[QUEEN OF WANDS]

i feel i do not deserve to feel hurt by the things that happened to me..like it really wasnt that bad..but if someone were to tell me they went through what i went through i would expect them to feel awful...i just feel like maybe im using the abuse as an excuse to answer why i am messed up..and not take responsiblity for being"lazy"..altho i know its more than that..i would rather shut the world off and live in my own but it looks like people out there maybe enjoy their life and i want that..when i am around people i feel like i am not good enough,like i should be better than what i am,,that leads me to do or say things that later i am embarrased of or people give me a strange look,,i am always acused of caring about things i shouldnt,,,,some people think i should be more selfish,, think i should look out for me more.........was it that bad? i mean , did i somehoow want it , no,i guess not,,at three years old i just wanted love,,not abuse..when the abuse first started it was a game...it made me feel good to be good at it,,i wanted someone to be proud of me.......i cant stop thinking it wasnt that bad ,,others went through worse things.......i feel sick

[Gus1234U]

Dear Queen of Wands,,,, one thing that we don't often acknowledge is that some families, some family cultures, and especially families where abuse is a common, multigenerational feature,, have the effect of " stunting" family members' emotional development. so no one can seem to break the cycle, cause they are all deficient in those skills,, one thing you can do ,, if you are determined enough, is find someone who HAS those skills and convince them to let you be around them enough to learn to mimic them, as you would have mimicked your parents when you were a child. for most people this involves a paid friend, commonly called a Therapist. choose carefully, for you will become like the person you choose (hopefully). this is the best way i have found for changing when one has no foundation for change. hoping for the best for you,,, Gus

[ChrisToThePher]

Even though I was abused as a child too I don't feel right saying "I know what you are going through." or even that "I understand.", because I don't know exactly what you went through, but I can say that I have felt the same as you have described. Acknowledging that it happened is a huge step towards recovering from it. I did not say getting over it because I don't think it is really possible to ever get over something like that. I apologize if I'm making it worse. This is something I still fight with as well but sometimes just knowing your not alone can help a lot.

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

from the bottom of my heart gus thank you,,i needed that...there is hope and i am not alone ,,i will try hard to keep that thought with me..i do not have ANY money for a therapist so i have gone to free mental health..they mostly offer group therapies and some docs to diagnose and prescribe meds..i am terrified of groups and opening up but i am determined..i am looking at my fears in the face and doing it anyway,,altho it is soooo hard to keep moving forward,,if i dont i can only get worse because it is getting so much that i do not want to live(stronger wishing for death than ever before),but also fear of death and the unknown,,strange,,but my love for my children would never let me go to sleep for good..they deserve better...i do everything i am capable of to make sure nobody ever hurts them,,i could never hurt them by making them live knowing their mother was so distraught...i will be ok...if not than im in for one hell of a ride because these emotions are becoming uncontrollable,and the anxiety is too much...trying to stay strong

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

when i am around people i feel like i am not good enough

This is common when a person has been abused. When you are abused you deduce that you don't have much value. This is common reasoning but it really isn't true. You were abused because sick people had access to you. It had nothing to do with your lack of value. Sick people only think about themselves. All children are valuable and deserve a good upbringing.

This can be fixed as an adult.

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

i am always acused of caring about things i shouldnt,,,,some people think i should be more selfish,, think i should look out for me more.........

This is probably very true. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes had to meet someone else's needs (you met the needs of your abuser) while your needs were totally ignored (because your need was to not be abused). This causes us to grow up not even being aware of our needs and to only focus on the needs of others because this was how we were trained.

You can change this as an adult. The first step is being aware, being aware of when you automatically meet the needs of others without even thinking about it. Also, you have to figure out your needs and then try to meet them.

Originally Posted by QUEEN OF WANDS

was it that bad? i mean , did i somehoow want it , no,i guess not,,at three years old i just wanted love,,not abuse..when the abuse first started it was a game...it made me feel good to be good at it,,i wanted someone to be proud of me

This makes total sense and I can see how you would have thought and felt this at 3 years old.

[REEG]

Queen of Wands,

Minimzing the impact of abuse that you suffered is a very common coping mechanism- one that once served you well, but now makes it difficult to heal. With a support group or good T, you can gradually tell your story and become more aware of the abuse and its impact in your life. It's not easy, but you are WELL WORTH IT! Keep posting here in pC, and reaching out for help in many different ways- different approaches and people will be helpful at different times. Best of luck to you!

[Nupoet64]

Queen, it is not a matter of who had/has the worst or worse abuse. It only matters how it affected you. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, then it is bad. The only abuse I have not suffered was ritual abuse...at least not to my awareness to date. But that doesn't minimize what happened to you. If you can step back and see another person telling you "their" story and it is your story adn you feel empathy, compassions and know they must feel aweful, then allow yourself the same rights as other humans. That is how I have to look at it.
I tend to look at my life adn say, "That is just the way it is." But if I see someone dealing with just one part of what I went throuhg, then I feel bad for them adn get very angry at the abuser. So I have to step back and say the things to myself that I would say to my best friend if she were relaying the same story to me.
I hope that makes sense, lol.
You have a right to be treated fairly adn compassionately, no matter the type or extent of abuse you suffered.
Many safe and warm hugs of healing..
And remember, none of you feelings should be considered invalid, by you or anyone esle....they are YOUR feelings..