[Distressed2010]

Hello,

As I uncover layers and layers off of why I'm feeling so depressed, I realized today that after I confronted my sexual abuser of 7 years, and he denied (which didn't really bother me) but the abusive texts bothered me.
He called me a failure in life, a loser.

That really hurt me. I'm in my late 20s and I feel like crap. I finished grad school 6 months ago, did terribly with grades because while studying all i could think of was my past, don't want a job in the industry i pursued, don't have a bf/husband-suck at relationships, don't have friends, don't have much family except my mom and that also maybe 1/4th, can't share everything with her she gets emotionally stressed and pounces on me, and then i get more emotionally stressed rather than relieved. she can't support me emotionally much.

I'm changing careers and following my dream, but now I don't even feel like doing that. I am too exhausted to do anything.

And I blame the SA for a chunk of this, and then HOW DARE HE CALL ME A FAILURE! that mother****er raped me and KNOWS he caused all this, and says these things back into my face.

I was so depressed yesterday, I had suicidal thoughts, please don't tell me to go get a therapist, i can't. I'm not in US and doctors laugh in my face when I tell them I'm depressed because I'm so young and i just finished my masters and oooh! that' can't be possible that i'm depressed, its probably just a motion i'm going through. um not really.

I try very hard to keep myself upbeat, but I'm exhausted from doing that too. For me to keep myself optimistic, I have to sit online and read articles on optimism for hours and hours and then maybe for like half a day, i'll feel good. but then I'm back down in the dumps.

I'm waiting to move to another city but now I'm just so scared, scared that I'll be alone (i've lived alone for 10 years now) but I'm scared that the same thing will happen, I'll have an emotional breakdown, and i'll cry every night to sleep.

Please help!! Please tell me how do i deal with that abusive text thats stuck to my head now. I do feel like a loser when I look around at my peers and how everyone has jobs, are buying condos, and I'm still struggling, emotionally, financially, relationship wise, and every way possible.

[yellowted]

he is saying you are a failure to ease his concious, he knows he is responsible but transferring blame takes the guilt away from him. you are by no means a failure, you are a survivor! have you saved the text? maybe you could show it to the authorities, do the bxxd for harassement, offensive texts are not only a form of harassement but also a form of abuse in their own right.
if he is so into texting, use it for your benefit,save all his texts, hey even ask by text why he abused you, if he has not already been charged you may be able to gain evidence to aid your case against him. whats good for the goose is good for the gander!
moving city will be hard at first, you will feel lonely, but with a little effort you will feel much better, try to get involved in some groups, get into a routine so you are in the same place at the same time each week e,g swimming pool, library etc, you will be suprised soon people will start saying hello to you. invest in a personal alarm, this will help you feel safer when out, a small tin of antipersperant in your pocket is classed as harmless but is invaluble if you are attacked, it dries eyes aswell as sweat if you get my meaning!
good luck xx

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by yellowted

he is saying you are a failure to ease his concious, he knows he is responsible but transferring blame takes the guilt away from him. you are by no means a failure, you are a survivor! have you saved the text? maybe you could show it to the authorities, do the bxxd for harassement, offensive texts are not only a form of harassement but also a form of abuse in their own right.
if he is so into texting, use it for your benefit,save all his texts, hey even ask by text why he abused you, if he has not already been charged you may be able to gain evidence to aid your case against him. whats good for the goose is good for the gander!
moving city will be hard at first, you will feel lonely, but with a little effort you will feel much better, try to get involved in some groups, get into a routine so you are in the same place at the same time each week e,g swimming pool, library etc, you will be suprised soon people will start saying hello to you. invest in a personal alarm, this will help you feel safer when out, a small tin of antipersperant in your pocket is classed as harmless but is invaluble if you are attacked, it dries eyes aswell as sweat if you get my meaning!
good luck xx

The thing is, he denied it, and actually kept telling me I was an adult, but I wasn't! He also told my entire family, me and him had an "affair" and the sexual stuff occurred much later after I turned 18. But in actuality it was all before the age of 17. started at age 11.

So, in his mind, he's pretending to abuse me for lying about him and i"m jealous of his success (he said this), because I'm a loser and failure so I'm jealous of him. That's what he's pushing onto me and telling everyone else... and now says he's going to go around my entire extended family and tell everyoen we had an affair, I didn't tell my extended family i was molested and neither do i want to ever tell them, its not their place.

[invisigirl]

try hard to shift your focus. find something to engross yourself in - a project, a hobby. even focusing on being optimistic in itself will remind you that that is not how you feel and then you'll think of why you don't feel that way. it's not going to help to read about optimism.

yellowted had some good ideas as far as getting into a routine of sorts so you have something to go out and do regularly and may have the opportunity to make friends who have similar interests. perhaps you could volunteer somewhere, or get into a sport you enjoy, or take up a hobby or craft of some sort. doing these things will help shift your focus away from him and onto something more positive in your life.

