[AtreyuFreak]

There's something that keeps bothering me. It happened (multiple times) during and after the period of time in which my brother and his friends sexually abused me. It's not something that was done to me, it was...more of something I did. I didn't hurt anyone (depending how you look at it), but I feel like I'll burn in hell for it, even though I'm not religious. I feel like it made me evil, though many people think a 10 year old kid (especially an abuse victim/survivor) can't be evil...My feelings are so...ambivalent right now. I do feel great relief after finally posting about my CSA here, and I thank everyone who read it and/or responded without judging me. I wish I could do the same with this other thing that's bothering me...but I feel that I would definitely be judged for this, and I don't think I could handle that AT ALL. To supress this feels identical to how it felt to keep the burden of my CSA inside, except there's the added (horrible) guilt added to it this time. I feel I can never be forgiven, though those who were involved in it have doubtlessly forgotten about it and are not bothered by it in the least.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking cyclically or cryptically...that is my intent.

Well now, I am curious yellow!!! All sorts of stuff is going through my head-"it was masturbation, I know...tadadata...", nope- that's okay-not evil at all, urinating on your perpetrators stuff?,-nah-that's nuttin, not evil, okay-let's get to it-maybe you enjoyed it? possibly participated to some extent--? that's not to "burn in hell" for either--and I'd not judge you as "evil" for that--that's about the worst thing I can think you might be thinking-----You are Human, we all are, did I react as an infant when my "father" touched me, and deflowered me? Did I enjoy it?

I don't remember- it was before memory-been hypnotized-know it happened-my reaction????? Should anyone Judge another for being Human?

Whatever it is that has you in a tizzy--Let it go--JMO--(((((HUGS)))))-theo

[AShadow721]

There are a few things in my life I feel the same way about. Well...it was like SA, but it's different. I'll tell you, and maybe you can feel better about what happened with you. Well, there were two girls, one is not blood to me, although I didn't know it at that time, she is family. And the other was the daugther of one of my father's friends. They were both younger than me, but they came on to me. I was always quite timid as a child. So in this situation, they were younger than me, but I felt they had more power than me. Well, my family member kissed me in the closet, after we watch a movie where there was a lot of kissing. I was about 7 and she was about 4. I don't believe it was terribly wrong since I didn't start it. If I had, I would have felt like an abuser. But still, I do feel bad about it and wish it had never happened and I wonder if she does remember it. The other incident with my father's friend's daughter, I believe I felt like it was abuse on her part, because she tried to do it more than once. But at the time of the incident I reacted the way a body is supposed to in that kind of situation. This girl again came on to me. She made me sit in a box and show her my chest, which she drew on the box. She kissed me and touched me. I'm not sure how old I was or this girl was in this incident. She was probably about 6 or 7 and I was probably 9 or 10. But since she was so much younger than me and I reacted a little differently, I don't know if I could call SA. Another incident, a young cousin (also not blood related, but I knew that, my aunt was adopted), he kissed me on the lips while we were playing hide and seek (this makes me think my grandmother really did do something weird to him). He was very young, like maybe 2 or 3, and I was probably 11 or 12. I felt traumatized by that, I tried to stop him, it really freaked me out, (not to mention one time, around the same time, he put his face in my father's "area", and wouldn't stop, it was very weird). But he was so young, how could I feel abused by a toddler?

The stuff with the girls sounds like experimentation--I recall some such stuff akin to that too as a young girl--just playful experimentation brought on by the movie, and trying to act like they've seen adults act--it bothered you because you were hypersensitive to such things (i was too)-but kids do that- they play Doctor and stuff.

The little boy, however--that doesn't sound right--the kissing-ick, then putting his face in the "area"--that was an abused little boy---JMO--Theo

[claygenius]

I had some situations occur after my abuse that have surfaced in my mind recently. It is similar to what has been shared here. I'm not sure if it is SA, I'm not sure if I was the abuser, abused, or it was just experimentation. It was in 3 or 4 different situations with other children who were all within my same age (with one or two years). I don't feel that there was any power over anyone during these situations, but I have a great fear that after the stuff that a family member did to me (when I was 3-6 years old) that I am now tainted and that's why these 3 or 4 episodes happened with other children (when I was 6-10years old). I have never discussed this with anyone before, but I am kind of freaked out about it.

[AShadow721]

I've never talked about these things before either and I'm glad I got them out and off my mind. I felt weird about them. And I didn't understand that experimenting was okay. Maybe people who haven't been abused, wouldn't think anything of it, but for me I felt like maybe I was wrong, or maybe I was abused by them. I didn't know, but thanks to Theo, I feel more at ease about it. It was brought on by the movies and that is what we were acting like what we saw.

But since, I thought that my boy cousin might have been abused by my grandmother (I wrote about her in this thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=130794), that part makes more since. Or perhaps it was my father or both....We were outside in a small city. They were sitting on a bench facing the street, and my father tried to stop him. Maybe he only tried to stop him because we were outside and other family was there? I don't know.

But I think us that have been abused may be confused about experimentation. Since the only kind of contact we had around that age like that was abuse, maybe we might assume or fear that what we did was also abuse, or that we were abused.

[perpetuallysad]

I agree about the experimentation as well. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. But that's me, obviously.

About the 2-3 yr old. I don't think him kissing on the lips necessarily means csa. Some families do kiss on the lips. Me, my son, my sister and her kids all kiss on the lips. Its never been a weird thing, just a sweet thing. Of course, when the kids get older, they may decide they are too cool to kiss mom/aunt at all, so who knows. Also, when my son was 2-3 he would have put his head in someone's crotch without thinking anything. He would lay his head in my lap (which would translate into a man's crotch) all the time. And if he were standing up and so was the other person and he tried to hide his face or something, the crotch was about his face height (maybe a little lower)...so unless there is other evidence, I wouldn't let that convince me of abuse either. Anyhow, those are just my 2 cents. I obviously don't know the entire situation.

[AShadow721]

I should have said open mouth kiss, because that's what it was. I have seen some families kiss each other on the lips and there's nothing wrong with that. But this was like he was trying to make out with me. And he wasn't just laying down on my father's lap. He was forcefully putting his face directly there. Like he was trying to smell or kiss that area...He was rubbing his face there.....It was obviously ackward. My son sometimes lays his head on my lap too, but this was far from that. Sorry, this is so off topic...well we really don't even know what the topic is, lol.

[susan888]

(((AShadow71)))
When you are exposed to sex as a young child...(mine was around 4 years old by an uncle and again at 8 by a respected community member)....your view of sex is distorted. Shame because your body responds...but you are to young to understand the natural response..You know in your head and heart that it is wrong, but....why does it feel good? You end up feeling like you must be very bad. I have struggled with this for almost 40 years. Shame is a horrible, horrible emotion...especially when it wasn't your fault.

[perpetuallysad]

Atreyu, we are here to listen when you need to talk. I promise no one's going to think you're bad.

[AShadow721]

Yes Atreyu, we won't judge you. When you get things off your chest you will feel better. But take your time.