[Shangrala]

Why is it that once you do stand up for yourself and involve the police just bout everyone else who finds out that you have suddenly seem to side with the abuser BECAUSE the police had been involved?
They don't approve or support the abuse, but they also tell me that "surely, there could have been some other way to get myself out of the abusive situation without having to involve police"
WTF?
My response to them was, "go out n receive your own black eye and cracked nose bridge THEN tell me what you'd do as a result".
My lord. It's bad enough to be abused by someone who's supposed to love you, yet to have to deal with the guilt that most (not all) dish out to me as a result is like being victimized all over again.

Believe me, involving the police was an extreme last resort. I just wanted it to stop. I didn't want to go to the police because usually more times than not, they only make a situation worse, (and I was right. They did make it FAR worse). Because of their disregarding me in the matter, (all they seemed to care about was "apprehending their criminal" and tossed what I was going through completely to the side), I am now not only viewed as wrong for involving them, but also having to deal with the system's overkill of authority. I've been victimized in two different aspects now, if not more.
Now I have more worries than before. Sigh.

Shangrala

[roses4me]

there are associations for victoms of crimes
among other things , they provide counselling and will accompany you to court

it took guts to report it
good for you

roses

[lynn P.]

Nice to see you again in the forums ((Shangrala)) but so sorry it for a bad reason. Since I haven't seen you around I was hoping, it was because things were going better for you. If you feel like sharing, would you mind filling us in. I'm sorry to hear something bad happened and you feel victimized twice.

[WePow]

You are right, it stinks when others take the side of the abuser. uggggg.

[Sannah]

Who would tell you not to involve the police?

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Nice to see you again in the forums ((Shangrala)) but so sorry it for a bad reason. Since I haven't seen you around I was hoping, it was because things were going better for you. If you feel like sharing, would you mind filling us in. I'm sorry to hear something bad happened and you feel victimized twice.

(This ended up SO MUCH longer than what I first intended...lol. So, get some coffee, get comfy....lmao).

Hi, Lynn (and everyone),

Nice to be back, despite the reasons..lol.

Actually, Lynn, things had been improving. This past winter I finally made it over to Holland to meet Kristian and his family. Spent an entire month there with all of them. It was wonderful.

I've begun my own online business to become self-sufficient, (still struggling with that, but as with everything, it'll take time to reap its rewards). I found a wonderful therapist last October, who has been absolutely fantastic in guiding me to recovery. She and I click so well. I couldn't ask for better.

Everything had been getting better...with one exception, my residence and finalizing this divorce. I've tried residing elsewhere, but at that time, I hadn't a job to support my daughter and self, and lord knows that I've looked for work (nothing out there). Without money I had no means to carry ourselves, and reluctantly, moved back in with hub, (this was sometime ago). Things remained civil for many months, although at a gradual incline of occasional friction with moments of conflict, though nothing harmful.
(lol..maybe this should be in the "relationship forum).

The past couple months have been increasingly fluxed as he was wanting to build upon and improve our marriage despite my clarity of wanting to finalize the divorce, all the while he insisting that my daughter and I remain here as I am not financially ready to leave. Blah blah.
I thought that we had an understanding between us, that I'd remain until I became self-sustaining, however, he never agreed to divorce. He wanted to make it work. I made myself clear to him that what there was between us is only a living arrangement but without sexual benefits, (the feelings just aren't there anymore and I've made myself VERY clear, which he seemed to tolerate the best he could).
I also explained to him that the best way for me to deal with this 'arrangement' between us was to avoid confrontation with him the best way I knew how, (usually by NOT attending in "deep" conversation..as though we are getting along and all is good. He has a tendency to misread those signals which has lead to arguments). Those kind of results only taught me that BY getting along, thus him misreading signals as though there is hope, only further complicated things.

