallow the tears.. thank you for letting me share have to go to T tonight this has been really bothering me so that will be the topic i guess sorry so long hope i did not offend anyone this just helps a little

((((Darkside35)))) - you're very brave for sharing your story. I feel so sorry this happened to you. Let me assure you, this was rape and you did nothing wrong. You didn't deserve this and you can't second guess your actions or in-actions. It's horrendous that your supposed friends watched. Just because you were there or you didn't fight hard enough, doesn't mean it wasn't rape. You said "NO" and it wasn't your decision. I'm so sorry this was your 1st sexual experience and you deserved to have a beautiful 1st experience. Even if a person is naked, they can still say NO and be respected.

It's very good that you're dealing with this and willing to talk with your therapist. Don't ever feel you some how brought this on. There's only one person to blame here and that's the rapist. Talking and placing blame where it belongs will give you back your power. He can never take your dignity and self respect. Thank you for sharing your story and pain - your story didn't offend me. I wish you strength in healing Darkside.

((((((((( darkside35 )))))))))) The rapist for sure. The "friends" that facilitated the crime are simply disgusting.

No, you did not offend. What offends me is that the criminals did not serve any time.

I identify so much with this. I was also raped as a teen (at 15). I was at a party with friends, and (as always) we were all drinking to get drunk, if that makes sense. These "friends" laughed about it because they thought I was, like you, finally losing my virginity. Well, I suppose I was, but not in a way that anyone would ever want. I didn't lose it, it was stolen. I had the same thoughts as you: that it was my fault, that I didn't fight back, that even though I said "no" I should have done more, that it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so drunk...these things don't matter. What does matter is that I (and you) said no; we were ignored. A few months after the rape, a couple (true) friends convinced me to report it; I found out that this same guy had raped 3 or 4 other girls, all younger than I had been. The RCC (Rape Crisis Center) counselor I had was awesome. She told me that even if I had said yes, the fact that I was drunk meant that I was unable to consent; that constitutes rape. It might seem obvious, but that was my "wow" moment: it clicked. I saw it for what it was: devious and malicious rape.

I sincerely hope that you can believe these things about your own situation: it was NOT your fault, it WAS rape, and it WAS (very) wrong. Good luck with telling your therapist--I'm positive that she/he will be very supportive about this (if he/she isn't, find a different one lol!). if okay. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here...Very sorry you had to go through this!

Nobody ever deserves rape.

I don't care if you were walking down a crowded street naked and stoned out of your skull, that doesn't give anybody the right to violate you. These things are ALWAYS the fault of the rapist, not of the victim.

You have nothing to apologize for. Not even the length of the post--which wasn't very long anyway.