[shezbut]

When in third grade, I used to walk to the town library daily. Every day, I'd stop by the post office on the walk.


**************************************************


One day, on my walk, the workers at the library had given me a couple of cactus plants. The workers were real sweet to me ~ I recall they liked me. A nice gesture. I continued on my walk to the library, which was a long dirt road (about 2 or 3 miles). A man in a red muscle car pulled over. Asked where I was going. There was no one and nothing else around.

I told him that I was going to the library. He asked if I wanted a ride. I said no, I like to walk. He told me to get into his car. I did

Down that long dirt road we drove, my heart was racing (just as it is now!!). He stopped at an abandoned house. Old, obviously destroyed by a fire years before. We went inside. There was an old scummy mattress and a few other things. He sat down on the bed and urged me to sit next to him. patting the bed..I shook my head firmly. He pat the bed more angrily and told me to come to him. I ran out of the house, and he ran after me, grabbing my arm & told me to get back into his car.

I was terrified! He had his hand on a bright and shiny silver large knife. I shakily asked where we were going. he yelled that he was taking me to the library. I said that it was straight down the road, and he had turned left. He then said that this way was quicker. My thoughts were flying fast. I had no idea what to do!

Amazingly enough, we did indeed come to the road that had the library a ways away on the right. My kidnapper turned left ~ I opened the car door and jumped out as he finished the turn. Then I ran like hell to get to safety!!

The library clerks knew me, and called the police for help. My memory gets real fuzzy again and comes back to me being taken home by police. My grandparents were living with us at that time (and my Grandpa was physically and emotionally abusive). Grandpa yelled at me that I was stupid and I deserved the kidnapping. I should have been raped. F'ing bas__rd!

I've never really talked about that part of the kidnapping. Almost as painful as the incident itself. I'm filled with terror, even though it's been 30 years. I'm shaking, my heart pounds, sweaty. And a strange emotion I can't interpret. I don't know what it is....like, guilt?? Shame?

[susan888]

(((Shez)))

Shame has to be the most horrid emotion of all. I still feel shame when I think of the man that molested me when I was 8. Did I do something wrong? Did I invite the abuse? No....I was just a sad, little convenient target.

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!

We can look back now that we are older and say that we should have never put ourselves in that situation....But Shez...we were kids. Me...I never told my family about it because they were dealing with so much at that time and I mistakenly thought that I would just be adding to the burden.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get support from your family when you were brave enough to tell.

[shezbut]

Thank you for your kind and understanding response, Susan888. I appreciate it!

[Sannah]

Shezbut, how terrifiying! I am so glad that you escaped! I'll bet if you keep thinking on this that you will be able to identify that emotion that eludes you right now. What a terrible thing for your GF to say! You were terrified and he tells you that instead of comforting you. Shame on him!

[shezbut]

Thank you for your supportive post, Sannah.

[(JD)]

That you are able to recount the story, even this much, means you're beginning to be ready to fully heal from it. I know it's tough. A child in a situation such as that has done nothing to deserve it, and I'm sorry your folks were so unsupportive, and in fact, added to your trauma!

I am sure you did the best you could, and I'm glad you weren't harmed even more that you escaped alive, and that the library people were helpful and believed you! Try to focus on the positive, and not the negative relatives.

No child has authority over an older person, especially an adult. No child can control situations where adults are controlling. No child can be held at fault for anything in such a situation, there is no blaming a child.

You sound like you did all you could for such a bad situation!

[granite1]

shez wow how terriing for some one esp someone so young ang i'm so glad you were able to get awayi can so relate to the terror you must have felt and the shame of your GF after saying what he did.so many no strings attached hugs and big thanks for trusting us with this memory

[shezbut]

That you are able to recount the story, even this much, means you're beginning to be ready to fully heal from it.

I hadn't thought of that, JD. Thanks for pointing that out

I do try not to focus on my grandfather's remarks, which I suppose is why I never talked about what he said before. Then again, Grandpa's remarks did affect my self-esteem, which I've held tightly onto ever since the incident occurred. (Not to mention it's just one small example of my Grandpa's hurtful remarks and behavior.)

