[splitimage]

Hi, this is the first time, I've worked up the nerve to post in this forum so please be gentle with me. We've barely even begun to explore this aspect of my child hood in therapy and already I'm a basket case. Anyway that's not why I'm writing. I'm 42 and I've never been in a sexual relationship as an adult. That's because the mere thought of heterosexual intimacy sends me into a blinding rage. And I know I'm capable of violence.

A guy in university who I liked, started to go a little far with me one night when we where just hanging out snuggling a little, and I reacted so strongly, that had he not been stronger than me, I might have really hurt him, I was fighting so hard to get him off me

I'm really afraid of my reaction, and so deliberately stay out of relationships, but I don't want to be alone forever.

Anyone else have this problem? Or more importantly has anyone been able to overcome it?

Thanks.

--splitimage

[phoenix7]

((((Splitimage)))))

i guess i went the other way - i switch off - i have had one sexuall relationship and i might as well have been a doll - i did what i thought i was supposed to but all the time i sat in the back of my head wanting it just to be over... it didnt last long .. thank heavens ...

have you talked to your T about this?

they say anger is the other side of fear ... maybe when part of you feels safe enough ... i dont know....

i just .. i .. i just want you to know i am thinking of you and wishing you well

P7


p.s., i long for hugs and cuddles but anything past that.......... nope

[Sannah]

I think that you need to work through your abuse in therapy first and then you will be ready to move forward.

[Omers]

I had something different but similar... sorta. I felt that I had to protect myself from what had already happened... that fight rage was SO strong. It was a totally conscious thing but I needed to have that fight. I found a guy I trusted to not be sexual with me (and who was significantly stronger than me) and he let me go at him for all I was worth and he made sure I didn't hurt myself or him. Eventually I just collapsed from exhaustion and layed there and cried. Even though there was no real threat this time I did protect myself, I did keep the child parts of me safe, I did what I couldn't do as a child.
I am very kenestetic I have to do things, feel things, experience things. I have found that this is true in my healing as well. Some times I just have to do something over but with a happy ending.
Some people can just beat the snot out of their pillow or matress but that just isn't dramatic enough for me

[Nightside of Eden]

I never got violent from men touching me, but I used to trigger and dissociate badly at certain types of sexual touches. I was able to work through this with my husband, by having him be extremely gentle and ground me back to reality every time I started to dissociate. Eventually I formed positive associations with the touches, instead of the negative associations I had before. So I definitely believe it's possible to overcome a problem like this, if you have a partner with the patience and understanding to help you.

I do understand about triggers pushing you into uncontrollable rage, though. There are certain types of triggers that push me into that same state. I know it's possible to address those, by the same types of exposure therapy I used on the sexual triggers, but I haven't really started working on it yet because I need to do it in a very tightly controlled environment so that the other person doesn't get hurt. The adrenaline makes me incredibly strong when I'm in that state of mind.

[Evening]

I don't get angry as such, more of a total panic. Not just sexually but intimacy in general. To the point that once or twice I felt like I was going to faint just from having a guy put his arm around me. I've never really tried to get help for it though, I have sort of, but I feel uncomfortable talking about myself intimately (as in me in a relationship in general, it's something that repulses myself).
I do get 'angry' in one sense though, it sounds silly but I get offended when guys try anything with me, on top of disgusted. I'll want something and then when it happens in reality- hell no.

[JustWannaDisappear]

I don't get angry. I've only ever been with my husband and have been married for seven years. I have only within the last year or so been much better with intimacy. I use to go to the bathroom and cry after everytime.. I would also just think about everything else and want him to hurry up. I hated being touched. Even a hug would make me feel gross. We actually separated right before our 1yr anniversary then I found out I was pregnant. A lot of our problems had to do with me not wanting sex or to be touched. I still sometimes cry afterward. I hate when I cry without warning, it embarrasses me, but usually I can look back and figure out that something had triggered me.

Sorry, I kind of went off. I haven't over come it but I'm working on it every day.

[SlatkaMala]

Oh yeah. Violent rages. Disassociating during intimate behaviors. Crying. Locking myself in the bathroom.

Oh yes. I've done all that.

I feel for all of you on this post. I really really do.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Splitimage - I understand...can't really say more than that...but I'm listening

[bounceback]

I understand also and I am older than you. It is not a good place to be in. I feel for you.