It has ruined my life....

As a child I was molested by an uncle. It resulted in 30 years of dysfunctional marriage and relationships. I really can't connect with a man romantically. I'm an alcoholic (in recovery) while no one in my family has this disease. I've been on anti-depressants 80% of my life.

Now I'm alone in my fifth decade and I wish I'd never been born.

Hi Upr, are you in therapy?

You deserve to live, what happened to you was horrible but there is always a silver lining.

We humans are social animals and loneliness can hurt as much, if not more, as physical pain. It's tough to overcome things that happened to us as children, but it can be done through acceptance and the practice of mindfulness. Therapy can help, but it takes the right therapist. In the end, recovery must come from within.

CSA is hard to process, but it is possible! While I'm still in the middle of trauma work, I can already see aspects of my life that have improved due to working on them in therapy. I still have a ways to go, but I definitely look at things through different eyes now.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
~ Maya Angelou

In my experience, sometimes those memories are harder to take than at other times.

Working with a T, to help you through the process, is highly recommended. Even in T myself, I still sometimes fight the memories stuck in my head. That is okay. It isn't fun ~ but the emotions that memories bring on will ease as time passes. I have to work to accept those emotions. I don't have to like them. I don't have to change my perspective if I am not ready to do so.

What I do now realize is that I am the one in suffering. The people that I blame for my misery live in different worlds. We do not share the pain ~ we probably never will. It isn't right that I should live a life of misery because I was in the wrong places at the wrong times. I do understand the self-blame that you struggle with. I do the same thing ~ and it's a major struggle to get past that tendency. It can be done (so I am told), but it takes a long time and a lot of repetition.

Just last week, my T recommended that I carry a mental image of "positives" with me. Positive remarks that people make & I am able to honestly accept them, in those moments. Then, next time I am kicking myself (over whatever), refer to that little book of positives. Those positives question my belief that I am ____. (I don't want to put my negative beliefs into your mind that's why it's blank.)

Hope that helps you a little bit. Gentle hugs to you!