[Evening]

I finally told a friend what happened to me. I have started to become a little bit shady about telling people about my abuse and neglect because I'm ashamed, it has affected me so badly that I have a lot of issues (because of PTSD). I tend to get attacked a lot for it, this is the third forum I've been on in an attempt to find others, I don't want to talk about anything that happened to me anymore because I have never found someone who will listen without getting frustrated that I talk for too long or because I won't take their advice (because they have no idea what they are talking about because they know nothing about my situation).
Over the years I've started to talk less and less about it, I don't about it with friends and I only talk about it on forums with people I don't need to actually see.
Well tonight I was on MSN and one of my friends started questioning me, he had picked up on things for a while and wanted to know. I have wanted to tell people, but I just can't say it. He had questioned me a few times before and it was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't. Well tonight he tried for about 3 hours, I wouldn't answer his questions, just the whole 'it doesn't matter', 'don't worry about it' stuff.
But he still kept asking. I said I couldn't tell him because of the last few times I'd tried with people, and talking about it won't solve anything.
Eventually he came out and asked more specifically 'did something happen to you?', and I flipped. I told him everything, I ranted on typing for about 20 minutes and told him all the things that had happened to me.

I was absolutely dreading to stop because of what he might say, but eventually I did, and he didn't say anything. So of course my first thought was 'the end of ANOTHER friendship'. But instead, he wasn't angry at me, he was angry at what had happened to me, and the people that let it happen. I became a total blubbering mess seeing him so angry and concerned, I've never had somebody really care like that and it was just a huge relief to get it off my chest, and to have someone understand I need support.
I have the worst stomach ache right now from stressing myself out and getting worked up, but at least I have a friend who knows now.

I am going to wake up tomorrow and wish I never said a word, I have a habit of regretting saying things about it.

He is now coming over, but me not feeling comfortable being alone with men, I'm really stressing out over it. I kind of don't want him here, I could easily try and find an excuse to get out of it, but I know I shouldn't.
He said he wants me to get used to being around men again and that I'm not allowed to sit on the other side of the room from him.
I know he won't do anything, but I'm so used to it, and so used to being afraid, that right now my instincts are telling me to find a way to bail. He's just being a supportive friend, I need to keep telling myself that.

I wish I didn't feel like this...

[Alexandria04]

Sometimes it is easier to tell a total stranger about these things than to tell a friend. I am glad you found someone that will support you, just be careful and make sure you trust him before letting him come over while you are alone. I am sure he is a good person, but that is just me being paranoid about men too You never know, maybe you will wake up tomorrow and be happy that you finally told someone and got some of that stuff off of your chest. Sometimes it helps to talk about it, but I know what you mean about not wanting your friends and family to know. For one thing, people treat you differently after they know and that really bothers me. Plus, if I tell people I know I am always worried that it will get back around to other people I know, other family or friends that I don't want to know about the situation or know that I am talking about it, ya know? Anyway, I am glad you have a friend who cares and I am sending good vibes your way

Hi Evening,

I am a little concerned about your friend's ability to recognize boundaries. He may be well intentioned, but pushing someone for 3 hours to talk about something seems rather intrusive. It is not a sign of sensitivity to wear someone down like that. And who is he to tell you you can't sit on the other side of the room? So what if he wants you to get used to being around men (of which he is one, so how much self-interest is going on there?) What do you want?
I hope this does not seem harsh. If I am totally off base, please disregard everything I said

[Evening]

It's fine ripley, I understand where you are coming from.
This person and I have known each other for about a year, we used to study together, he has always known something is up (I couldn't answer phones in the vet clinic, talk in front of the class, I kept showing up without having slept and I nearly fainted once because I hadn't eaten). I know he is a really decent person, even if my fears try and convince me otherwise.
I did say to him 'are you trying to come over for some movies or 2 score?' and he told me he had kind of sussed out that any guys chances with me are pretty slim. It's not just about him being a guy, it's also because I said I was upset that about friends not being friends, and nobody ever wanting to come over or invite me out, so he said he was going to be coming over.
I guess in a way I'm kind of, I don't know, relieved he got me to come out with it, even if I got worked up. Of course I woke up thinking 'crap, I shouldn't have told him anything', I feel like I've been overly dramatic.

