? about pornography

geez, it sounds like there is more going on in your relationship than just your discomfort with him viewing porn. I hope you and he can untangle it all and work on the bits and pieces.

Personally I think viewing porn is totally personal. I did not like when my husband viewed porn because he used it as a sex substitute even when I was available. That made me angry. But after I divorced him I met a man who shared viewing the porn with me and we used it as a prelude to our personal time. That worked out pretty well. Just my two cents FWIW

I have a hard time asking for what I need or want. I feel like I'm asking for too much.


I suppose it's ok for him to watch porn on occasion as it doesn't seem to be effecting his attraction to me. I just want to share my feelings about it without him being defensive. I feel so attacked.

Update three:
Today things did not go well
His anxiety got the best of him and I felt totally embarrassed and humiliated in public today

A part of me feels like how can I keep living through these moments of humiliation? - they happen every so often but not everyday. I feel like I have to choose between suffering through these moments for the sake of the marriage or call it quits. There are really great things about him: helps around the house, amazing father, he does love me and support me. The down side is he doesn't want to spend time with me or just us together. His anxieties about the house, work or the kids keep his attention away from coming up with something for the both of us to do. I seem to be the only one who does this and I'm tired of not feeling wanted other than the bedroom.

Is all of this a result of me being triggered about something else???? is the picture I see not real and the triggers are giving me a distorted view?? this is something I need to figure out. I feel like I'm in a dark place right now so please pray for me.

I'm sorry for rambling on in this thread.

((geez)) - I'm sorry you had a bad day and feeling in a dark place. When things calm down - maybe you and your husband could plan a regular date night...just you and him. When you're out, both of you agree not to talk about kids, work or problems - just pleasant conversation, even comfortable silence lol. Think about the days when you were both dating and the kind of conversation you would have had then. I'll keep you in my prayers geez

(((((geez)))))...Praying for you...

So he has anxiety and his anxiety keeps him too busy to spend time with you? The incident that you are talking about, you were embarrassed for him when he got really anxious out in public? Sounds like you have a lot of positives in this relationship, everything else can be worked through.

Do you understand where this is coming from?

There is a way for you to share your feelings while working to not put him on the defensive. You can explain to him first that your motive isn't to take the porn away from him but you want to share your feelings about it because it will help you and it could help you in the sexuality department.

You feel attacked because when you bring this up he works to shut you down about it?

You can work through this and it will be very helpful to your relationship.

Yes - He gets anxious about allot of things. If he didn't worry so much about things that aren't worth worrying about then maybe I would be on 'his list'.

I wasn't embarrassed for him I was embarrassed/humiliated because of his behavior. We were in a parking lot and I saw a friend of mine walking by. I was getting something out of the back of the car and I said hello to her and a few words about how her kids were doing. My husband then started talking loudly/yelling that I needed to close the door and let him move the car. At that point my friend just walked away. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. When we got home he apologized for the way he acted and told me what he was anxious about. - I felt better after the apology but I'm not fond of feeling humiliated/embarrassed (something I grew up with).

"I have a hard time asking for what I need or want. I feel like I'm asking for too much."
I have a hard time asking for what I need or want. Growing up I was taught to never ask for anything. To ask for anything meant I was ungrateful and spoiled (no matter how basic the need). When I was asked what I would like or what I needed things always fell through. I would get my hopes up and then the rug would get pulled out from under me (anything from hugs to clothing to something I wanted for my birthday).


Thank You!

Yes. I feel like I'm talking to a lawyer. In addition to me having a really hard time opening up. I told him that I have a hard time talking about things that bother me and then I do and I feel attacked. - he tells me - why didn't you tell me when it happened? etc.... I tell him that I need time to gather my thoughts and I'm working to talk about my feelings in a constructive way. I told him I'm working on it and to get shot down when I do try to express my feelings doesn't help me.

We had a longggg discussion last night (ok he talked most of the time ). He said some things to me that I needed to hear . I just hope I can work on myself to help the relationship and that I can 'get over' his anxiety.

Thank you all for listening!

So glad to hear things are feeling a bit better. Having real communication is such a good thing. I hope things continue to get better!

Hmmmm, I hear something here? (How you feel about his anxiety). I had to work a lot on anxiety. I know about these lists of things to worry about and I also understand how I must have driven my husband crazy with my anxiety.

Does his anxiety trigger you? Did you have a parent who was anxious?

I can understand how he embarrassed you in front of your friend. I'm glad that he apoligized and told you what was going on with himself. Do you 2 usually talk about stuff like this that happens?

Does it help to remember this when you are having a hard time asking for what you need? Whenever I am tackling a problem of today and it is tied to something in the past I remind myself right in that moment of how the past is affecting the way that I am behaving today and then I try to push myself in the moment to behave in the healthier way. Sometimes it takes a few times before I can act differently today but I can always work through it using this technique.

Yes, this is great that you 2 are talking about this stuff! I think that you 2 will work this out!

I gather you are working on being able to talk more too?

Thank you for your response Sannah. My husbands anxiety triggers me in that his behaviors when anxious are triggers for me. I have these 'old feelings' of being humiliated and embarrassed as a child. I swore I would never let myself feel that way again or allow myself to be in a situation that would cause me to feel that way. My parents didn't have anxiety they had other issues. - they were yellers and I nothing I did made them happy (some physical abuse as well - my husband doesn't do this).

My husband embarrasses me not all the time in public but often enough to make me want to crawl out of my skin. It's that old feeling I had as a child that I hate.

Something to talk about at my next appt. TY!

Yes! Something to talk to T about!