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Member Since Oct 2006
Location: Appalachia
Posts: 9,968
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#21
geez, it sounds like there is more going on in your relationship than just your discomfort with him viewing porn. I hope you and he can untangle it all and work on the bits and pieces.
Personally I think viewing porn is totally personal. I did not like when my husband viewed porn because he used it as a sex substitute even when I was available. That made me angry. But after I divorced him I met a man who shared viewing the porn with me and we used it as a prelude to our personal time. That worked out pretty well. Just my two cents FWIW __________________ The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous |
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geez
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Magnate
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 2,371
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#22
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I suppose it's ok for him to watch porn on occasion as it doesn't seem to be effecting his attraction to me. I just want to share my feelings about it without him being defensive. I feel so attacked. __________________ "Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
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Magnate
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 2,371
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#23
Update three:
Today things did not go well His anxiety got the best of him and I felt totally embarrassed and humiliated in public today A part of me feels like how can I keep living through these moments of humiliation? - they happen every so often but not everyday. I feel like I have to choose between suffering through these moments for the sake of the marriage or call it quits. There are really great things about him: helps around the house, amazing father, he does love me and support me. The down side is he doesn't want to spend time with me or just us together. His anxieties about the house, work or the kids keep his attention away from coming up with something for the both of us to do. I seem to be the only one who does this and I'm tired of not feeling wanted other than the bedroom. Is all of this a result of me being triggered about something else???? is the picture I see not real and the triggers are giving me a distorted view?? this is something I need to figure out. I feel like I'm in a dark place right now so please pray for me. I'm sorry for rambling on in this thread. __________________ "Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
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Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,269
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#24
((geez)) - I'm sorry you had a bad day and feeling in a dark place. When things calm down - maybe you and your husband could plan a regular date night...just you and him. When you're out, both of you agree not to talk about kids, work or problems - just pleasant conversation, even comfortable silence lol. Think about the days when you were both dating and the kind of conversation you would have had then. I'll keep you in my prayers geez
__________________ This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
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geez
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Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,004
14 |
#25
(((((geez)))))...Praying for you...
__________________ ....the axe soon forgets, but the tree remembers forever... (Chinese fortune cookie) |
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geez
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Legendary
Member Since Jul 2008
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#26
So he has anxiety and his anxiety keeps him too busy to spend time with you? The incident that you are talking about, you were embarrassed for him when he got really anxious out in public? Sounds like you have a lot of positives in this relationship, everything else can be worked through.
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You feel attacked because when you bring this up he works to shut you down about it? You can work through this and it will be very helpful to your relationship. __________________ Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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Magnate
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 2,371
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#27
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"I have a hard time asking for what I need or want. I feel like I'm asking for too much." I have a hard time asking for what I need or want. Growing up I was taught to never ask for anything. To ask for anything meant I was ungrateful and spoiled (no matter how basic the need). When I was asked what I would like or what I needed things always fell through. I would get my hopes up and then the rug would get pulled out from under me (anything from hugs to clothing to something I wanted for my birthday). Quote:
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We had a longggg discussion last night (ok he talked most of the time ). He said some things to me that I needed to hear . I just hope I can work on myself to help the relationship and that I can 'get over' his anxiety. Thank you all for listening! __________________ "Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
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Nupoet64
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Member
Member Since May 2010
Location: Iowa
Posts: 342
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#28
So glad to hear things are feeling a bit better. Having real communication is such a good thing. I hope things continue to get better!
__________________ wife. mom. swimmer. writer. trying to live life in spite of depression, dissociation, and PTSD. member of a club that no one wants to join... |
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geez
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Legendary
Member Since Jul 2008
Posts: 19,179
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#29
Quote:
Does his anxiety trigger you? Did you have a parent who was anxious? I can understand how he embarrassed you in front of your friend. I'm glad that he apoligized and told you what was going on with himself. Do you 2 usually talk about stuff like this that happens? Quote:
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I gather you are working on being able to talk more too? __________________ Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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Magnate
Member Since Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 2,371
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#30
Thank you for your response Sannah. My husbands anxiety triggers me in that his behaviors when anxious are triggers for me. I have these 'old feelings' of being humiliated and embarrassed as a child. I swore I would never let myself feel that way again or allow myself to be in a situation that would cause me to feel that way. My parents didn't have anxiety they had other issues. - they were yellers and I nothing I did made them happy (some physical abuse as well - my husband doesn't do this).
My husband embarrasses me not all the time in public but often enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin. It's that old feeling I had as a child that I hate. Something to talk about at my next appt. TY! __________________ "Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
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Legendary
Member Since Jul 2008
Posts: 19,179
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16 1,773 hugs
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#31
Yes! Something to talk to T about!
__________________ Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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