[lifelesstraveled]

I asked my sister if she was ever afraid of our mom like I was...i used the phrase "deathly afraid"...she laughed and called me a weirdo...LOL...which isn't really funny. I wanted to ask my mom why she thinks that is because this inquiring mind wants to know, but I asked my sister first to see if she had the same experience as me....she didn't. so now I am not even going to ask my mom.

it got me to thinking what if the only memory that I actually have of my mom before the the age of eight, isn't one at all? what if it's all in my head and has been for the last two or so decades? what if I made it up? what if i make up the discomfort and uneasiness I feel when I see her name flash across the caller ID on my cell? if I did,why cant i unmake it up?? I have been trying soo hard to replace it with something else...something good, maybe....? the harder I try the more frustrated I get b/c nothing is coming up but a burning in my stomach and a lead heavy chest. I started thinking that maybe this rift btwn my mother and me it's my fault and that I am causing her pain by not calling her and ignoring her when she calls me etc....i need to start thinking happy thoughts--make up something good about her then maybe it will go away.

[mtd]

lifelesstraveled,

It was my father, more than my mother, who failed me. I used to believe that it was as much my fault as his. But I was a child, reacting to the world. He was making real choices. Eventually I figured out that I simply had to grieve over what never was, but could have been if he had simply made different choices. I only wish I had started grieving sooner.

I still miss what wasn't and I'm still jealous of those who had parents that weren't broken, but allowing myself to grieve has eased a lot of the turmoil within.

Hope this perspective helps.

be well,

mtd

(((((LLT)))))&(((((mtd)))))------i know of only a very few who've had "normal" parents------------I wish you both all good things on your journey---theo

[perpetuallysad]

lifelesstraveled, I have had a very similar experience as you. My mother was extremely mentally and physically abusive to me and my two brothers. She never abused my youngest sister, though my sister was around and witnessed much of the abuse of the rest of us. As adults I no longer have contact with my mother, but my sister spends tons of time with her. I generally don't talk to my sister about my mother, but something recently came up that made me say something. My sister said I made it all up. She told me that I have lied to myself for so long that I believe it. This is very hard for me because I thought I had a good relationship with my sister and I KNOW she saw the things my mom did, it wasn't infrequent--she abused us daily!

I talked to my pdoc about this and he said that because my sister had a different experience of my mother, ie my mother was kind and un-abusive to her, that she has a completely different idea of who my mother is. He said its like we literally had two different mothers. She chooses to only think of my mother and her kindness to her. Even though she witnessed it, she refuses to acknowledge that my mom was abusive to the rest of us. Maybe this is similar to what your sister felt? Obviously I am not condoning your sister's hurtful and dismissive behavior, but perhaps this explains it?

And Theo, I don't think anyone's very "normal", so most people don't have normal parents. But I do think its possible to be a good parent, even if you aren't normal. Maybe, somewhere, there is this huge cash of people who had great parents??? I have to try to hold on to that so that I can imagine that one day my son will be a part of the people who had good parents...

perpetuallysad--I agree with you completely on the subject of "Normal"...It is a relative term, I don't know what it is either.

I too, hope that I was a good parent, and that there are many good parents out there.

I do know that at various stages of their lives, my grown children have seen me as being "the best mom ever, you were so much fun" etc., but that alternates with their age.

Now my daughter has her firstborn at age 32, she sees me as the "best mom ever" and she does everything as I used to do it...she's Mrs. Clean--and is enjoying her son's growth and development; as I did.

Those were the happiest times of my life---------Be well-theo

[eskielover]

We always seem to look at the grass on the other side of the fence as greener than what we have.....but even the greenest of grass has many problems that caused problems that no one even knows about. My parents were loving parents, & there was nothing that anyone would call abuse, but both my parents had such low self esteem that they had no concept of how to really bring up a child with any valuable self esteem. I had to strike out on my own & learn not from my parents example as my personality was nothing like my parents. They were kind & loving.....but because I was embarrassed by them, I didn't want to have anything to do with them (who would figure that a child 5 years old would know to feel that way about their parents, but it seemed to happen that way).

