[REEG]

Having a tough time this week- a boy that was with us off and on for 7 years is in the news for some pretty nasty acts towards a 5 year old girl. He's now 21 and was taken in by the mother of the girl.

Luckily, the girl screamed and he ran. The police picked him up in a neighboring county that same day.

Ugh...my emotions are all over the place on this one. He told the police "I wanted to take that **** out"

He's in jail and facing over 40 years in prison for various charges.

WHY WHY WHY??????

[WePow]

(((( Reeg )))) Your emotions are so valid. It must hurt a lot to have someone you cared about and was a member of your family turn around and do something that aweful.

Sometimes people break on the inside. Sometimes the cracks in the soul are so deep that no amount of love can fix them. It is a very sad thing when that happens. When the innocent child (we are all born that way) is broken and their soul is fragmented, they can grow up and become a monster. Some of it is choice (sometimes people think that any love they are shown is a game others are playing with them or something fake) - so they choose to trust in what they know from their own internal experience (that the world is evil) and they mirror back to the world the evil they have gone through.

Then there are some who are mentally ill and things with the brain just are not working as they should. Somehow society fails and does not recognize those people and ensure that they are protected or that they protect others in society in a way that treats both the person and the members of society with dignity and respect. Help is not given and the result can be very bad for society.

The important thing to remember is that you are grieving a loss... the definition of your loss in this situation will depend on many things about this. But you have loss in this.

Be gentle with yourself and realize that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Do not allow false sense of blame or guilt to try to consume you. Just be authentic and allow yourself to cry if needed or be angry. BIG hugs to you!

[REEG]

We Pow, thank you for your post.

This young man is very disturbed, something we knew when we were working with him closely. Very tough cricumstances, both environmentally and biologically, and I think that between the biological loading and the way he chose to deal with his own hurts, he turned so much outward.

Not that this excuses any of his actions. The specifics of this situation are really beyond anything I'd ever imagined.

We have a picture of him when he was ten on the front of our fridge- Yesterday I moved it to the side, just couldn;t look right at it, but couldn't take it down, either.

So much hurt in this for so many people- then I hear the comments, from people who don't know anyone in this situation but like to talk- prision is too good for him, he should be made to suffer...ugh. And then they turn on the mother- was she stupid, why did she let him in, she should suffer....and of couse she IS suffering, as is her daughter. She is 5- and I only know glimpses of what she will have to do to heal.

I know the kid he was, when there were gilmmers of hope for him. Not seeing that much today, and I feel maybe the best we can hope for all concerned is that he is in a locked facility for many years...

A fine line between feeling it and dwell in it- this weekend I went to some sporting events with friends, which was distracting in a good way.

I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, I'm scared.

[Typo]

((((((((((((((((REEG)))))))))))))))))))

I dont' know what to say, Wepow said it very well, just wanted to show you my support and send some hugs and comforting thoughts your way

Peace and Serenity
Typo

My abuser was in a orphanage and was not treated too well as a child, and for that child I feel sorry for.

However as an adult he CHOSE to be an abuser it was his choice and he should suffer for his choice.

Prison is too good for them.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by Tishie

My abuser was in a orphanage and was not treated too well as a child, and for that child I feel sorry for.

However as an adult he CHOSE to be an abuser it was his choice and he should suffer for his choice.

Prison is too good for them.

Tishie- I'm sorry you are hurting, and am thinking of you.

Typo, thanks for your kind words. It's all so mixed up in my head right now- my 14 year old daughter wants to go and have fun in the park and all I can think of is she might run into him (though he's in jail rigt now..)

As scarey as it is, I'm trying to trust my T and reach out for support- so it's 2 times a week next week- going to try and focus on dealing with this stuff in T and not so much other times...

