[Crysis]

About two years ago I stepped out to my friend about being sexually abused for 4 years, she went to the cops and naturally the problem was solved. I went to a therapist (who I would have really preferred be a woman at that time and still do), and, I lied right to his face, I repeated over and over again that the abuse hadn't effected me in anyway and that the therapy was pointless, he gave me a sheet to complete to see if I was ready to stop the sessions, it was fine, until I hit the "do men make you uncomfortable" question. Of course, not wanting to talk about what had happened or anything I said no. But here I am, absolutely terrified of even speaking to guys face to face. I am currently dating someone who lives far away from me, and I love him dearly, yet I can't help but think that the distance is for the best. I am so.. scared of guys that I can't even hang out with them at all. I tried to go on a date with a guy a while back, it went terribly, I felt nauseous the whole time and just wanted to run away. How in the world am I ever going to have a normal relationship if things keep going this way? I have considered taking up therapy again, but I'm not sure if I'm completely willing to open up to someone about this face to face, I don't want to verbally admit I have an issue, I want to pretend that being abused did nothing to me, that I'm a strong woman who can take anything. Should I just suck it up and go to therapy?

[jwabf]

Sorry to say Crysis, but YES. And this time make sure it is a woman. There is no way except through this is you want to have a comfortable and fulfilling relationship with a man. If you don't bring this into a therapeutic context you will end of projecting the abuser onto all the men in your life, or even worse unconsciously finding someone who is like him so you can unconscioously work through the abuse by recreating it. That sounds ridiculous and crazy but is so common it even has a name: repetition compulsion. So be loving to yourself and give yourself the gift of healing: find a female sexual trauma specialist. Good luck and be safe. Hugs ... (((Crysis)))

Hiya Crysis!

I responded to your other post in the new member intro's but also felt compelled to share with you on this post as well.

I won't go into any details just to say the abuse that I endured was extreme and lasted for quite a while, so I can relate. I got married when I was 19, before was ready to admit to the abuse. I went to college and in my first year was raped by a co-worker who I still had to work with as I didn't report it. So between that and my home life I felt trapped. I wanted out and along came my future husband. He asked me if I wanted to move with him to another country on the last day of his visit. Internally I knew this would happen and so knew that he was what God had given me as a way out. So, I slept with him throughout our first week together, knowing that I had to give him what he wanted so I could get what I needed.

Needless to say, we got married and I started withholding sex, having gotten what I needed in just being removed from the two situations back in california. Bear in mind this is all subconscious at the time and only later with much therapy has it come into my consciousness. In 2004 I went to treatment for anorexia and bulimia. It came out that the anorexia was about not being attractive to men, so I wouldn't be raped again. During treatment we went to Overeaters Anonymous meetings. During those meetings I had such a fear of men that I couldn't sit next to one, or directly across from one, or if one had a mustache I had to leave the room. An argument between two men at a meeting led to my first dissociative episode.

Fast forward to 2006, I left my husband and moved to another city where I started working graveyards at a hotel. I worked with a security guard who was male. It was then that I discovered a core belief. For me that core belief is, "every man is a rapist and if given the opportunity, will rape me". Extreme and a little paranoid I know yes, but not delusional (just a projection). So in order to feel "safe" around this guy, who worked alone with me, I felt I had no choice but to make the inevitable event of sex my choice. Hence, began my sex addiction. I pursued him until he fell to my advances and we had sex. Now, I'm not afraid of men, mostly because this security guard turned out to be uber compassionate and very caring and gentle. He made me feel comfortable with my sexuality. Still I have that core belief and when I get into situations where men start to rattle me I then act out on my addiction sleeping with some other man hoping for karma to offset the initial guys desire to rape me.

I know this is complex, but that is how my mind works. I hope this has helped in some way. If you want clarification just reply or PM me. I'm a totally open book, I have nothing to hide.

Also, the process of telling for me was very difficult. Inside my head it is a warehouse and the little girl who used to be me is in charge of keeping the warehouse tidy. The warehouse is simply filled with boxes of my stored memories. Normally if a box falls down she'll re-file everything and put the box back, but sometimes she doesn't know what to do so will pic up the memory and shove it in my face and I experience that as a flashback or nightmare. That's when I turn to the eating disorder. Anyway, when I was in treatment I was asked to write about my history of the eating disorder. Onto the page spilled very generic details about the abuse. At first the little girl was satisfied with that. But after I slept on it I woke up to her ranting and raving about how I didn't give any details and must obviously not believe her. She demanded I give details but I didn't want to so she started shoving memories in my face so I couldn't deny having no recollection. Initially I became suicidal as I didn't feel able to talk in specifics. Eventually, after treatment, I started therapy and was able to work on some very basic memories but not the more sadistic stuff. To this day she wants me to talk in specifics but I don't want to go there and I'm the adult so I say no. So far she has taken that well and subsided in her anger towards me.

I find though that it is a process. I can't let myself become overwhelmed by the prospect. I have to break it down into manageable chunks. I couldn't have a healthy relationship, still can't as I haven't dealt with all I need to. Just don't forget to occassionally look over your shoulder to realize how far you've come and congratulate yourself for your progress.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Missingno]

Sacred of men? How can you be scared of me? I might be a man, but I'm sure you could kick my buttocks!

All joking aside, it sucks that you're scared of men. I highly suggest getting therapy FROM A WOMAN. Also, you should answer questions honestly to make sure you get the right treatment.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Crysis

About two years ago I stepped out to my friend about being sexually abused for 4 years, she went to the cops and naturally the problem was solved. I went to a therapist (who I would have really preferred be a woman at that time and still do), and, I lied right to his face, I repeated over and over again that the abuse hadn't effected me in anyway and that the therapy was pointless, he gave me a sheet to complete to see if I was ready to stop the sessions, it was fine, until I hit the "do men make you uncomfortable" question. Of course, not wanting to talk about what had happened or anything I said no. But here I am, absolutely terrified of even speaking to guys face to face. I am currently dating someone who lives far away from me, and I love him dearly, yet I can't help but think that the distance is for the best. I am so.. scared of guys that I can't even hang out with them at all. I tried to go on a date with a guy a while back, it went terribly, I felt nauseous the whole time and just wanted to run away. How in the world am I ever going to have a normal relationship if things keep going this way? I have considered taking up therapy again, but I'm not sure if I'm completely willing to open up to someone about this face to face, I don't want to verbally admit I have an issue, I want to pretend that being abused did nothing to me, that I'm a strong woman who can take anything. Should I just suck it up and go to therapy?

I think you can tell it to somebody who can not share it. Your diary, your dog or I do not know, but we need to talk about it.

[Sannah]

Yes, if you want to move forward therapy is imperative.

[Elli-Beth]

I was generally very scared of men as a result of 2 abusers, but I have a male T and I really think that was a good choice for me. It took me a while to trust him or even just be able to talk, but now that I do he's helped me to see that there ARE good guys out there.

[Mediator]

yes there are good guys for you.

[drowninbuterfly]

I agree with most people here, try therapy again but this time from a woman. A woman probably will be able to relate more and understand your view better. In other words she will probably be better for you in the long run.