[soaringsparrow]

From March-December 2009 I was with a man who was abusive. I believed that I deserved it. I had destroyed my marriage and my place in my family because of my violent, abusive behavior and believed that this was part of my penance. (Because of that, if anyone has an issue with me posting/reading this section of pc, I'll understand and let it alone.)

In December 2009 this man's abuse got to the point where I believed that my life was at risk. I have children that I needed to be alive for. I have so much to explain to them, to let them know about why mommy isn't around as much as she should be and how it's not their fault, and on and on. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have bothered trying getting away from him when it got that bad. I was in a guilt-ridden depression and would have welcomed the end, at that point. For my children, I got away.

I did get away. He went to prison and has been there since. He'll be in prison at least until this coming December. I know where he is. I know he can't touch me. I don't understand why, then, I got no sleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him standing in front of me. Saying the things he used to day, doing the things he used to do. Only now he'd had 2 years of prison to build up anger and ideas to take out his anger on me.

I've know I have ptsd surrounding his abuse. I thought I'd learned how to deal with my fears about him. For the most part, they can be calmed with a quick check on NJ's prisoner search to see that he is still behind bars where he can't touch me. I did that last night and it didn't work. I tried everything last night, but I kept seeing him.

I don't know what to do. I have vistaril and can take it if I have to. It will get me to sleep, but even on the dosage I'm on I'll be out of it for days. Besides, I feel like that's letting him control my life from his cell.

I have to sleep. I feel like a walking zombie today.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I don't know what's going on.

sparrow

[moth]

Hey sparrow
I think you should look up a support group. They can help teach you coping skills as well as group therapy where you will be reminded that you aren't alone. I also noticed you talk about yourself still in a negative fashion - it seems to me like you blame yourself to much for things that were beyond your control, also, even if you had done something bad to your original family it would not mean in any way that you deserve abuse. Nobody deserves abuse. *hugs*

I don't think you can offend anyone with a post asking for help, especially when you are the victim. I know how it is to feel like someone is out to get you at night time - what helped me deal with it was a high dose of Zoloft. Maybe talk about a new regimen including an anti-depressant? Also, if you don't have an addictive personality, you may want to ask for a mild tranquilizer such as clonazepam (one of the most prescribed medications nowadays as many doctors and psychiatrists have a stigma around Xanax and for good reason too). I took Vistaril for a while and it helped a little but not as much as clonazepam (Klonopin) which I feel would definitely be prescribed to you because of your history.

Just remember to be careful and ask questions! Hope this helped! *hugs*

[Sannah]

Hi Sparrow, PTSD requires treatment with therapy. Is this an option for you?

[Can't Stop Crying]

I agree with Sannah....some of these feelings should be dealt with in therapy. It can help you learn new coping skills and discuss some of the (legitimate) feelings you are having to help them lose some of their power.