[the1forgotten]

A couple months ago I was inpatient for being suicidal. I was accepted into the trauma program they had which is really hard to get into... I refused (shocking) I told them I would come back in and do it. Well now they are trying to get in touch with me because I only went to 2 therapy appointments and skipped all the rest, they want me to come be hospitalized and do the program soon.
Don't get me wrong, I want to move on from what happened but how can I move on when I see the people who hurt me all the time. How do I move on when bad stuff still happens? Do I have a sign on me that says 'hurt me'
I hope to go back and do the program next week. I'm on summer vacation from school and I took two weeks off from my job. I know I'm not going to do it though... I'm to much of a coward. I'm sick of this, everything is my fault...

[eskielover]

Are you afraid of what you might find out....or afraid that this could make you stronger so that you can possibly help yourself in the future & learn how to stop allowing yourself to get hurt.....maybe even learn to stand up against those who hurt you?

Maybe the sign doesn't say "hurt me" in might say...."I don't do anything about it if you do". Learning to stand up for yourself is one of the first steps to stop people from hurting you.....since that's the only thing YOU CAN DO....you can't stop those who hurt.....but you can do whatever you can to stop allowing them to hurt you.

Think the program would be really good for you in many ways

[arcangel]

Eskielovers answer was perfect. The only thing that could possibly be your fault is inaction. Cowards are afraid of being hurt. You've already been hurt. The courage to face this is in you. Find it

[Sannah]

So you are still in your bad situations?

[Open Eyes]

Hi the1forgotten,

I just read your profile and I am very sorry that you had that happen to you. I have had similar issues, I was also drugged and date raped, and got pregnant and rushed to a place of pain.

I have had to live with a lot of pain, and even guilt about the abortion. I was only a couple week pregnant and no heart beat, but I really didn't get a chance to think about it. I have to say that while I know I was a very confused young lady I didn't say that I was raped. It was the son of a very wealthy client of my fathers and I didn't want to make a big issue. I had to take a shameful look from my father, lived with that for years.

I finally told him this past winter. The wealthy client had passed away and I just wanted my father to know what really happened, his little girl was not so bad after all.

I was also abused when I was a little girl, very little and for a long time. I didn't tell then either, the situation was so bad that I knew if I did tell, I probably may not be here writing this. But I did finally get to talk about that little girl that hid in silence and pain. And it took a lot of courage for me to do that, I too was worried about what others might think. Even writing this is hard but I am doing it for you. As I would have liked to have someone do that for me.

I see that your in college and you have a lot of things you like to do. So I want to tell you this. I know it is hard from the depths of me. But it was not your fault and you have to make it right by getting the help you need to make sure that what is in the past doesn't stop you from being all the other things you want to be.

Though no one can change your past or mine, they can help you recover from it and have a good life. That is what you need to do. You need to let it out and learn how to forgive yourself and move on with your life, and, you need to do it with help. Getting help does not mean your weak or underserving or dirty or even damaged. It means that you are going to try to be all those other things in spite of it.

And some day your going be just like me, talking to a young person in pain and your going to tell them that they can heal and live on and do many things. And it is ok to accept help. And your not alone, others have had it happen too, that is why there is now help for it. As each one of us has the courage to step foward, we help others do the same and we also make a path for them to heal. What ever is learned about you will help another just like you.

There are others here just like you, just like me and they are trying to come forward and we are all here and we all understand and we all will support you on your path to healing, and there will be many, me too's.

Open Eyes

[the1forgotten]

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of. I don't even know if I am afraid of anything. I probably am... Sometimes it's just easier to push everything that happened/is happening away. I tell myself things didn't really happen and that I just made/make everything up. That it's all a bad dream. Last time I was in patient they said I dissociate or whatever it's called. I just feel very confused and over whelmed right now. I scare myself when I get like this. I'm thinking a million things at once but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say. Everything is stuck inside me. I don't even know if this will make any sense to anyone. Sorry...

[Open Eyes]

Yes, it does make sense. And trying to ignore it makes sense to even to pretend it didn't happen also makes sense.

But it is there and it is much better to just address it with a trusted therapist than can set you free from holding it all inside.

You can't just keep it all inside. Feeling a million things all at once and feeling like you have nothing to say is the PTSD about it that is talking. Everyone that has it feels just like you do.
But there is an answer, you cant keep it stuck inside you. It is not fair to you.

Open Eyes

[the1forgotten]

That's the problem... I just can't get myself to trust anyone. Not even a little bit. I feel like any therapist and anyone in the hospital is just doing a job. My story, my life, my feelings... they don't matter to them.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by the1forgotten

I feel like any therapist and anyone in the hospital is just doing a job. My story, my life, my feelings... they don't matter to them.

What happened to make you feel this way?

[the1forgotten]

I feel this way because the therapists I've had weren't very caring, or even nice for that matter.
I'm already finding reasons I should go do the program and I don't even go inpatient for like 6 days.