I had to do this myself a couple years back. I joined a writing group, I have gotten back into swimming, I have started drawing and painting again, I've looked into auditioning with local theaters (but haven't because of transportation problems). doing things you love to do can not only be fun rewarding but can also help you develop relationships with others who have common interests and improve your outlook on life. it won't happen over night, but it can help a lot if you stick with it.

some of my friends from my writing group have become my biggest support people over the past couple years. and my writing has given me another way to process things and express things that I have trouble talking about.

exercise is the most effective anti-depressant there is. it works better than drugs and many people who find drugs ineffective, are recommended to try regular exercise. but it is something that you have to really stick to and do often. I try to get out and swim any time I can (preferably 3x a week) and on days I don't swim, I go for a run in the neighborhood. my husband is a cyclist and rides his bike everywhere whenever he can - he also enjoys playing soccer and tries to do that a couple times a week.

[yellowted]

your age does not matter, under 18 its called being abused, over 18 it is called being raped, call it what you like both are wrong, hey even if you did have an affair it does not give him the right to take sex from you without your full consent, even marriage does not give a man that right!
of course he denies abusing you, he has had to for so many years he probably does not know what is the truth anymore. the fact is he is still upsetting you and that is wrong, like i said above keep any texts he sends you, use them to prove what he is still doing to you, it is the only way to stop bxxxds like that.

[invisigirl]

Originally Posted by yellowted

of course he denies abusing you, he has had to for so many years he probably does not know what is the truth anymore.

this reminded me of something said in church this morning - pride affects our memory. the example was:

memory says: I did this.
pride says: I did not do this.
given time, pride will always win over memory and we will convince ourselves (out of pride) that we did not do things that we are ashamed of.

I see this working on both sides of abuse. the victims convince themselves that it did not happen or that maybe it wasn't real or was a dream (at least for a time until they are mature enough to deal with it and process it), and perpetrators seem to truly believe that they didn't do anything wrong. their own memories - whether they have that internal struggle between knowing what they did and denying it or actually having themselves convinced they're innocent - seem jaded by their own pride and they are less and less willing to admit fault as time goes on.

just a thought/observation.

[Sannah]

Distressed, he is the lowest of human beings, just the lowest. His words hurt, however, because you already believed a bit that you are a failure. Distressed, you are not a failure. You HAVE a masters degree. Anyone would be struggling like you are if they had experienced what you have been through. You are being totally normal. You can move forward eventually and do what you want to do because you do have it in you.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

try hard to shift your focus. find something to engross yourself in - a project, a hobby. even focusing on being optimistic in itself will remind you that that is not how you feel and then you'll think of why you don't feel that way. it's not going to help to read about optimism.

yellowted had some good ideas as far as getting into a routine of sorts so you have something to go out and do regularly and may have the opportunity to make friends who have similar interests. perhaps you could volunteer somewhere, or get into a sport you enjoy, or take up a hobby or craft of some sort. doing these things will help shift your focus away from him and onto something more positive in your life.

I had to do this myself a couple years back. I joined a writing group, I have gotten back into swimming, I have started drawing and painting again, I've looked into auditioning with local theaters (but haven't because of transportation problems). doing things you love to do can not only be fun rewarding but can also help you develop relationships with others who have common interests and improve your outlook on life. it won't happen over night, but it can help a lot if you stick with it.

some of my friends from my writing group have become my biggest support people over the past couple years. and my writing has given me another way to process things and express things that I have trouble talking about.

exercise is the most effective anti-depressant there is. it works better than drugs and many people who find drugs ineffective, are recommended to try regular exercise. but it is something that you have to really stick to and do often. I try to get out and swim any time I can (preferably 3x a week) and on days I don't swim, I go for a run in the neighborhood. my husband is a cyclist and rides his bike everywhere whenever he can - he also enjoys playing soccer and tries to do that a couple times a week.

Hi Invisigirl,

First of all, thanks for the friend request and giving me all sorts of ideas!

I did research the exercise as an anti-depressant thing but it seemed the experiment was lacking a lot of things. I also used to exercise(do cardio for 2 hours) daily for 2 years during the time when I was a teenager but it didn't lift my depression

ALso, a year ago, I'd broken up with someone, and it wasn't a long relationship but it was just someone i fell for right away and that was the toughest ever, and probably because I'd already been depressed. I put it all into my workouts but then I still felt very alone and lonely and empty on the inside.

