unsure but obligated

this post could go in several different forums but, i think due to the entire picture, best fits here.

most of you know that my father passed in May. he was buried on what would have been his 65th birthday...May 18th. you also know that i'd not seen him for 14 yrs prior to just months before he died. i'd only seen him probably 5 times since i was 18. he was doing his own thing... prior to that was well, hell, he was just a part of that though.

anyhow, in those months just before his surgery until his death, we recaptured so much. it was sadly beautiful. however, there was much still unsettled. it left me feeling like i'd always yearned for my father...from the day i was born...now i'll always be waiting.

anyhow, it was just me and dad...that was it. the brothers refused to go to him. it was all on me. i couldn't let him die alone...i couldn't. i have NO confusion that i did the right thing for both of us there. he had an impressive military burial as he was a twenty yr marine. they marine corps honor guard flew men in to honor him properly. he would've been so proud.

as a result, i was flooded with memories and feelings added to what i was already feeling. i sank into a pretty serious depressive/ptsd episode. i'm coming around pretty well on that. it came to a head when i realized that the message he sent me a week before his death saying to call him and that he loved me (i could listen to anytime that i wanted) was gone...just gone. that brings us current.

i need to go to KY and make sure that his marker is in place and settle a couple of things there. my husband has asked me to wait another month as i'm just now coming around a bit. however, i feel a sense of urgency about this. i have to admit, i'm in no hurry to risk going back to where i'm coming from.

just thinking about it is bringing so much to me...memories, thoughts, feelings, emotion. i don't know what to do or when to do it. i would like to go and get it done, then again possibly i should allow myself more time to heal? ugh.

thanks for listening.

kd

((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))))

Wow.....You've been through so much lately. Just be gentle and listen to why you want to go fast or go slow. Take care of yourself.

((((((((((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry your feeling so overwhelmed with all these feelings right now.

I think that being there for your father in the end was a good thing. You were able to share something special between the two of you that you will forever cherish.

I know that you have been having a hard time with this and I am wondering if your husband isnt right, maybe you should wait a while. I think maybe your feeling this sense of urgency because your wanting to be close to your father, even just to make sure that the final arrangments were taken care of. I just dont want you to push yourself and end up feeling overwhelmed. Just take things slow. Have you talked with your T about this sense of urgency your feeling?

I just want you to take care of you. Dont push yourself to hard. Your hubby may be right, needing to take more time may not be such a bad thing.

Thinking of you.

Huggles

thank you ((((((((((ev))))))))))) ((((((((((((jen)))))))))))

i don't think i have built back up the necessary resources to risk being flooded again.

i think i have to acknowledge what i want, but heed what i might NEED right now a little more. it can be put off, but doing so causes a type of additional grief. however, i have to know my limitations right now.

i will discuss this with t. he might help me to make that line even more clear right now, so that i can feel ok about doing what i need to do.

thank you again!

kd

Kimmy,

I totally understand. I think your wise knowing yourself so well. Talking to your T is a great idea. Please keep us posted. OK?

Huggles

{{{{{{ kd }}}}}}}}}

I think giving it some more time is a good idea as well.

Take good care of yourself.

will do, miss jen.

thank you again,

kd

thank you so much ((((((((((((((((gem)))))))))))))))))

i'm trying to do what's good for me (and everyone) as opposed to jumping in and not considering what might result when it comes to "family". i tend to neglect myself in those cases.

thank you again!

kd

Hope you find peace with whichever you decide is best for you. (((((((((((((KimmyDawn))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((jax))))))))))))))))) thank you so much!

be safe,

KimmyDawn,
I can bet all of this decision making you are trying to go through is draining. And, you are just coming out of a deepness that should you move to quickly could wind you right back up into the much and mire.
All I can offer you is that I will be keeping peaceful thoughts headed your way.
Maybe there is someone who could go to KY for you and look @ the marker? Maybe you could go with your best friend?
I don't know what would be best...I just know I want you to take care of you!
(((KD)))

((((((((((((((((((sj)))))))))))))))))) you're right, and good suggestion!

hubby said we should wait and month then go down on a saturday and do dinner...just us two.

he can be such a sweetie when he wants to be. almost 19 yrs and he still likes me!

Kimmy,
I remember your posting about mindfullness and DBT- and your reflecting on whats right for you to do now just struck me as a very broad if unconscious application of the mindfullness you were starting to practice. I think just a moment or beat that separates us from urgent feeling and quick response is a huge HUGE moment and gain. . . I've been getting my self a little better at this kind of slowing down the behavior after the thought long enough to think. Sounds good. And encouraging.

(((((((((((((((((((((nevada))))))))))))))))))))))))

i needed that so much. thank you.

you know, it has me as well and i thank you for reminding me of that. i've come so far. i first had to see how those actions weren't helping to do something about it. thank you for that reaffirmation.

i'm so happy for you. it's good to hear that you're doing better.

you are very cared for and appreciated.

kd

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
unsure but obligated

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i think you are "obligated" only to you, hubby, and kids. the other stuff will work itself out eventually.

that's true, jennie. i mean that sense of urgency might be a realistic sense if he were still here and in need.

thank you (((((((((((((jennie))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said: i mean that sense of urgency might be a realistic sense if he were still here and in need.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

of course, matters of the heart aren't something easy to ignore

((((((((((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))))))))))) It soundsl ike you made a wise decision for both your father and yourself prior to his death. Apparently it was a healing process that you went through. Now may be the time to take care of you. You made arrangements to take care of your father and you may want to step back until you are ready to continue on. I agree it is a good suggestion to discuss this with your therapist as it helps sort out through all the emotions that are entangled in such a decision. Please take care and I am sure whatever you do will be the best for you. Be safe.

thank you so much, everyone. i have decided to wait another month to head down that way. i need to allow for more strength in my healing.

i will be talking with t about it as well.

thank you so much, again.