Last week as I was minding my own business here at my computer, he comes in after a shower and, once again, makes a futile attempt to "bond" with me. I was not receptive, or responsive. He began to pressure me into conversing, (he was feeling lonely and wanted some attention, however, I am perfectly aware of what his idea of attention leads to, and I avoid it for a number of reasons). I kindly request him to back off, that I'm not up to it and I attempt to resume my business on my system. His attitude escalates from persistent to demanding, (I'm assuming that my display of avoidance only aggravated him more). So, to avoid his yelling, I calmly shut my system off, stand to remove myself from the room with intentions of going to the living room to watch my cartoons (lol) and...escape confrontation, (this tactic usually works when he would get into his 'needy' modes and he'd leave to his bedroom in silence every time). This time, however, was different.

I stand to leave, he pushes me backward. I lose footing n fall against desk. I calmly stand again, he pushes me back again. I stand the third time, he pushed me back again, this time holding me down. I try to break free of his hold. He slaps me across face. This pissed me off and without thinking, I hit him back in the face. That enraged him, and he hits me in the face across nose n eye. (Delay reaction in feeling any pain). I'm in shock, I suppose, that this even happened. Suddenly the pain hits me and I begin to scream in pain. I fall to my knees holding my face.
In comes our 15 year old daughter from her bedroom. Hub is VERY apologetic and attempting to comfort me. I'm pushing him away. She sees me and immediately attempts to comfort me, yelling at him to stay away. I holler at her to call cops. She has her phone handy (of course, what teen doesn't..lmao), and begins to dial 911. Hub turns his attention from me to her, struggling to get phone from her to prevent her from calling. He ends call and yells at her not to call cops and that , "it'd kill him".
My daughter escorts me to kitchen. I get ice pack for nose. We go into living room.
I have my Amazon parrot open perched in living room and she is highly defensive of me. Hub follows us into living room, attempting to attend to me. My parrot flies over to defend me, landing on him and proceeds to biting him, not letting go. He reacts, grabbing her and throwing her against wall. My attention immediately goes to her, picking her up from floor, making sure she's alright and not harmed. I place her back onto perch.

My daughter is beside herself, naturally. I'm comforting her, trying to assure her I'm fine and to not worry. I follow her to her bedroom and close door. I promise her that I'll call cops, but I need to wait for a better time, (not that THAT time wasn't good enough. I just didn't want further confrontation for my daughter to have to deal with).
I stay the night in her room (only a two bedroom house). Next morning, he leaves for work after checking on me and again apologizing to me. My daughter and I leave for the cop shop to file report.

We get to the cop shop and begin report. Before I say anything, I insist to them that I do not want this matter to go ANY further than what it is. That, if they intend to make more of it, then I am only wasting everyone's time and I will leave. The officer promises me that what testimony I make I am in complete control of how I want it to go and to not worry about it becoming more than what I was there for. He assures me that this is "only" a domestic violence matter and that hub will be charged with that, which will result in probation and probably a year of anger management course. And that he will be arrested, but let out on his own recognizance. I told him that I do not want him arrested at work, that his job will be in jeopardy and can possibly lose it (he's a foreman responsible for a large manned crew), and is located in a different city than where we reside. The officer assured me that that wouldn't happen..and reminded me that I have control in the matter. He tells me that they will send a police patrol car to house to pick him up once he arrives home from work. With that reassurance, I feel confident that ONLY the matter at hand will be attended to. I proceed to begin report. An audio of two separate reports was taken. One from each of us. I tell them exactly what I had said above.
During my statement, the officer was trying to encourage me to admit that there was more abuse than what there was. He was probing me, pushing me to say more than what actually happened. I corrected him 3 different times, telling him that there was no more and to please just focus on what "is".

My daughter begins her testimony. In her statement, she said that there was mass confusion when he was restraining her from making the call to 911 and when he had said, "it'll kill me", she said that she heard him say, "I'll kill you". That isn't what was said, but it's how she heard it and it was recorded in her statement as now a threat to her life.
She followed that up with the fact that her dad does yell a lot of crap, says MANY stupid things, but never means them. That he was immediately apologetic and tried to correct his error.

