[nannypat]

In therapy, somethings have come up that my therapist has confirmed would be considered "sexual abuse" by my father. It is a long story and has other factors that point in that direction but the culminating event was my father doling out a punishment to me when I was 16 yrs.old in which he made me take off all my clothes and he beat me all over places I had never been beaten before. The beating wasn't the worst part, the nakedness was. He used a leather strap which he had used before but I had never been made to disrobe completely before.
I was not even aware that I was going to tell him about this incident ( he is a fairly new therapist for me)but we were talking about my father and how he was very unable to even hug me, he was cold, and when I was about ten he yelled at me because I had pj's on that he could tell I was getting breast and I could never wear them again because he didn't want to see them. I ended up very upset telling the story of the beating and remained upset for a long time after the session.
I was almost afraid to go back the following week to therapy, but I went and we talked a little more. It was not as emotional but once i got home I was still anxious and unsettled.
I e-mailed him about it and he said the short answer is what I have to do is understand what happened as an adult not as a hurt child.
I don't know how to do that. I am an older adult but when I talked about it it didn't feel any different than when it happened and this is 40 years later. How do you change it in your head?
I have always felt like I fit the description of sexual abuse survivors but I read a book and say no, that didn't happen to me! It can't be that. Another book and the same thing, no that didn't happen. I have no memory of before the age of 5 at all but I don't think that's unusual.

I guess you can see I think I am at the beginning of what could be a long road. I just don't know what he means for me to do by understand what happened as an adult, not a hurt child. Can anyone translate for me?

[Omers]

When I remember things from my past now (After a lot of hard work) my feeling is "you don't do that to children, that is not OK to do" rather then going into experiencing it like it happened yesterday. I can also have compassion for myself when I was little and how it has impacted me as an adult.
Healing takes time. IMO it is not so much about "I told my story X times I should be healed" as it is letting go of those events in a safe and manageable way... Which often means having to talk about it.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Omers

When I remember things from my past now (After a lot of hard work) my feeling is "you don't do that to children, that is not OK to do" rather then going into experiencing it like it happened yesterday. I can also have compassion for myself when I was little and how it has impacted me as an adult.
Healing takes time. IMO it is not so much about "I told my story X times I should be healed" as it is letting go of those events in a safe and manageable way... Which often means having to talk about it.

This is the first time I have told him the story. If I talk about it, isn't it only from the viewpoint of the child that experienced it, (or the hurt child) or is it trying to imagine how one would react to seeing it happen to someone else? I am really having a hard time trying to step outside myself on this one. I really didn't expect to be dealing with this right now or maybe not at all. I may not be making much sense. I feel really mixed up.

[(JD)]

I think your T means NOW. You are an adult now, and need to view the abuse from this perspective. Yes, it occurred as a child, and you will be likely to slip back into the child mode of feelings as though it's all happening "right now" ... but it isn't. I think T just wants to help you to heal without reliving it as though it's now and you have no control over it.

[Omers]

Honestly I don't think it makes sense until it happens then you think "why didn't I get this earlier?" at least that is how it is for me. Be gentle with yourself... therapy has a mind of its own.
When I talk about what happened I use first person, past tense to put it in English class lingo. So, yes in a way it is still from my perspective.

When I think about my 8th birthday and the party I remember lots of things... I remember the kids that were there, what kind of cake, what my mom looked like, and my favorite present- a transformers toy that changed from a truck to a robot. I was SO excited about my transformer I stopped playing with my friends, stopped opening presents and played with it and guarded it with my life. Now, at 30+ the memory of the transformer toy doesn't bring all the joy and excitement it brought then. I remember feeling excited about it then but I am not feeling excited as I write this. Now the transformer, cabbage patch doll, pound puppy and other favorite presents are still remembered but they don't bring the same feelings as they did the moment I opened the box.

[madisgram]

hang in there, nanny. we're here to support each other. your T is doing that in real life, too. i'm glad you are getting help.

[nannypat]

I think I get the concept that you are explaining, now if only my emotions will cooperate and I can act like an adult and not become a sobbing puddle of mush when we talk about this I guess I will get more accomplished. My therapist needs to buy stock in the Kleenex Co. with me as a client.

[Omers]

If they are smart any Ts working with trauma buy tissues in bulk! I think emotions and cooperation are mutually exclusive. Becoming a sobbing blob is a part of the process. Its all OK.
One time I used so many tissues in a session my therapist ran out of tissues and had to go get a role of TP from the ladies room!

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Omers

If they are smart any Ts working with trauma buy tissues in bulk! I think emotions and cooperation are mutually exclusive. Becoming a sobbing blob is a part of the process. Its all OK.
One time I used so many tissues in a session my therapist ran out of tissues and had to go get a role of TP from the ladies room!

Thanks Omers. I'm glad I 'm not the only one. I needed a little lift.

[Sannah]

Hi Nanny, I'm sorry that that happened to you.

I think that we need to release those emotions from long ago. If we don't we'll just keep carrying them around with us. There might also be some grieving that needs to occur. I don't think that we can heal without doing these things. Once those emotions have been released then the child can continue to grow and join the adult you. Holding these things and not processing them will cause that child to stay stuck.

[nannypat]

I saw my cognitive T today( not the one all this came out with. That is my pmd) and I was trying to tell her about some of this confusion I was having and as we talked about it and I cried about it I guess I closed my eyes. She said when I closed my eyes I was closing in on myself and that it would be more helpful if I could keep them open and keep the connection. It was so hard to keep my eyes open. Physically they wanted to close so bad.It took everything I had to try and keep them open even a tiny bit. Has anyone else had this difficulty when trying to talk about SA?

[Perna]

Nannypat, what would you do now if someone tried to do what your father did to you? Would you "allow" it? Would you try to get away and leave? Yes! Children don't have options, are dependent on their parents and have little experience to be able to think of any alternatives even if there are any.

Yes, it hurts to think of it now as it hurt then, even more perhaps because you know it cannot be "fixed" and will not change. Your father cannot be/do other than he did and that can cause a lot of grief, that you cannot have a loving father as a child. Your father humiliated you but you did not understand exactly why you felt as you did; now as an adult you understand that a child cannot be treated this way, that it is very wrong. However, in adulthood you also know it was in your past and when you were a child so though you were embarrassed and humiliated, it will not happen again because you are no longer a child and you will not allow yourself to be so embarrassed and humiliated. Imagine if a child of your own or one you know were treated this way by their father, how would you feel about the child? You are that child!

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Perna

Nannypat, what would you do now if someone tried to do what your father did to you? Would you "allow" it? Would you try to get away and leave? Yes! Children don't have options, are dependent on their parents and have little experience to be able to think of any alternatives even if there are any.

Yes, it hurts to think of it now as it hurt then, even more perhaps because you know it cannot be "fixed" and will not change. Your father cannot be/do other than he did and that can cause a lot of grief, that you cannot have a loving father as a child. Your father humiliated you but you did not understand exactly why you felt as you did; now as an adult you understand that a child cannot be treated this way, that it is very wrong. However, in adulthood you also know it was in your past and when you were a child so though you were embarrassed and humiliated, it will not happen again because you are no longer a child and you will not allow yourself to be so embarrassed and humiliated. Imagine if a child of your own or one you know were treated this way by their father, how would you feel about the child? You are that child!

Thanks Perna. I appreciate what you are saying and I would never have let that happen to one of my own children. I would have protected them with my life from my abusive husband till we could leave if I had to. I appreciate everyones patience with me. I am going through a time of great emotional turmoil and confusion Thanks