? about pornography

Has anyone been triggered/effected by pornography?

My H was looking at some pornography online and I happened to see it as I went in his office (home office btw). He didn't seem to mind that I was there and smiled when he saw me. I just said oh geez and left the room. I'm feeling really hurt by this and disgusted at the same time. I plan on discussing this with him but I just wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience (who also has a past history of SA).

I'm glad that you are going to discuss this with him because it is good for you to let him know how it makes you feel.

Hi Sannah - I'm still processing so I haven't talked to him about it yet. I don't want to talk about it with him until I understand why I'm feeling what I'm feeling - I'm afraid that will just frustrate him and start an argument.

This has been an issue for my husband and I in the past. However, it is an issue for many women - whether they are csa survivors or not. It feels like a betrayal to know that your husband is seeking pleasure in that manner somewhere other than with you. Especially if it starts interfering with his attention towards you... it's just a no-win, in my opinion. Some women are capable of separating the two in their mind and aren't bothered by it and others will enjoy it with their husband.. but, in my experience, most csa survivors are deeply troubled by it and I think that comes from the fact that we see our partner actively objectifying women when we ourselves were objectified. It's hard to see the man you love looking at women purely as a sexual object and reconcile that with how he might see you.

I hope it doesn't become a fight between the two of you. Just remember to focus on expressing how it makes you feel without making it sound like accusations or a personal attack. Use 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements.

I haven't been personally affected but I wanted give my 2 cents -hope that's okay. I quoted this part of your post because I think his reaction is very important. He didn't try to hide it at all and even smiled - this is good news really. I suspect he probably uses it occasionally. If this was more sinister in nature, his reaction would have been to immediately shut it off, he would be flustered, possibly angry and upset. Instead your husband was calm, even smiled.

I'm not sure what your views on pornography are. In a perfect world I wish it didn't exist but unfortunately with the internet, it makes it too easily accessible. I think it's possible for people or men to use it moderately, where it doesn't interfere with their relationship. If a person becomes addicted and starts to ignore their partner - this would be a problem.

Do you think you could ccept this if it was an occasional thing? It's a fact that partners masturbate even when they have a good sex life - sometimes it's easier to do it watching porn. The best way to approach this is from a calm stand point. I'm not advocating porn, but just trying to be realistic so you don't think your marriage is unstable. I sense you don't need to worry though.

(((((((((((geez)))))))))))!!...Yes, I have a big problem with porn!! Everything that ahppened to me as a child was surrounded by it. I have always known what it was, and where it was kept in the house.
I read something online not long ago. It said that pornography is to a SA victim as giving an African American KKK literature or a concentration camp survivor Nazi propaganda. I whole heartedly agree.
It triggers me and makes me feel ill and makes me put my husband in the same grp with the predators and pigs of the world. It is a hard thing to overcome.
I do talk to my husband when it comes up. He seldom sees anything wrong with it, but after our last talk it has been better. I did not try to be "polite" in our last discussion, I told him what I had read adn exactly how it makes me feel. I was very angry. Very hurt & sick at my stomach.
I hope you and your husband can find a common ground so that you can heal....hugz..

I have been affected yes. Part of my abuse history actually, being forced to watch it.

I'm sorry that it upset you this much, I do hope you talk to your H about it.

Thank you ((Sannah)), ((Invisible)), ((Nupoet)), ((Lynn)), ((Christina)),

To start off I've never been a big fan of pornography as I feel it objectifies women. I had an argument with a professor once about the subject and how I think pornography should be outlawed as I feel it objectifies and doesn't help with crimes against women (that's another topic). Not to say that pornography causes crime against women it just doesn't help in society to objectify women - On the other side of the coin we also live in a free country where there is freedom of expression as much as I don't agree with some of that expression. Having said that there was a time when I used pornography in a past relationship - this was while under the influence of other substances - this was many years ago - not sure that was a healthy thing for me to do as I objectified myself to please my boyfriend at the time. I felt if I could just make him happy then he would love me more.

One thing that bothers me about this is the name of the woman in the video had the same name as me. Some feelings of disgust, feeling dirty, just really gross inside etc.. come to mind. Not sure why. I haven't figured that out yet. - perhaps because she has the same name - not sure? - pornography was never used during my SA that I can remember.

I guess my question to myself is this: Is this one of those "it's all in my head" and these feelings don't really fit with the situation? - I'm making this a 10 instead of a 3 for level of importance. Do I need to find a way in my head to be able to just get over it?

Nupoet I understand you feelings. The word pig comes to mind for me as well.

I'll be posting more about this as I figure things out/resolve things.

I don't think you're over reacting. It is very easy for a SAS to be very upset by it.. even if it wasn't involved in the SA you experienced. It was not directly involved for me either, but I do know that my dad watched porn with my brother (abuser) when my mom was out of town. So it was probably a contributor.

And yes, on the whole, I think that pornography (whether male or female or whatever... since it's NOT all naked ladies) does contribute to a desensitization and overly relaxed and casual attitude towards lust and sex. It promotes casual sex just by existing.

No, you should not have to find a way to just make peace with it. In a marriage there always needs to be room for compromise and discussion and even sometimes sacrifice. Your husband loves you and should desire very much to have you feel happy and safe and comfortable with him - in and out of the bedroom. If his use of pornography is going to hinder that, then it should definitely be discussed so that they two of you can work toward establishing an appropriate boundary that you are comfortable with.

