My Mother Who Abused Me Just Called: I Need Hugs!

I never talk to my brothers, but last week I needed some validation about my abuse so I called my youngest brother. He did tell me he remember how badly I was abused, so that helped me. The conversation didn't go well at all after that. He eventually asked if I hated our mom and I said that I did hate her. He got really angry at me and said that I needed to get over it and stop holding a grudge against her for something that happened 40 years ago. I said, "I'm not 40, I'm 37!" I don't know why that was my response to him. I was just very shocked and hurt and didn't know what else to say. He told me that he had sat down with her some time ago and told her that she was the worst mother on the planet to us. He was partially raised by my aunt. Neither of my brothers were sexually abused, but they definitely were emotionally abused and physically abused by our mom. She would punch my brother in the face with her fist. She would have him up against a wall by his shirt with his feet dangling. It was horrifying to see her angry.

She just called and left a voice message that my brother had told her what I said last week. She said that she was still my mom and that no matter what I say she has always apologized. Whaaat?!?!? Is she serious? She's never once apologized to me. Then, she said she loved me and that maybe one day I'll be able to love her back. Excuse me, that will never happen. This is a woman who abused me and allowed 100s of men to rape me and now I'm just supposed to say, "Awww, she apologized, just let me get over this." I have a virus and physical damage from being raped and now I'm just supposed to let her off the hook because of some lame apology she mustered up to cover her guilt ridden @$$? I'm sorry, I'm really angry.

I am so, so hurt, right now. I have therapy at 2 o'clock tomorrow and I can't wait to see my T's face. She's a place of refuge for me right now and seeing her face and hearing her voice will help me a lot. She gives the best hugs and I so need one, right now. Thank God I see her twice a week. Thursday's session was extremely hard and I know tomorrow will be even harder. But, my Super T is so gentle and gets me through it very well. Can you tell I adore her?

I have my hot glue gun and my woodburner tool plugged in because I was working on some craft projects and all I want to do is slice through my leg with the woodburner. I'm that upset. I used to SI by cutting and haven't done it in years and years. Lately, the urges have come back really strongly and this voice message from her has made it worse.

I'm so sorry to bother you guys, but I'll take all the hugs and love that you can send my way. Please tell me I'm okay and that I'm not a monster.

((((peridot))))

Here are many hugs to you and loving thoughts. You are not a monster or bad or anything. Your feelings are your feelings and you matter. I am sorry that your brother got angry at you. Telling someone to "Get Over It" is not right. What happened to you takes time to work through and you have every right to feel the way you feel.

I do hear you and care. I know for myself I do not have a mother or parents for that matter. What your mother did was wrong and I validate how you feel. I am glad that you will see your t tomorrow and that she is a place of refuge. You deserve to feel safe and that she listens to you. And I am glad that she gives the best hugs. You deserve to have that.

Please breath and know that you are okay and that how you feel is okay. I hope you will not hurt yourself as you are already hurting enough. You do not deserve to hurt anymore. Give yourself permission to be okay with how you feel and know that it is okay.

Do know that you are cared about and that we are here to listen and support you. Thank you for posting and reaching out. Please keep reaching and posting as you can. Sending many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Lots of hugs...

You are so brave for sharing.

One of the horrors of all this is dealing with those that have perpetuated or enabled our traumas. You have a right to each and every one of your feelings and no one can or should tell you that you can't.

That isn't a license to do things that are hurtful to yourself, but more of a recognition that you've got every right to your own emotional space and that if others in your life want to change the past, or make it as though it never happened, that is their choice, but it doesn't need to be yours.

Big hug, in this place, you are free to be your own and we love you because of that.

peridot -

my heart goes out to you.

take care.

I think it would help if you were to empower yourself right now to remind yourself that you are grown and in charge now. If it were me, I would change my number. Maybe you should get caller ID and unplug your machine. These things are what grownups can do.

One more thing...how about a restraining order? That might make you feel empowered.

So he has the right to speak badly about her but you don't? He has a lot of problems.

I hope that you didn't hurt yourself.

I'm so glad that you have a good T and that you see her today.

You think that you are a monster because you are angry? You have every right to be angry. You are not a monster. And you aren't bothering us at all!

oof. lots of hugs to you..

Thanks so much for all the hugs and your love, you guys. I didn't hurt myself and I'm thankful I was strong enough not to do it. I'm sitting in the waiting room at my therapist's office, so I'm in a good place. You guys rock so much.

was gonna leave a hug here but then wanted to say something. ohhh i understand that anger. when it's just not fair that we don't get heard or have our feelings validated by the very person(s) that abused us, it really pis*** me off.

your abuser who actually did all that stuff is the one in the most denial. and to have your brother do that too, when he was also a target for her wrath, makes absolutely no sense. my bro**** was/is one of my abusers (not physically) and i've chosen to completely back off, not allow any phone calls, or any contact at all because he just doesn't "get it" and i refuse to waste any of my precious time on him anymore.

but hon, these people never will "get it". that would mean they'd have to admit they did something aggregiously wrong and they will go to hell and back before they ever admit any culpability in such a heinous crime.

i am so proud of you for not hurting yourself. you are a winner through and through and you are totally in the right in wanting to have nothing to do with her. in a world where true justice rules, those people would be serving the rest of their lives behind bars. but we don't live in a perfect world, but know this...some day hon, some day, they will be held accountable.

i'm sorry for being so outspoken, but your post really struck a nerve in me. bless you and please continue to claim your life for YOU.

many hugs coming your way