[darkpurplesecrets]

TRIGGER....TRIGGER....TRIGGER....

This feeling of floating is near almost as if I am reaching down once again to push the keys, a feeling of floating above myself like I am disappearing. I feel shut down and afraid. My thoughts seem to be somewhere long away and I am feeling panic again. Unsure of what all this may say or if it even will make sense. I am afraid to post yet needing to reach out.......

Last night memories kept filling me of the endless nights of torture and hurting became more than just a memory. Sometimes when I feel so lost and it feels as though the hands of time come back and strangle me a feeling comes over me that screams out and I hear the words once again that used to haunt me nightly. Screaming out becomes real and this need to somehow make it stop.

Hearing once again the voices of those that hurt us everywhere within seeming to somehow take over. One man’s voice very distinct filling my head and I begin to once again feel dizzy as if the room is turning and I am once again back within the grips of time and nothing stops it. The constant voice fills my head until we do something. Endless tears stream across my face and the words fill me.

With every minute that passes it gets louder and this feeling of needing to hurt rises. It could fill the dead if they knew. Nothing seems to stop it not even cleaning until I am so exhausted. Lying back down spinning non-stop and feeling his hands ripping through this little girls body as if it is part of him, feeling myself somehow sinking away yet I am there. The night seems to go on forever as the hands on the clock go around non-stop.

The silent screams that fill me seem to permeate the room yet it is silent except my head and the shadows begin to come across the walls that surround me. I feel myself floating upwards and it is as if I am no longer here yet watching from above myself at what is taking place. I am so afraid and cannot turn it off or turn away.

The fear is so real and it is a constant. The feelings of those nights and what it meant fill me even though it is years later. Nothing can take away what was happening and talking cannot erase the pain and scars it has left. How does one keep going as the memories seem so real and as if they are happening right now? Turning off that switch seems impossible especially when it is right there.

Part of me tries but so much of myself, and those within are right there and it feels as though he is right here breathing once again where I cannot tell mine from his. They seem to inter-mix as though I am not myself, or any part of me. Those within remembering and giving to me those things that I left. Me, feeling so afraid pulling away once again.

He said he loved me that I was special. Noooo. Nothing felt like love for it hurt and left terror filling me, and those within, but also every part of that place where little girls were never safe. My heart feels as though it is ripping out of my chest and breathing feels as though it takes all I can do when I really just want to stop and slip away to no where. Tears fill my eyes as I try so hard to escape myself, trying to feel anything but terror.

What happens when a heart turns upon itself? Where do you go when nothing seems to change and they come back? Silent screams tear me apart within, and yet without is a mask of anything but what is taking place. I feel as though my body is on fire burning and aching as it did back then. How does one explain what is unexplainable? How does one understand when nothing makes sense?

Sometimes I want to scream to the world that I am not as strong as you think. I want to rip off the mask that is getting heavier each day. When you paint on coat after coat to keep yourself strong yet none of the coats dry before it is time to paint on another coat to face the world again. Hiding the tears and red eyes that cannot sleep behind make-up just to hold up so that no one knows how much you hurt. Often times slipping away in silence so no one sees, and no one can detect anything.

The thought of monsters under the bed in children’s stories bring a whole new light to our world. For the monsters still live on under the bed and there is no way to get them out. The monsters still find ways to invade and take you unaware. These monsters make no known noise but to us they fill our life and memories constantly. Maybe no one sees these monsters but they are there and they are real.

Trying to face these is something that is so hard and at times they suffocate me. Out of nowhere they can rise and with no warning except this fear that screams throughout all those within and myself. Sometimes talking does not help or stop them, as they are bigger than anyone knows. Many times they still leave their ugly mark through body memories that seem to appear out of nowhere leaving you unable to explain to anyone what happened. Sometimes they are real from continued appearing within the night when no one else knows.

So many times I am not even aware as someone else steps out and myself too afraid to stay or unable to be. And those monsters no longer stay in the stories that used to be but live on throughout unspeakable terror and pain. Terror and pain that there are no words for and they made sure of that. Monsters that feel nothing yet fill us over and over again. Somewhere inside myself is a fear of even writing this, of even trying.

There feels as though there is a poison that runs through my veins that could kill if I ever stopped for too long. Maybe that is why my mind runs constant. Trying hard to get it out somehow but it seems there is too much and it somehow grows, off branching here and there but never running out. It burns and invades without warning and every once in a while fills a spot and seeps out.

This week is hard and it holds more than anyone knows. Sometimes I wish I were never born…………………especially now............

dps

I am glad you are born. You are a light to the world. You are a treasure and precious. I know it's very difficult, but the world would be much darker without you.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much though. I am so so sorry.

[MoAnamCara]

you brought me to tears.

i, too, am sincerely sorry.

[suzzie]

(((( dps ))))

[invisigirl]

love and gentle hugs to you.. ((((dps))))
you are so precious to us...

[complic8d]

((((((dps))))))

[avoice]

We are alike more that you can amagime It's like reading my past. So Sorry dps I so happt your here you will find peace you'll see.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you all for your support and kind words. Right now I hurt more than I can say. Words cannot tell what my heart feels. Within is chaotic and I feel alone. Even though last week is over it still does not change what has happened or how I feel. Sometimes strong is not strong enough and when I am here alone with those within, that is when it hurts the most and we do not have to be so strong anymore.

Physical pain and mental pain seems to be mixing altogether right now.

dps

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

you have been such a help and supporter,i wish i could take ur pain from you,i wish i had the skills to help..i understand ur pain and empathsize/sympathsize...please know i care and you r always in my thoughts and prayers..you deserve peace and happiness...((((((hugs))))))) dps..and know how truly special you are

[Petunia111]

I wish I was never born. No one understands me at all. I am totally alone.

[googley]

(((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))

Seeing you brings a smile to my face. I am so glad you are around. I know that you bring light to the lives of so many people.

[MoAnamCara]

warm thoughts to you.

[Maria38Divine]

I understand your pain and I say it with all sincerity. Last week was really rough for me too and yesterday was my absolutely lowest point for the week, ending in tears and hopelessness. But Friend, refuse to give up. Decide each morning to keep going. In your own way you have encouraged me to speak up. I'm glad you were born.

[notablackbarbie]

(((((darkpurplesecrets)))))
(((EVERYONE)))
...i am TRULY sorry you are in so much dizzying pain and nausea right now. Please try to take it 1 day/hour/moment at a time. You are not alone. Here is another warm and safe

[richyy68]

i know how you fel i was the same way i used to think of ending it all one day then i had a wake up call one night my brother was in a wheelchair and wasnt happy being it and one day at the arts and crafts in warwick he decided to have his friend give him a bottle of pills and a 5th of jack daniels and i passed by him at 6pm and he was not looking good then and i got the call at 12am that he was dead so the only thing i wanna say think about the ones still alive will be hurting the most when your gone i know because i still am hurting because the loss of my brother