Okay.....I've got to let go...

[shezbut]

Thank you for your empathy granite1. I do appreciate your kind words!

[Typo]

(((((((((((((((((((((Shezbut)))))))))))))))))))

[lynn P.]

(((Shezbut)) - so sorry you went through such a terrifying experience. Thank God your instincts clicked in and you got away - good for you. Predators like easy victims and you had strength. You did the right thing running out from his car to the library.

I'm so sorry your grandfather said that to you - how mean and shameful. It's every parents nightmare. What are horrible expeience you went through.

[shezbut]

Thank you Lynn P.

I was very lucky to get away..true.

I think that I feel guilty for referring to it as kidnapping. But, I don't know what else to call it! Everytime I talk or think about the experience, I feel guilty. I wasn't gone for days, weeks, months, or years. Just X amount of time ~ and I jumped out of the car. Know what I mean? It could have been a heck of a lot worse. And then automatic thoughts kick in: it should have been worse. I get mad at myself.

[Irine]

you know - i heard that most victims of abuse feel guilty - i feel guilty too.
because our minds refuse to accept the fact that we lost control...that we were HELPLESS

The same with me - i could have not walked with him - but you see- maybe it is an adult ego warning and scolding you - it could have been worse!! but you did not know! you were afraid. you had no confidence. afterwards you had enough to get out of it!

you know i have heard that the way to get out of judgment is to get into gratitude. YOU are still more grateful to yourself for jumping out of the car than for the possibility of not doing so correct?

also - is this situation the only case of abuse you had?

[WePow]

It took a heck of a lot of guts for you to post this and share yourself with us in this way.
Thank you for doing so. I am very sorry that it happened to you. And I am sorry that you did not get the support from your family you deserved.

[wottesworthgurl]

Many hugs for you shezbut!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by ladymacabethadmunsen

you know - i heard that most victims of abuse feel guilty - i feel guilty too.
because our minds refuse to accept the fact that we lost control...that we were HELPLESS ~~~~~~~ also - is this situation the only case of abuse you had?

Thank you ladymacbethmunsen. No, this wasn't my first or only case of abuse.

I had SA from brother (when I was 5 yrs or so) which became PA until my pre-teen years. My brother was incredibly violent. He had a thing for tackling me in whatever possible way and choking me. I couldn't breathe and my throat hurt! My brother would get this glint in his eyes ~ a fiery glee, hard to describe. Just...evil. He got a real thrill out of the pain and fear that he caused me. {My brother also developed a tendency to do the same thing to his girlfrends. Treated them like crap, made them his slaves. Used his booming voice, intimidating words, snarling evil eyes.}

When I was ages 12-14 I was SA'd by my aunt's husband.

I often fight the thoughts (belief) that I brought these things upon myself. I find it very hard to not believe!

[shezbut]

Thank you WePow

I suppose that it does take courage to reveal this (very delicate) part of my history.

Thank you.

[50guy]

shezbut, I am glad you could share and that you got away. I wasn't as fortunate... I did get away but not before the SA. I lived my childhood trying hard to avoid the perverts in the neighborhood. Most times I was able to, but when I didn't it was h ell.
Tied up, threatened, molested, violated and beaten, but I am here and I am still remembering. All I can do is accept the things I cannot change. I wonder why I didn't fight harder but, he (they) were much stronger than me. I would love to get them back for what they did....40-43 years ago. It never goes away, it is always there.
Best wishes to you. I hope you find the peace and acceptance I haven't.

[Perna]

shezbut, I'm so glad you got away before worse happened.

I had a very minor sort of incident happen to me that sort of makes me think it might reflect your feeling; I was in my early 20's, working at Sears, and bought a no-speed bicycle and tried to raise the handlebar some. I didn't get it back together tightly and was riding around the court at my parent's house and the handlebar came off in my hands and, of course, the bike crashed. I lay stunned in the gutter (literally) for a bit and nothing happened. I slowly and painfully lifted my head (had fallen face-down and my lip was bleeding badly and also sprained a wrist) and looked around and there was no one around! I got up and limped to my parent's house at the other end of the elipse, into the house and into the kitchen where "everyone" was. Both my parents were there and 3-4 other family members and friends. Nothing happened. I started to cry before anyone even looked at me! Here I was in pain and needing and "expecting" help and no one noticed.