The problem with this was that I grew up not wanting children as I didn't know how to relate to them.....so when I ended up with a child of my own....she wasn't really wanted (at that time) because it was an interference to my career. How abusive was that to my daughter....I was always there for her & took care of her when I wasn't working & my parents were wonderful at taking care of her (they had grown so much in their self esteem also). My point here however is that now that I am older, I look back & am so thankful for my daughter & I love her more than I ever felt when she was growing up. It might be that your mother has also changed over the years & the abusive treatment that existed when you were a child might not be there now. That is something that only you are capable of determining. People do change...it's possible. If your mother has changed & the past was abusive, she should be willing to talk it through with you as it would also help her get through the guilty feelings she might have for treating you that way to talk it through, but she may be afraid to say anything to you.

I was willing to come out & talk to my daughter about the rough times I had when she was young & we have a much better relationship now, but I still miss the closeness that could have been (still working on that) if I hadn't been so into my career & being a successful professional.

My mental illness started when I lost my career. The anxiety & depression hit strong & made me an even worse Mother when she was in highschool.......but life goes on & when we survive the rough times, we grow from them & hopefully are able to mend & at least grow closer from the good points on. We can grieve what wasn't, but it wasn't & some things just are & we have to accept that & go on with our lives & make it good from the point where we do have more control over it.

Not sure it this will help any, but felt it might be a point of view that needed to be expressed.

eskielover (Debbie)

[Sannah]

LLT, you got some good responses already. Please believe in your experience. For you to have these body reactions, it was a real experience for you. Thinking good thoughts will not replace your bad experience. Working through your experience and feelings with your therapist concerning that time is how you will be able to release these things that haunt you.

[lifelesstraveled]

Eskie-- thanks for sharing your story. I feel like my mom is TRYING to change but at this point I don't want much to do with her. She wants to be part of my life, but I can't bring myself to start any type of communication with her. At least not now. The thought still turns my stomach. I don't trust her. I am afraid that if I take into account that she is trying to change and I start some sort of communication with her that I will find that nothing about her has changed which will make me hate myself for even attempting. One of my sisters (not the one mentioned in the thread) has tried to talk about the abuse (physical and emotional) she endured by my mom with my mom, but my mom didn't acknowledge it or apologize she just broke down crying (maybe that is her apology).

Sannah---working on this in therapy for me seems pointless in that I have no clue where the discomfort ( i can't even explain the emotional feeling) comes from when any mention of my mom comes up--it's just there. I don't know why I was deathly afraid of her. Maybe I was just a super sensitive kid who was born afraid of the world, including the people in my family. It's frustrating that I don't know and I don't like not knowing things.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

Sannah---working on this in therapy for me seems pointless in that I have no clue where the discomfort ( i can't even explain the emotional feeling) comes from when any mention of my mom comes up--it's just there. I don't know why I was deathly afraid of her. Maybe I was just a super sensitive kid who was born afraid of the world, including the people in my family. It's frustrating that I don't know and I don't like not knowing things.

But this is why you would talk about it in therapy so that you can discover this stuff. Do you feel that you have to have all of your bases covered before you let anything out so that you feel safer?

Parents can scare their kids very easily. A child is small and powerless a parent is large and powerful. If she was abusive she would be very, very scary. I can only imagine what you must have felt/thought when you were a child and she was being abusive. I'm sure it was very, very scary.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by Sannah

But this is why you would talk about it in therapy so that you can discover this stuff. Do you feel that you have to have all of your bases covered before you let anything out so that you feel safer?
Parents can scare their kids very easily. A child is small and powerless a parent is large and powerful. If she was abusive she would be very, very scary. I can only imagine what you must have felt/thought when you were a child and she was being abusive. I'm sure it was very, very scary.

hi sannah,

to answer you question, yes... i hate not knowing details about something. i have to know so i can know how to best prepare myself. it drives my boyfriend crazy that i have to constantly ask him for details about a place we are going or about ppl we will encounter. but in the case of talking to my t about my interactions, or lack thereof, with my mom i need to know the details surrounding my feelings with her. the only details i have are the ones described above and its not enough for me to go into a deep discussion about it. part of me doesnt want to blame her for my reactions to her esp if i have no proof. it doesnt make sense to do that at least to me anyways. i want or need someone to tell me....i mostly want her to tell me cuz i know my sister has no answer and my two older sisters werent around much cuz they are a 13 yrs older than my twin and me. idk if this makes any sense.....i

[Sannah]

THis need to know everything so that we can be prepared is a way to protect ourselves. I have learned to let this go quite a bit. I can protect myself no matter what comes up mostly and this has enabled me to relax.

So you can't trust your own experience? Why can't you start with your feelings surrounding your mom in therapy and go from there? It wouldn't be called exploring if everyone knew what would come out of it?