This Dr wrote a book with many years of research and statistics reguarding pornography, women and SA.
http://www.dianarussell.com/orderboo...sRelationships
It is quite interesting.

Geez, I don't think that you are overreacting, you are simply reacting and your feelings are very important.

Update ... Well I told my husband something was bothering me and I didn't mention it sooner because I needed some time to think about it. I didn't want to come across angry so I sat with it until I could be calm about it. I told him I was bothered about the pornography the other day. He then told me that it's not good that I hold onto thing for a few days before discussing and I should tell him up front that I'm bothered and we can discuss it another time. He then said that yes he was looking at pornography in the privacy of his office and the kids weren't around to see it. He said that as long as he keeps it private then I shouldn't have a problem with it. - he was using allot of YOUS in talking to me and I was getting angry but I kept silent because I didn't want to cause an argument about how he was arguing. - i figured that wouldn't help things.

I'm now 'sitting with it' feeling sad sigh - why do I feel so week and pathetic.

((geez)) - the description of your conversation sounded good at first but seems like it didn't end up where you feel satisfied. I think you will need to talk about this again and you should say how you feel. Sorry you're sad.

I'm sorry things went the way they did.. I know how discouraging that is.

I don't want to sound alarmist, but that is an abusive stance for him to take. to say 'I find this acceptable and see nothing wrong with it, so you can just deal with it'. That's not ok.

If, like me, you have a hard time verbalizing your feelings and opinions when someone is talking down to you that way, perhaps you can write him a letter/email? I do that often with my husband because I have a tendency to be VERY sensitive to the way he talks to me and usually end up just shutting up and stuffing my feelings for the sake of keeping the peace and keeping him happy. There's nothing wrong with finding an alternate approach if you don't feel like he is willing to hear you out in a discussion.

It is OK for you to stand up for YOU and your feelings!

Sounds like he got used to you not speaking up about how you feel. I would suggest that you approach him and tell him that you want to share with him how you feel.

Update two:
I told him I wanted to talk to him later about something (the kids were around at the time). He then asked what about and I told him 'the computer thing'. He then said that he thought we were over it and I told him that it bothered me and I wanted to discuss it more. He then said that he didn't watch it all the time and only once in a while. He also said it was in the privacy of his office and it didn't include me so I should be fine with it. I agreed with him because logically it does 'make sense' however my feelings are different and I'm still figuring them out.

The subject then shifted to me feeling guilty for asking for time out of the house sans kids. I told him I feel jealous of him asking to go out and him not seemingly feeling guilty or worry about it like I do. I feel jealous of his fun time as I feel like he gets more of it then I do. He then used allot of YOU statements about how I do this and that like go to the gym etc.. which is true but I feel like that's not enough (perhaps because I'm with the kid/s 24/7 all day every day. I then couldn't take the way he was talking to me (I felt like he was talking at me not to me at this point). I locked myself in the bathroom and covered my ears (real mature I know). When I came out he was very different and started being supportive by telling me he cares about me and wants to support me. He asked that perhaps I should call my T and that he is worried about me. - the fact that he turned things around is a good thing.

I don't know what I should be feeling at this point. I want to crawl into a hole and hide right now.

Sorry for the ramblings. I hope you don't read this and end up as confused as I am right now.

((((((geez))))))

I have been there. So so been there.

I'm glad he turned around when he saw that he had upset you.. but I hope he realized that HE upset you. He needs to stop stepping on you. You are showing courage and expressing your needs and desires to him and he is discounting you - that's not good. Do you think he'd be willing to join you with your T and talk about it? Maybe have a mediator of sorts?

But NO. It does not logically make sense for him to continue watching porn in private if he knows it bothers you or makes you uncomfortable. If you'd like to know some of the ways my husband and I got through that situation, I'd be happy to share. Just pm me.

Thank you for the hugs invisible. As for him going to see any T? DON'T GET ME STARTED!!! - My T agreed to meet with me and my husband once a long time ago and she set him strait about something

She did say that she won't do couples therapy and her meeting with us together was a one time thing

I've been BEGGING my husband to go to therapy for over two years now and wont go. He's a 'do it yourself' as my T says. I've just been trying to work on my part of things as best I can. Sigh.

I suppose things could always be worst.

Thank you

I havelearned that with men, you sometimes have to paint apicture for them....how would he feel if he came in and you were looking at porn? I sat with my husband, who kept saying he was buying it for "us". I watched one video with him and pointed out all the stuff in there for the "woman"....not much at all. I also showed him who they were targeting with the film scenes....the man. Then we discussed how it was for "us" as a couple. Then I got a normalmovie that had a really nice looking guy in it and made a fuss everytimehe was on screne....said something like, "Now if they madeporn with him in it, I might watch some", etc....It finally sank in a bit.
But what I learned mostly is that the porn is my husbands "relief"addiction. When he is scared, stressed or upset, he has more trouble with it. Like an alcoholic drinking more during times of great stress.
So sorry the conversation did not go as planned. Not saying you should do as I did...it depends on your husband. But if you do not let him see the anger over it, he will not take you seriously.
I finally moved to the couch one night...thatmade the biggest impact.
GL...safe hugs...

Geez, why do you feel guilty about asking for time out away from the kids?

It seems that he wants his porn and he is being protective of it and is cutting you off from discussing it? I would suggest that you approach him again and don't mention the porn at first at all (because it seems that he is getting defensive) and tell him that you want to share some of your feelings. Do you want him to stop watching porn or do you just want to share your feelings about it?