After our testimonies, the officer then tells me that this matter is now completely out of my hands and that "it is what it is". That a warrant will be issued for his arrest for domestic violence and threat to a life and destruction of property. I'm stunned. Yes. I was fully aware that he will have to be accountable for his abusive actions. After all, that is what I was at the cop shop for..TO make it stop. TO put the fear of God in him by taking this further by involving the police. That this time, I meant business. That it IS time it does end once and for all.

I tell the officer that I feel tricked and mislead by him. That he allowed me to believe that nothing more would come of this matter than the actual matter at hand. I also tell him that I feel manipulated and victimized by him. But he tells me that this is now out of my control and it is going to the D.A. He then tells me that he'll give me a copy of the mandatory 7-day restraining order and to return the following Monday to pick up the permanent restraining order and a copy of the police report.
I question him about "what permanent restraining order?", and he told me that he automatically added it to the "case".
He then tells me that a warrant is issued for his arrest and that they'll more than likely go to his work and pick him up there. I freak and insist to remind him that he told me that would not happen. He then begins to inform me that hub is now a criminal and this matter has become larger than original and deserves to be treated as such. WTF?
I feel horribly mislead and manipulated by him. I am in complete dismay over how he could promise me "this", then so suddenly deliver me "that". It begins to sink in that he is possibly abusing his authority only to obtain an arrest, and the cost is of no issue to him whatsoever. I begin to become upset and angry.

I excuse myself to go outside to have a smoke. During that time, hub calls me, (he's home early from work), checking on me to see if I'm alright. He asks me where I am. I lie and tell him I'm at grocery store. He begins to apologize again for the night before. Now, I'm at a complete loss and in an absolute confused frame of mind. I know that I did the right thing by protecting myself and daughter, but now I question who I should be protecting us from? Granted, hub made the wrong choice by what he'd done and I do NOT support it whatsoever, but now because of how the officer had manipulated n mislead me, I'm feeling guilt knowing what hub is soon to be up against.
I interrupt hub in convo and inform him where I am and what the cops are intending to do. He freaks out and leaves house. I inform the officer that I had (as the officer describes) "tipped off the perp" and that they won't find him at the house.
Of course, now the officer is somewhat peeved at me for implicating the arrest. Too bad for him.

At this time, my daughter needs to use the bathroom and the one at the cop shop was out of order, so I tell officer that I'm taking her down to local Burger King to use and will return. He asks me to promise I'll return. I did. We leave and enter the restaurant. As I'm sitting waiting for my daughter, police department dispatch calls me and informs me to immediately meet the patrol officer at my house. I told her that the officer asked me to return to their office. She informs me that "they" are at house, waiting and to go there immediately. We leave for home (only 4 blocks away). As I'm driving up a block away from house, I notice many police cars parked everywhere. The officer directs me where to pull over. I park, get out of car with daughter beside me. As I'm walking to approach the police officer who took our report, I ask him, "what the hell is going on? Why so many cop cars? It looks like a war zone here". He tells me, "standard procedure and to wait on sidewalk and let them do their job.
My daughter and I counted 20 cop cars with police motorcycles and other patrol cars driving by. I swear there had to have been the entire city police department there. I told him that this is not standard procedure..that what it IS is embarrassing and serious overkill of authority, as well as unnecessary.

As we are standing there, I make a joke (nervous reaction) and ask them, "the entire gang's here, but where's the canine units?" One officer points to the side street, "two units over there". Omg. I was ONLY kidding. The police force with their men dressed in swat team gear, with guns drawn begin to approach the house as I have no choice but to stand there a block away and watch this circus taking place. I remind the officer. "Hub is not home. You're wasting time and effort".