It had to be killing for you, as a child, to come in so dramatically, with police, and get criticism instead of comfort. You knew how endangered and terrified you were but had no one to help you "contain" such overwhelming feelings. There was no closure, no ending, no "package" you could work with to begin to understand.

[SpottedOwl]

((((((shezbut)))))

You are courageous for sharing your story. That you can talk about is a huge step towards healing the pain. I'm so sorry that happened to you -- all of it.

I can identify with a lot of what you said. I was abducted as an adult, and the terror, the guilt, the shame, the sadness is all very familiar. And, my family were less than supportive.

One of the things that was very hard for me to fathom was that my attacker was a liar. That he would knowingly lie to put me off guard, and that I believed these lies, or didn't fight back enough. It was inconceivable to me that someone could lie with the intent to cause another harm and that I still somehow went along with it. My whole sense of trust in myself and the world in general was shattered. The world suddenly became a very scary and unpredictable place.

In reading your story, I can feel traces of that. He offers a ride, you want to walk. He completely ignores what you want and then tells you what to do. Each time, it is the same pattern. This is a systematic undermining of a person's sense of self. It is also called 'crazy-making', and abusers are masters of it.

Understanding that helped me make some room for compassion for myself. What he did was wrong. You are in no way responsible for his lies. You did not deserve this. He was a predator, and you used your smarts to not only stay alive, but to escape. Each time you went along with what he did, you did the absolutely RIGHT thing, because it kept you alive.

I hope you can forgive yourself and find compassion for that little girl, who did an amazing job.

Thank you so much for sharing. Safe hugs if you want them.

[purple_fins]

I can so relate to your story

I was kidnapped at 8 years old, playing at my favorite place to play,(a large acreage less than a block from my house) He seem to come out of nowhere, perhaps from behind a tree. I was held for hours at gunpoint(pointed on my back), when i was finally let go and ran home, I found the family not even missing me..... when I told them about the gun and the guy, they told me to stay home and then things like that won't happen. (felt like it was my fault) that was it! no consoling, no police, no anything...... and that guy lived in our neighborhood.

ugh.... I'm sorry you weren't consoled and made to feel safe either. It does take courage to speak up now after hearing such hurtful comments from those that were supposed to protect and console you.
kudos to you

and 50guy-- I"m so sorry you experienced such trauma/abuse. My heart goes out to you. I think it's good you shared some here. If ever you feel the want/need to talk-- you can always PM me.

fins

[shezbut]

(((SpottedOwl)))

Thank you ~ you described my emotional experience very well!

Thank you for your encouraging and supportive words. I appreciate them!

[shezbut]

(((purple fins)))

Thank you for your support and understanding! I am sorry that your family added to your emotional pain with their hurtful remarks.

[shezbut]

(((Eric)))

I am very sorry that your had such a traumatic childhood. Ongoing sexual threats and actions....so hard . Gentle hugs to you.

I hope that we all someday come to terms with our closet of memories and emotions.

[Irine]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Thank you ladymacbethmunsen. No, this wasn't my first or only case of abuse.

I had SA from brother (when I was 5 yrs or so) which became PA until my pre-teen years. My brother was incredibly violent. He had a thing for tackling me in whatever possible way and choking me. I couldn't breathe and my throat hurt! My brother would get this glint in his eyes ~ a fiery glee, hard to describe. Just...evil. He got a real thrill out of the pain and fear that he caused me. {My brother also developed a tendency to do the same thing to his girlfrends. Treated them like crap, made them his slaves. Used his booming voice, intimidating words, snarling evil eyes.}

When I was ages 12-14 I was SA'd by my aunt's husband.

I often fight the thoughts (belief) that I brought these things upon myself. I find it very hard to not believe!

SA is sexual assault ? is it just the same as rape or unfinished rape?

sorry i don`t get the terms
anyways what i wanted to tell you - that sometimes we think it is this abuse that bugs us but its the other one...