[Typo]

You are doing such wonderful self care steps REEG you should be proud of yourself for that. Please be extra gentle with yourself during this hard time. I think it would be good for you to go and enjoy a day with your daughter,it may take your mind off things for awhile. We can't save everyone, and in the end we all must choose to save ourselves, the man you speak of in the end chose to not save himself, it is not a reflection of you, it is a sad and unfourtunate decsion he made, he decided to continue the cyle he fell prey to as a child.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by Typo

You are doing such wonderful self care steps REEG you should be proud of yourself for that. Please be extra gentle with yourself during this hard time. I think it would be good for you to go and enjoy a day with your daughter,it may take your mind off things for awhile. We can't save everyone, and in the end we all must choose to save ourselves, the man you speak of in the end chose to not save himself, it is not a reflection of you, it is a sad and unfourtunate decsion he made, he decided to continue the cyle he fell prey to as a child.

Thanks, Typo- worked on just putting this all away for the weekend, we went to visit extended family which helped. I'm just working on reminding myself that daily life is for living, and when thoughts of all this current/ past stuff comes creeping in I remind myself there is a time and a place to deal with this, and it's not NOW.

[Typo]

Originally Posted by REEG

I'm just working on reminding myself that daily life is for living, and when thoughts of all this current/ past stuff comes creeping in I remind myself there is a time and a place to deal with this, and it's not NOW.

That is so healthy REEG! It is something I need to learn too, thank you for sharing that, How are you doing?

[REEG]

Originally Posted by Typo

That is so healthy REEG! It is something I need to learn too, thank you for sharing that, How are you doing?

Thanks for asking, Typo. I'm feeling rather fragile now... got the time mixed up and went an hour too early to T yesterday- plenty of time to get myself very wound up- next time that happens, I'm taking a walk instead of obsessing in the waiting room- lol!

Lots more 'in real time' stuff that is difficult, another death at work, more CSA stuff with my daughter, ugh.

So by the time my appt rolled around, I was a real mess- had worked myself up about 'this is the time and the place'. we really didn't do much dealing with the past, just instead talked about various things. At first I though I was wasting time, Only afterwards did I realize that my T was really helping me ground and connect with her.. so that WAS helpful!

So midway through today I realized I was just making things worse by just getting carried away, obessing and putting more pressure on myself. I was able to stop and just 'be in the moment'. So it's getting easier to realize when I need to center down and be present, I guess all I can do is keep putting the moments together and trying to notice when I'm off track!

[Tatyana2009]

Have you read the book 'When Love is Not Enough'? If not - well worth reading:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-.../dp/0970352506
And remember its not your fault.

[REEG]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Have you read the book 'When Love is Not Enough'? If not - well worth reading:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-.../dp/0970352506
And remember its not your fault.

Thanks for this- I have heard of Nancy Thomas, but haven't read it, I'll check it out...

[Tatyana2009]

I think you will find it useful. Its a must I think for any foster carer or adopter. And for step families too.

[REEG]

Tatyana- and others interested in this topic, you may also like
"Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: A love Based Approach to helping children with severe behavior disorders by Heather T Forbes and B Bryan Post, Ph D

[anderson]

(((reeg)))
When our son was dealing with his abuse by our bio-family. He was very angry at us for not protecting him. We protected him the best we could but we were both physcal and mential not able to remove our selvs from them based on the server abuse programing. I have DID/mpd. so we felt like something was wrong but it was not available to everyone in our system. We had a form of traumatc aminsia. Those within me were scared, hurt. But when we remembered our foster family we ran like heck to them. It was my foster family that gave us the ability to heal and help our son recover from the abuse that our bio-family had did to both of us.
~~
When my son had a recall of the abuse, we did not excuse the actions of our bio family but did point out that they had choicen to own the abusive behaviors of their parents in this case it was our fathers family that abuse was normal and encourage. My son in his usually fashion looked at us abd said that people can change then hurt you. We looked at him and told him that everyone can change how they react to each other but that is based on their choices. You have to learn to take each person for who and what they are and accept the fact that each person can and may change the way they react to others.
~~
Those within us just wanted you to know that we are greatfull for foster familys. These people can not totally erase what our bio-families have done to us. but to those of us that are willing to have an open heart and the ability to feel the differents in how the good foster family treat us. They give many a chance for a new life and hope.
~~~
Like the others said please take gentle care of your self and know that any attempt to help an injured child is not in vain. Safe hugs and thoughts from all of us to you!

[Angel21]

(((((((((reeg))))))))))))