[mennayriu]

It's all hearsay, so the abuser always ends up being the "good" one.

I don't understand, and am very frustrated in this lack of understanding, of why these types of abusers, who can manipulate so well, seem to be the people who are heard and "understood," while the victims are made to look like they are the ones who have done all the wrong.

In writing, it's, "I love and miss you," while in speech, it's, "She's crazy," "I'm told the child isn't mine," and "I'll call CPS any time the child has a mark,"?

He can infiltrate my workplace by talking to people outside of it, he can have his friends repeatedly phone me to see if I'm picking up the phone, he can spread rumors of a non-existent DWI and auto accident my parents supposedly had, he can threaten to take off with at least one of his two children, leaving me to wonder when he may with both, he can threaten to commit suicide, threaten full custody of the child, threaten that the police won't believe me, plan to have someone murder his other child's mother, threaten to plant drugs in this other woman's car (lord knows what he's planned for me without my knowledge), insist that a child with three layers of clothing and a winter coat isn't dressed warmly enough, and the list goes on and on.

Nothing can be done. It's all hearsay. There's no proof. ...and he's taking his anger management courses. So all will be great.

Then why am I so afraid, still?

[Elysium]

Why are you so afraid still?

Because your smart!!! And your instincts are trying to tell you something and I don't think you should ignore it.

This behavior that you describe sounds a whole lot like my father's behavior. I grew up with this person you're describing. I have lived through his physical, psychological, sexual, and spiritual abuse. My T says that I have survived, but I feel like an empty shell. What good is surviving if all that is inside is dead?

But this is not about me....this is about you and your situation. It's good that he is taking his anger management classes, however if he is the type of person I think he is, he is only doing this to make it look good.

The chances of this type of person changing their behaviors and actually getting healthy is not very good. And I know it can be difficult to get people to listen to you when he paints you as the crazy. That is crazy making in and of itself.

My suggestion....get a therapist and a good attorney. Start documenting his past and current behaviors in a journal and have your therapist do the same. Take notes. If he threatens you outright or even covertly, document it and go to the authorities and get his threats and violence on record. Once you start to legally document his behaviors then I would get an order of protection and get your kids and yourself out of this relationship.

This is terrifying for you to think about....I know, because you're worried about pissing him off more and what he will do to retaliate. It can be a dangerous position to be in. But it's not going to get any less dangerous than the position you are already in.

Do some research and make and emergency plan. Locate shelters that you and your kids can go to if need be. Get an emergency cell phone that you can keep on hand that he wouldn't know about. Don't tell him ANYTHING about your plans.

Please know that you can always PM me if you need to talk.

[mennayriu]

Well, today was horrible.

He had her from 11-2. When he picked her up at 2 PM, my stepdad collected the baby and my mother went out after to give him back the gift he had mailed to me and told him I said thank you but no thank you unless it's for the baby. So this is how well the anger management courses are working:

He quite angrily interrupted my mother in the middle of her sentence and stated, "This is the last day we do this kind of contact. That was harassment the other day at the Legion."

I called the hotline and explained everything that's happened in the last week. I was told that my family and I are doing all we can and all we can do correctly. It was not harassment to him. He never called the police, he never asked them to leave. All he did was tell them thank you for the information concerning the repeated phone calls I had gotten from a friend of his and that he was glad they felt comfortable coming to him about it. They also never entered the premises. They talked to him on the porch where he readily engaged in conversation with him. It's a private club, of which my parents hold membership to another branch, besides the fact they never entered it anyway, nor were they asked to leave. He didn't give back the diaper bag, either, in all the crap.

I'm not sure what's next but I'm not too comfortable-feeling.

[samdil]

Originally Posted by mennayriu

Well, today was horrible.

He had her from 11-2. When he picked her up at 2 PM, my stepdad collected the baby and my mother went out after to give him back the gift he had mailed to me and told him I said thank you but no thank you unless it's for the baby. So this is how well the anger management courses are working:

He quite angrily interrupted my mother in the middle of her sentence and stated, "This is the last day we do this kind of contact. That was harassment the other day at the Legion."

I called the hotline and explained everything that's happened in the last week. I was told that my family and I are doing all we can and all we can do correctly. It was not harassment to him. He never called the police, he never asked them to leave. All he did was tell them thank you for the information concerning the repeated phone calls I had gotten from a friend of his and that he was glad they felt comfortable coming to him about it. They also never entered the premises. They talked to him on the porch where he readily engaged in conversation with him. It's a private club, of which my parents hold membership to another branch, besides the fact they never entered it anyway, nor were they asked to leave. He didn't give back the diaper bag, either, in all the crap.

