[Kacey2]

This is my second time through reading the book 'Trauma and Recovery by J Hermon' I have to say that I feel like you could insert my name into that book and it could be about me. The damaged self, the doublethink, constriction with emotions, disconnection, the child grown-up.

Her first line in the chapter titled child abuse is; "Repeated trauma in an adult life erodes the structure of the personality already formed, but repeated trauma in childhood forms and deforms the personality." Those words and many others in her book ring so true to me, I feel like my heart is being ripped out from my chest. I can not read this book with out crying millions of tears.

It is pretty validating because she so intelligently explains why my personality is the way it is. She explains how some personality disorders are formed formed as a direct result of a childs environment in which he/she is raised. It is a deeply greiving experience for me not only for the childhood and innocense that was lost but mostly for the effects that it has had on my adult life. What I consider the character defects within me. My lack of social skills for resolving problems, my trouble with establishing independence and intimacy, my distressing abandonment /attatchment issues, and the deep seeded depression and somatic complaints. I do not share my laundry list of ailments simply to unburden myself. I am finding in my readings of this book that those are all consequences of childhood abuse and trauma. How many on this forum can relate to one or all of those issues? The heartache and struggles do not end when the childhood does.

The last half of Judith's book talks about stages of recovery and specifically defines a chapter about the healing relationship. Now for many of us here on PC ,myself included, it immediately shifts our thinking to our therapy and relationship with our own t. What I am most observant about is that the longer I am in therapy and understand the limits of this relationship, the less I want to share with him. I am always struggling with my attatchment either too much or not enough for t. One would think that going through this grieving process that this book has lead me on would bring up plenty of conversations for therapy. But no..........silent I remain. I don't really feel like sharing with t the words that go along with those tears I cry. I don't have a desire for a healing relationship nor to reconnect with others. Now should that be of concern to me? I don't know, I feel a lot of emotion during the first half of the book and when it gets to this part I feel numb, disinterested, and a little apathetic I guess.

I am not sure how to wrap this up. I don't know if I posted a question or just an entry of my reactions to this book. I guess I went from intense feeling again to a sense of disconnection. How to bring this full circle I can not even articulate in this thread. Just thinking..................and now not able to think..................KC

[purple_fins]

Like you--I couldn't believe when I read this book-- I read about ME!
Yes I can relate to so so much in it.

"Repeated trauma in an adult life erodes the structure of the personality already formed, but repeated trauma in childhood forms and deforms the personality."

this is the very reason that I wish there was some other word for -- childhood trauma-- other than PTSD. trauma for a child CREATES/FORMS part of who they become, whereas, like Herman says-- adults have intact personality that gets errosions. Adults that expereince trauma already have a well formed personality(considering they grew up in a somewhat healthy environment). It's different.... very different.

The heartache and struggles do not end when the childhood does.

Oh I so so agree! that is why I hate the phrase-- "children get over things-- they're so RESILIENT"
what?!!! if kids were so resilient then therapists offices would be almost empty!!! argh!

ok-- stepping off my soapbox

It's great you find validation in this book-- I did too.

One would think that going through this grieving process that this book has lead me on would bring up plenty of conversations for therapy. But no..........silent I remain.

I always struggle with words too. --so in therapy I have done art and T. and I share books to read and talk about those-- the books usually have issues that I relate to in various ways. this has helped me immensely-- have you tried different avenues to be heard and or express your feelings/thoughts?

I don't have a desire for a healing relationship nor to reconnect with others. Now should that be of concern to me? I don't know, I feel a lot of emotion during the first half of the book and when it gets to this part I feel numb, disinterested, and a little apathetic I guess.

if not connecting with others feels comfortable to you and you are happy with it-- then I'd say-- NO, that is nothing to be concerned about. but.... if your disconnection makes you uneasy, sad or feeling upset then I think you have more work to do

good day to you

fins

[Kacey2]

Purple-fins,
Thank you soooo much for responding to my post. I really appreciate it. I do want to respond to some of what you had to say. I just have to think about it a little before responding. I just wanted to say thanks for now!

[Kacey2]

So I printed out my post and read it to my t over the phone. We had a 30 minute phone call scheduled and I took that opportunity to be really brave and read it to him. I read it with a strong clear voice, with a lot of detatchment, but I managed to get it out.

His response was: He first asked if he could give me some feedback and I said yes. And then it seemed like forever before he said, "KC your writing is beautiful. The way you are able to draw people into and describe your feelings on paper is a beautiful thing.

He than went on to talk about the therapy relationship and how indeed it is a painful one with disappointments but he said that he believes all real relationships have disappointments and limits. He talked about how to make the pain worth it. And I said, "I just don't know if I can get behind that idea. I don't need to load up anymore on my plate of painfulness." He thought that we could look at how to balance out the relationship so that I got enough joy out of it to somehow counterbalance the pain that it brings me.

Someone else posted on the psychotherapy forum today about not letting go of an ED so not to have to look deeper into the painful issues. Maybe that is what I am doing. Not looking further than the t relationship inorder to avoid those raw child feelings. Or is it that this relationship is sort of a trigger for me? My longing for that safe parent role that never happened. Or could it possibly be the boundary crossings that made it so hard for me to understand limits and still feel cared about.

What I do know for sure is that I do withhold a lot of things from him for instance that I am reading this book and how much it hurts because it feels so close to home. I don't want to talk about anything deep because I just want to keep him at a distance. But yea for me...........at least I told him that much already. Maybe I will make it.

