[BeyondTheEnd]

Today I decided I would revisit the place where I was first sexually abused. Turns out that it was a big mistake... I was about 6 and walking around outside when he called me over and told me to give him a hug. I was reluctant at first, but he finally convinced me to. But a "hug" wasn't what he wanted.

When I got to the place I felt sick to my stomach. I felt it all over again, all the years I had to put up with him, everything he did, how he destroyed everything that was good in my childhood.. I ended up on the ground in tears and now I can't quit thinking about it. Damn how could I have been so stupid to think I cold have handled that. Im so pathetic

[Open Eyes]

No, Beyond,

You just saw that child and you had to cry about it. That is not bad, you have been holding it in and in disbelief. So you wanted to go back and check. And that is what happens when we go back and check. It is the beginning of letting it out and saying, yes it did happen and it was wrong.
Thats what you have to realize, yes it was wrong and you were a victim. AND NO YOUR NOT PATHETIC. Please dont think that. You have every right to look back, after all it was you that suffered and the pathetic part is that other person who took advantage of you. Not you Beyond.

I have felt that need to, I wanted to go and see if some trees were still there that I ran too and climbed up and hid cover. I wanted to see other things too. You are grown up now and checking your past. I felt sick to my stomach too, who wouldn't feel that way.

But you have to remember that you were in fact a child Beyond. You have to remember that you didn't really have the power you have now.
You also have to grieve in a way that is not blaming yourself but recognising that you were a victim and it wasn't your fault.

I believe you Beyond, I believe you did go back and I believe all those feelings and how hard it was on you. Yes, I believe it and me too, I have that spot in me that cries too. But I am a woman and I have to understand that it wasnt my fault, but it did hurt me. And I can't go back and change anything. I have to learn to know that I have to grieve and understand it and how it effected me then and today.

This is now the beginning of accepting it as something that happened in your past that wasn't fair. You needed to talk about this, and you were ready, but you just didn't realize what that meant. And that is how we all feel, it is a normal reaction. Your not damaged, but you have been hurt.
I believe you and we are all hear to listen.

I hope that you have a therapist to work on this with you. It takes time, and you do need support. What you have decided to do is start to heal. Your reaction is very normal, it isn't you, you wanted to do it somehow, how did you know what would happen, what did happen was very normal all those emotions that you are saying in your post. Please don't feel stupid or anything else. All of what you felt is a normal response and a beginning of letting it out and healing.

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

That would be difficult for anyone. Your reaction was totally normal.

[BeyondTheEnd]

Thanks guys, I really needed that.

[Elli-Beth]

But I think you DID handle it! You were so brave to go, and even if you did break down while you were there, you made it through and you're still around and kicking and even able to share the experience! You went into the storm and came out the other side! Okay, maybe you came out shaken up, but you did it!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm proud of you! That was an incredibly hard thing to do! Everything you felt was a normal reaction, give yourself some time to process these feelings. Keep posting as you feel comfortable. Welcome to PC