I'm not sure what's next but I'm not too comfortable-feeling.

I am definately thinking of you today and know that you will find your way through this. I am divorced and have two small children with an instable person and it is so very very hard. You are right in all that you say about the system. Keep documenting absolutely everything that he says and does...everything. Hang in there.
Sam

[anderson]

It can be so hard, please do what the other sugested but can you ask the court if you can do the exchange at the police office it sounds like he wont be able to keep the false face on for to much longer and it will give you exta protection. good luck and may you find peace.

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like he's got some psychopathic tendencies...I am so sorry you are having to go through this. The most important thing is to keep your family as safe as possible. Dated someone like this but saw the red flags and ran...I was lucky.

[mennayriu]

Well, months later and much stress later (though less in the sense that I don't have to be around him every day) and he's blowing himself up. However, I feel powerless, still. I had an Early Intervention evaluation done on the child because she wasn't crawling by 9 months. She, by the time of the formal evaluation, was at only a 2% delay in gross motor. Everything else exceeded or was on time. Above all, I was pretty much forced into agreeing to letting the ex have the 10 month old baby (at the time of the trial) over night every other week for a night. I still don't feel comfortable with this, but...he hasn't picked her up in a month and the court date was at the beginning of February and he still doesn't have her room ready. The positive thing is that I received this letter through my lawyer from the one representing the child (I changed names/places due to privacy reasons):

"Dear Counsel:

I just returned from a meeting at Early Intervention at DSS. This meeting was called by Mr. Ex as he disagreed with the Multidisciplinary Evaluation Report. At first he wanted one phrase deleted that said, "mom reported...a stressful relationship with DD's dad..." Then he insisted it remain. The report is that my client meets and exceeds development milestones, except for a 2% delay in gross motor--of no concern, whatsoever.

I was informed, over a period of a month and even today, that Mr. Ex has repeatedly called employees at Early Intervention, speaking erratically, going on tangents, and exhibiting behaviour that has caused stress, anxiety, and intimidation. He will NOT get off the phone from these people.

I was informed that Mr. Ex cancelled one visit at the Safe Exchange Program because he identified himself as not being in the proper condition or mindset to have a visit.

Today, Mr. Ex went off on tangents at the Early Intervention meetings, insisted to me after the meeting that I was to get a full mental health report or testing on Mennayriu and said that "Albany" told him to tell me to get the mental health evaluation done on Mennayriu. I asked him the following: When will his daughter's room be ready to have a home visit done for visitation? There was no answer. I asked him if he had a mental health evaluation done, as it was requested by me at the start of litigation, and he had said he would get it done himself. He argued that he was the one who had asked for his own mental health evaluation, not me, to which I responded, it does not matter who asked, but rather, was it done? No answer from Mr. Ex, but plenty of rambling.

I received a call from Early Intervention about an hour or so later. Apparently Mr. Ex called the supervisor to the program. He had various concerns, but one was that his 3 1/2 year old daughter (who was present when I was trying to exit and talking to Mr. Ex) is now repeating, "mental health, mental health." I doubt this, but have no concerns if she is doing so. The conversation was even toned enough. She could be repeating, "puppy dog, puppy dog."

Every time I see or hear about Mr. Ex, his behaviour is highly erratic, paranoid, and disjointed. His writing to Mennayriu shows a lack of focus and are just plain bizarre.

I have enough concern about Mr. Ex's behaviors that I believe a full diagnostic examination is needed. In addition, I believe a full evaluation of all is needed to determine a recommendation for custody and visitation. Please respond as to positions."

Now...Yes he is finally showing his true colors to others, but the down side to this is that agreement I was forced into the last court date. These evaluations would only be done IF the case were to go to trial. So, essentially, I will be held liable, and not to mention feel like crap, if anything happens to her in his care because I agreed to put her in his care over night knowing of his abusive behavior. This is frustrating and I'm afraid and frustrated at what may happen next and feeling trapped because I feel like there is nothing I can do about it.

[NuckingFutz]

I was reading your last post above. I am glad his true colors are begining to show. These people are their own undoing. I am sorry you and the kids are having to go through this. Hopefully he will continue to miss visits. Keep us posted!