Usually I'll get really engrossed into an activity, like painting or working out and it takes me about a week to get regular and then 3 more weeks to lose interest and I'm back at where I was. Not sure if its depression or I just have a low tolerance for interest? or something else is lacking in my life?

But thankyou, I do appreciate you giving me lots of examples and ideas!

[invisigirl]

I can relate to a lot of that. It actually took me years before I finally found some sort of exercise routine that actually makes a difference for me. But no, it will not help how you feel about certain situations, however it can help you be a little more functional and feel a little less stuck in the mud.

My dad and I have talked a bit about depression in the past and discussed the difference between circumstantial depression and chemical depression. Bad things in life will make you sad. And when they go on and on and never get better, it will make you depressed. That's circumstantial depression - where your circumstances make you depressed. Some people also experience chemical depression - everything in their life may actually be going pretty well, but they still feel depressed because the chemicals in their brain are out of whack.

I have problems with both and always have. The exercise helps the chemical aspect of it, but I still feel crappy because of circumstances. I explained this when I started therapy to let them know why I don't want medication at this time. I feel that my moods and the way I feel can be managed (not fixed, but managed) with what I do, how I eat, etc. But no matter how I FEEL, there are still other underlying issues that make me depressed and that is why I am in therapy.

Anyhow, perhaps your depression is really more due to your circumstances than anything else. In that case, therapy is going to be essential to get any noticeable relief.

Depression can and will make you lose interest in things you enjoy. In those cases, I usually switch. I try something else for a while. And, sometimes, I just keep doing what I'm doing despite the lack of interest and it can eventually still help. But it takes time and a lot of effort.

Anyway. I hope you can find something that works for you. I know feeling stuck in the dumps is not fun at all. I've been there LOTS.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by invisigirl

I can relate to a lot of that. It actually took me years before I finally found some sort of exercise routine that actually makes a difference for me. But no, it will not help how you feel about certain situations, however it can help you be a little more functional and feel a little less stuck in the mud.

My dad and I have talked a bit about depression in the past and discussed the difference between circumstantial depression and chemical depression. Bad things in life will make you sad. And when they go on and on and never get better, it will make you depressed. That's circumstantial depression - where your circumstances make you depressed. Some people also experience chemical depression - everything in their life may actually be going pretty well, but they still feel depressed because the chemicals in their brain are out of whack.

I have problems with both and always have. The exercise helps the chemical aspect of it, but I still feel crappy because of circumstances. I explained this when I started therapy to let them know why I don't want medication at this time. I feel that my moods and the way I feel can be managed (not fixed, but managed) with what I do, how I eat, etc. But no matter how I FEEL, there are still other underlying issues that make me depressed and that is why I am in therapy.

Anyhow, perhaps your depression is really more due to your circumstances than anything else. In that case, therapy is going to be essential to get any noticeable relief.

Depression can and will make you lose interest in things you enjoy. In those cases, I usually switch. I try something else for a while. And, sometimes, I just keep doing what I'm doing despite the lack of interest and it can eventually still help. But it takes time and a lot of effort.

Anyway. I hope you can find something that works for you. I know feeling stuck in the dumps is not fun at all. I've been there LOTS.

Thankyou for explaining all that to me invisigirl. Yeah, i'm sort of hoping once I relocate I can do more with my life and I'm going to try getting a therapist again over there in another city. And I, just like you dont like medications and don't want to be dependent on them, so this gives me a good idea to workout side by side my therapy, i'll try it out when i get there!

In the meantime, i'm still trying to figure out how to paint with oilcolors! I have done acrylics but oil is totally new to me, and I've left painting its been 10 years!

But, thankyou SO much for all the wonderful suggestions! i hope you have a great day!
back at ya!

[foxglove]

Consider the source. He is an abuser. Now, he is abusing you with words. He can call you a failure all he wants. But look who is saying those things about you. A child molester, a rapist, and abuser. You may have issues, but you're not a failure. You have accomplished much more in your schooling than I ever have or will. Even if you decide to choose a different career path than what you studied, that does not make you a failure. You still got an education, no matter what the education was for and that is always something to be proud of. Many people find themselves realizing that they arent happy with the path they chose and they choose another. There's nothing wrong with that. It just happens that sometimes the things we thought would make us happy, don't. You found out that path wasn't for you. It happens all the time. Don't feel bad about that. I believe if you got that education, then you're a smart, determined person, who can accomplish other things as well. Find what makes you happy and go with it. He can call you a failure all he wants, it doesn't make it true and he will always be a piece of garbage abuser, molester, rapist. I think insulting you and putting you down makes him feel better about himself. Please don't let the words of filthy scum mean anything to you. These words are coming from the lowest of the low of the human race.