At that point, hub calls the officer who's "in charge" (the one who took our report), and begins to tell him that he is on his way to his mom's who lives in Reno. The officer tries to encourage him to turn himself in. I can hear hub telling the cop that he's not going to be arrested and he's not coming back.
After the call, the cop tries to coax me into calling hub to turn self in. That it will be FAR better that he turns self in before a warrant is issued for his arrest which will then make it much harder on him.
"Wait a minute, didn't you tell me that a warrant is already issued?" "What IS the story?"
I'm becoming more upset, insisting that now they know first hand that he is not home and to allow my daughter and I to just go home. He tells me that he can't allow us to go home until they first go inside and check out the perimeters to make certain that it's safe. Insisting that it's "standard procedure". I tell him no, that I want to just go home and forget all about how this has become far more than what it was supposed to be.
"I'm sorry", he says to me. "But, we cannot allow you into your home without us securing it first. We don't know if he isn't in there, or not"
"WHAT? Hub was just on the phone with you telling you that he is on the road driving to Nevada and you know damn well he isn't in the house."
"Until we know for a fact that he is not in that house, we cannot let you go home. It's standard procedure, ma'am. For your own safety".
I'm sorry, but ********.
They detained my daughter and I for 45 minutes as we watched the swat team surround our home.
One officer then has the audacity to ask me,suspiciously, "why are you being difficult in this matter? Why won't you just allow us to enter and clear the place? Are you sure you don't have anything inside of your house that you haven't told us about that may implicate you?"
"Are you kidding me?", I reply. "Yeah. I have something in there. I have two small poodles who make a mad dash out the door as soon as it's opened. And I don't want them running out into the streets".
"Oh. Don't worry about them. We'll make sure they're cared for".
"So, what you're telling me is that you are refusing me allowance to go home until AFTER you go inside even if against my approval?"
"Standard procedure. It's for everyone's safety. Maybe you should not have tipped him off and this would already be all over with"
"I see. So this is no longer JUST about what my hub has done. You are now punishing me for making this harder for you?"
"Again, this is only standard procedure. WE cannot allow you or your daughter inside without us first entering to ensure safety".

FINE. I give them my keys to the house. They go in, come out and inform me that it's clear. He isn't there. DUH!
The officer reminds me to return the following Monday to pick up perm restraining order and copy of police report. My daughter and I get into our car, drive it to the house and park. We stand and watch as all the cop cars leave one by one.
Next day, officer calls me and asks me if there is anything more that I can add to the report that I may have overlooked and if I know of where my hub is. And if I could possibly talk him into turning self in. Sigh. By this time I wouldn't help him with anything even if I could.

Monday comes. I wait until later afternoon to ensure plenty of time for report to arrive. I go there and request the report. She tells me that there is no record on file of any report or order and to call back to check on further development.
Meanwhile, hub has hired attorney. Smart move. I can fully understand why he would.
Turns out that he has 3 felony and 2 misdemeanor charges. My lord.

All the while, his family is contacting me expressing their disapproval for my involving the police. Believe me, by this time even I'M regretting calling them. I do not regret what I had done for WHY it was done, but I most definitely am regretful for how it all ended up to be.

My T tells me to file a complaint against the overkill of authority and how they mislead me by making false statements to me in order to obtain an arrest.
Clearly, they did not have the welfare of me or my daughter in consideration.

I have spoken with my hub's attorney and explained the entire matter with him, especially the dissatisfaction of how the police department had manipulated me to obtain more of a conviction than what there originally was.
He reminded me that this is not a case about justice paid to the victim, but merely another repeated case of earned revenue.
It's all about money.

Now, as a result, hub is facing 3 felony charges which require more money to pay for than what we have.

I'm so confused anymore. Despite that what hub had done is dead wrong and I still have full intentions of following through with caring for my daughter and self as a result of it, I'm left feeling so victimized and guilty for the rest.

My faith in our system has been compromised long ago, but now I've been reminded of how corrupt it really is.
I'm hurt and angry..for so many reasons. I'm left feeling so confused. Sigh.

Thanks for reading my over-extended post. At this time, I really don't have anyone to talk to about all this, except for my T, which she does help.
I finally got it ALL out. Feels good, too.

Shangrala