[jexa]

Oh Kacey. It is so so so awful. It is. It is just sooo awful, to imagine, who we've become, who we would be if it weren't for.. There is a pain in childhood trauma that is sooo deep down. It feels like a dangerous well. Like it is a pit and if you peer into that pit you will surely fall into it and never return.

I agree with your T that your writing is beautiful, Kacey. I can feel your pain all the way over here from the other side of that computer screen. I can feel your millions of tears and the punch to your gut that comes from those words -- forms and deforms the personality. I can just feel how those words affected you, like a punch to the gut but so much worse. And it is soooo not fair that the reason you are struggling is someone ELSE'S fault! Someone ELSE made things split into a thousand pieces, someone ELSE did this to you, and all your life, you've felt like it was YOUR fault, that something was wrong with YOU, and that's what they tell you, too, over and over, it's the message coming from everywhere in today's culture. All the shame and blame belongs to someone ELSE, not you! But then, knowing that is sometimes so much harder than thinking it really is all your fault -- how sad it is to think things could have been DIFFERENT.

I think you made the perfect step in the right direction by being brave enough to call your T and read this to him. I can see that you have such a strong drive to heal, even if you do meet roadblocks like being resistant to the T relationship, and being resistant to working on trauma. I think what you did by reading this to T was showing him exactly where the roadblock is. THAT is all you needed to do. You already are doing the work -- I think you should go easy on yourself now, it's okay to withhold some info from T if you're not ready to go there yet. Just keep showing up and showing your T with as much honesty as possible what comes up for you and using your coping skills when things get overwhelming.. the rest is T's job, it's his job to make this into a healing relationship, it's his job to work out the counterbalance between the pain and the joy of the relationship, it's his job to ease you into the work you need to do.

I have faith that your drive to heal will lead you in the right directions, without you needing to beat yourself up about what you do and don't tell your T. Just your presence on these forums and the way you've been so brave in showing T this post gives me a lot of hope for you, KC.

Soooooo many hugs.

[madisgram]

very interesting post. thanks! when you mentioned feeling emotionless/numb i thought of myself when something gets down deep inside of me and it's almost overwhelming. so i shut down. could this perhaps be what you did?idk.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by jexa

Oh Kacey. It is so so so awful. It is. It is just sooo awful, to imagine, who we've become, who we would be if it weren't for.. There is a pain in childhood trauma that is sooo deep down. It feels like a dangerous well. Like it is a pit and if you peer into that pit you will surely fall into it and never return.

I have faith that your drive to heal will lead you in the right directions, without you needing to beat yourself up about what you do and don't tell your T. Just your presence on these forums and the way you've been so brave in showing T this post gives me a lot of hope for you, KC.

Soooooo many hugs.

Jexa your post meant so much to me. Thank you. I never know if I am sharing too much here. I just so desperately want to succeed in this. I am pretty certain that I am not the only one who equates not succeeding in therapy to not succeeding in life. Let me be a little more clear, If I can't handle a t relationship with someone who is specifically trained to work with me than how can I relate to others in my life successfully? I have certainly come a long way in trying to challange my self and continue to do the work I need to do. I most definately attribute my growthspurt to those of you here on PC that have been supporting me. THANK YOU all from the bottom of my .

[jexa]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Jexa your post meant so much to me. Thank you. I never know if I am sharing too much here. I just so desperately want to succeed in this. I am pretty certain that I am not the only one who equates not succeeding in therapy to not succeeding in life. Let me be a little more clear, If I can't handle a t relationship with someone who is specifically trained to work with me than how can I relate to others in my life successfully? I have certainly come a long way in trying to challange my self and continue to do the work I need to do. I most definately attribute my growthspurt to those of you here on PC that have been supporting me. THANK YOU all from the bottom of my .

I don't think there is such a thing as sharing too much here. This is the place where people are willing to have these sorts of vulnerable conversations with each other. I know what you mean about not succeeding in therapy feeling that way.

T relationships are hard for ANYone, Kacey, because they are really different from normal relationships -- the relationship is fully focused on you, it creates all kinds of big and painful feelings, you can only see the T for so much time each week when in normal human interactions when you get close to someone you might want to spend a whole lot of time with the person, there can be a lot of weird feelings about the exchange of money, there can be a lot of weird feelings about sharing such intimate information with someone without that person reciprocating and sharing themselves..

It makes SENSE that the pain of the therapeutic relationship is hard, Kacey! And you ARE working on it.

Navigating this relationship with all of its pain will PREPARE you for the difficult work of everyday relationships. In fact, I think the fact that the therapeutic relationship is so full of these odd kinds of issues is actually helpful because it's a great learning tool for navigating issues that pop up in other relationships. It's not like, "I can't screw this up or I'll never succeed in relationships." It's more like, "If I screw up in this relationship, it's good practice so I can handle screwups in other relationships.

I tell my best friend everything, including therapy stuff. I told her before that I get weird in therapy, obsessive and just.. odd, but that if I wasn't in therapy, I'd be doing it to people in my life. And she said, "Probably the best person to show that side of yourself is your therapist." And I was like, oh yeah. Because a T is safe, I can show my true colors and it's okay.

Hope this helps..

[skeksi]

Kacey, I'm with you, I adore Judith Herman's book. Reading it helped me breathe a huge sigh of relief: everything T had told me was true, supported by research, other people went through it. I wasn't defective, I was traumatized.

I also well understand the difficulty and pain of being in the T relationship. It is scary and hard. But there are glimpses of pure peace when I am understood and seen completely.