[PoetKenshin]

i don't think you're being overly dramatic, being alone with someone who's not known you that long and is a male in which you've been hurt by one, that's not a big comfort being around one. but nonetheless it is a very big step you're taking and you should be proud of yourself that you are opening up more to people or to someone you've developed some type of rapport with. i know it's gonna be hard but i don't see why it would be bad for healing. keep it up we're all behind you

I'm glad then, that you have found someone to talk with and get support from! And I know that feeling of 'crap, I shouldn't have...' It seems to come over me too, every time I take a step in the right direction. I used to find that kind of backlash hard to take, but now I try to take it as a good sign. It means I did something right in my struggle to get well

[Evening]

I think the thing about telling someone is the 'I wish you knew without me having to tell you' feeling, he has questioned me quite a while actually but I never told him, but I kind of wanted to. The last time someone convinced me to confide in them our friendship ended 2 minutes later. And then I got attacked on a forum, then I got attacked on another forum. Because my abuse wasn't a one off, it was 18 years, it's hard to keep the story short. That dread while he was replying to me, I thought it was the end.
Of course being on the computer it was easier, if he tries to talk about it tomorrow I don't know if I could. Man I don't want him to come over. I want someone else here as well, if there was another person here I'd feel better, but that's kind of cowardly of me, and he already kind of figured out I was going to attempt to have someone else here as well (dammit!).
I think the fact he's a GUY and he cares that I'm scared of him for that makes me feel a bit better too, I feel bad about the fact I have a judgment based on something he didn't even do, it's not really his job to have to convince me guys are okay to feel safe around.

[Evening]

Okay he's coming over today, I'm really starting to stress, I don't want him to be here. God I never should have told him anything...

[WePow]

Hope tha you are doing fine today and that you are safe and ok.

[Evening]

Yeah I'm feeling better now, he finally left! haha
It was really awkward at first, we just put on a movie and barely spoke, he kept joking for me to sit next to him because he knows I don't like to sit next to guys when it's just the 2 of us, I don't think he realised how uncomfortable he was actually making me feel when he was saying it.
He stayed a lot longer than I expected, 6 hours to be exact. It got a little less awkward later when we started talking more, but he isn't the most talkative person.
I am SO inviting another person along next time!

[SUNNY2009]

Evening,
I just read you original post above and can feel your angst and can feel your burden, I too have been through this and continue to strive from relif, acceptance and peace. I hope that you are in therapy and can start to learn how to accept support from others. Also I hope you are in therapy to learn how NOT to push away when someone learns of the abuse and wants to be there for you. This too is a part of the process. I think we tend to RUN when someone is getting to close. Therapy is a process but WILL help you relearn how to be close and how to make sure you create a supportive set of people you can turn to.
Telling is such a difficult thing to do but I am told it is the key to healing and I do beleive it to be true.
My experience in Letting people into my home, especially a guy .... YIKES talk about stress! Going in circles and thinking and thinking and trying to get ready and ensure everything is perfect and that they "the people" can not see past the facade we put on to protect ourselves. Our home is our safe place our protection from the world that seems to provide no safety - Our home is our bubble, our world in which we wish to live in, and as I have found is not part of the outside world. So .... when we let someone into our home/our world, is is soo difficult. But this too is something that we can expect to get better as we learn to be close to others and to rely on others for support....
I feel for you and I can relate to your words....and feelings...
I just wanted to write you and let you know that you are not alone. Hope thing work out and you begin to heal from the past.
OH YEAH .... by the way congrats on telling someone!

[Evening]

I did start to see my therapist again about it, I have seen her for 10 years so she knows everything. I decided I wanted to move on from this because I feel like I'm going nuts, it's like an instinct to be terrified of intimacy now, because of both abuse and neglect. I told her I need to move on from this so we booked about 10 sessions, then I went on a forum so that I could talk about it with other PTSD sufferers. I ended up getting some incredibly nasty comments which were a HUGE trigger for me, some of the things that were said were things one of my abusers used to call me, so I got so worked up that I quit seeing my therapist. My triggers are different depending on what each thing is, alcohol for example really just stresses me but doesn't last any more than maybe 20 or 30 minutes, but getting yelled at or being called names and getting nasty comments, those triggers can last up to 2-4 days.
The feeling that goes through me, no matter how hard I try to calm myself down, think rationally, it just doesn't work. I was nearly in tears before he came over. I don't think I could ever move on, I am not used to intimacy of any kind, I can't even hug relatives. How can I have a relationship? I'm 22! I just hate myself for it, I feel like an idiot.