[Amoslass]

I still don't know. It hurt so much and I started self-harming not long afterwards but still....

When I was 13 there was this boy in my year at high-school. I'll call him...Maggot. For a year and a half Maggot and his filthy little side-kick, lat's call him Snivel, spent all their time doing their best to hurt and humiliate me.

I remember the very first time they teased me. I walked into French class and they both had all this white goop all over their hands - Maggot and Snivel leered at me and asked me what I thouht it was - insinuating it was semen. I think it was just glue...well..I hope it was.

They taunted me every day from then on - I was a good target - skinny, flat-chested, wearing glasses and second-hand clothes, quiet and a nerd who wrote poetry.

Snivel never laid a hand on me, he was just there to back up Maggot. One day in the school canteen Maggot starts yelling out in front of hundreds of kids, "Hey, there she is! Hey baby, what did you think of last night when I butt-f***ed you!" I ran crying to the girls toilets.
He hadn't done any such thing but still. So he had started spreading lies about me.

And then he started trying to be around me all the time, sitting on my lap at lunch asking if I could feel how hard he was (you know what I mean). He also did this every Thursday when I was forced to catch his school bus to piano-lessons. He would get out at my stop and stalk me to my teacher's house, yelling obscenities and threatening to rape me.

This continued for a full year and a half - during which time I retreated into myself, not letting anyone touch me or come near me, being quiet and trying to be invisible. I'd hide in the library or the girls toilets, but he'd always find me.

Then I grew brave and went to the school counsellor - she told me to write everything that happened down. I did. Somehow the paper I wrote it down on got mislaid and ended up in the corridor for anyone to read. I had heard the counsellor was an idiot and now I knew it - how could she lose such a private thing???

I got called out of class one day to see the Principal. He'd found the paper, he'd read it. He knew.

Maggot was put on detention and suspended from school for a week. He left school when we were 16. Unfortunately his sidekick Snivel stayed on to complete high school like me, and to continue teasing me. Nothing like Maggot but still....

I had been depressed before these two came along, bt afterwards....I felt so dirty, so stupid, so ugly and wrong.

I managed to avoid them until one day when I was 19, my GF dragged me into a local pub one night and Maggot and Snivel were there. She struck up a conversation with them and they invited us back to their place for some reason. Probably to smoke pot, I've blanked it out.
I refused to go but my GF dragged me along. She was going to go whether I did or not. So I went. And I cried all the time I was there. ANd I think one of them apologised or something and said it was all harmless fun back in high school.

Was it? I'm not laughing.

I know there was no actual sex, I know most of it was words and groping hands but....it still scarred me for life. Was this sexual abuse?

[Rapunzel]

That sounds like very extreme sexual harassment. What they did to you was not harmless fun. It harmed you. It was not ok. Adults can make a good case for "hostile work environment" on much less than what was done to you. It isn't ok for adults to be treated like that, and even less ok for kids, even when the perpetrators are kids also.

[Amoslass]

If I knew then what I know now, I guess I could have done more. Actually the teachers should have done more. Suspended from school for a week??? That's nothing to a life-time of pain. I don't know what else could have been done, back then the school didn't have a very good anti-harrassment policy and there were very little resources to help us. There were a lot of messed-up kids at our school but it was so under-funded it couldn't do much at all.

[cautious hope]

yes it was def abuse. What's more he likely grew up to be a stalker. DONT EVER let ANYBODY drag you anywhere you don't want to go. What your friend did was dangerous. There first time you say no, you will feel better. Also, you need better friends.

[Amoslass]

I'd definitely say no these days. I was extremely suggestable, naive and possibly drunk back then, and my GF forced me into a lot of horrible situations.

I forgot to mention someone invited his brother to a trivia night a year ago - I freaked out at the thought of meeting his brother!!! But, turns out this one is alright and can't stand "Maggot" at all. They don't speak apparently, and he is still a loser. So yeah, that kind of made me feel good.

[Sannah]

Amos, you were bullied. Bullies bully those who are vulnerable and you say that you were vulnerable. This definitely needs to be worked through in therapy so that you can move beyond it.

I love your avatar. Did you make it?

[Tatyana2009]

Hello. What you describe os systematic bullying and harrassment. The emotional and psychological abuse that you sufferred for over a year is tragic. Also - any threats that they will do something physical is physical abuse. I m sorry u were mistreated in this way.

It must be very hard to overcome this. I can imagine feeling paranoid and helpless. You must remember that these feelings were not without s reason.

I hope u find strength and can move beyond this. This sort of bullying and disrespect can leave scars so do not under estimate your experience and its impact. Its ok to feel what u feel and to be who u r.

Remember not all men are like this. I wish you peace of mind x

[lynn P.]

I agree this was severe bullying and sexual harassment. I'm sorry this happened to you. Once kids reach grade 6 there's more sexual bullying. I thank God I have very strong girls. My oldest is 13 and she's had a few sexual comments like "nice butt" etc and she nips it in the bud. She's also a black belt in karate and they all know not to push her lol. I understand many aren't lucky to have a strong sense of self. What they did and said was extremely crude. I too hope you can get through this (((Amoslass))).

http://psychcentral.com/search/?Matc...buse&x=36&y=13

[Tatyana2009]

Just want to add - u r very strong and please do not blame yourself. None of this is your fault and when adults are not there to support us its very hard to cope and stand up to these bullies.

Your sense of self is growing i think from reading your post and that is wonderful.

I am glad you wrote on here. It opens ppl minds and heart to a very painful subject in our society. Once again - the adults carry the responsibility i think. Those that were not there to ptotect you. To keep u safe and to stop this.

[Amoslass]

It is just sad thast back when I was at school, we're talking the early 90's, we STILL didn't have a stong system in place to counteract bullying and abuse. I am so glad that girls are learning how to be strong these days and not take anything from anyone that hurts them. I think bullies are also very good at picking out the weaker kids straight away - that's who I was.

But if only I had been taught not to feel guilty for someone else hurting me -I would have been able to stop it before it got out of control.

My friends had no idea this was all happening - I kept it to myself. But they were utterly shocked it had happened when they found out a few years back.

I was bullied constantly through high school by other kids - mostly girls. Girls can be brutal. Oh, and some kid who tried to burn my house down but failed. I could stand up to him for some reason - maybe because I valued my family's saftey more than my own.

Let's make all our girls strong, huh?

[krisakira]

i believe 100% that what Maggot did to you was sexual assault. It goes beyond just harassment. Sitting on your lap with a boner, threatening to rape you. I am so sorry he did all that to you. I hope that you can continue to heal from this by talking about it and realizing it was not your fault at all, and that what he did was serious, and whatever you feel about it is completely legit.

[krisakira]

Also, I was bullied a whole lot in middle school, so if you ever want to talk about it i am here.

[Amoslass]

Thankyou so much, this realy helps me feel better. I always thought I was over it but....I think these things stay with you for life.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Amoslass

But if only I had been taught not to feel guilty for someone else hurting me -I would have been able to stop it before it got out of control.

Let's make all our girls strong, huh?

Originally Posted by Amoslass

I always thought I was over it but....I think these things stay with you for life.

You can still work through this in therapy, release the feelings and build yourself stronger.