[geez]

My therapy is planned to end July 31st (due to insurance). In short I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally as a child. I am a mom to two young boys and I'm married. I've come a long way in therapy in the last three years. My problem is that I have an aversion to being intimate with my husband and I think this is tied to my abuse. I can be casually intimate outside of a serious relationship (back when I was single - I have not and will not cheat on my husband). I have had moments (not very often) where I do feel powerful and I think why did I feel so nonsexual?

There's a part of me that feels shame when it comes to sex even though I know I have done nothing wrong as a child but that 'feeling' of being dirty and ashamed is something that seems to stay with me. I will be talking about this at my next appt. My question is has anyone overcome this????

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL and feel safe in my own skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it possible to fix this before July 31st??? I plan on going to my old neighborhood to help process and hopefully bring some closure to all of this.

Any thoughts??

[*doodles*]

Try not to think of therapy ending. You still have 2 months. Is there anyway you can go more often in those 2 months??
I do believe you can fix these things. Maybe T can give you homework so you have stuff to work on during the week as well??
I hope going back to your old neighborhood is able to bring you some closure and is not too difficult for you.
And I wish you lots and lots of luck with all of this. I will thinking of you!

[Open Eyes]

Gee, you need to talk about this with a T. I have a similar issue, I was just too abused and it is too painful for me. But you may be able to overcome this, I hope you can. I don't know about revisiting a place where something bad may have occured. Remember you are going to view it as in that time, that age. I would talk to your T first before you do something that may not be helpful.

It can be very difficult to know what to do sometimes and you need to know what may occur. There is nothing in the past that can be changed you know. What has to be changed is how you are overcoming it today.

Keep us posted

Open Eyes

[geez]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

G
It can be very difficult to know what to do sometimes and you need to know what may occur. There is nothing in the past that can be changed you know. What has to be changed is how you are overcoming it today.

Keep us posted

Open Eyes

Hi (((Open Eyes))) and everyone thank you for your postings - I did chat with T today about it and I have a plan to meet with a friend who would be there for me after I go. There's the 'little geez' that I'm looking to nurture and collect. I need to honor her feelings and face what happend. I had been hiding from it all my life ( I was sa at age 5/6 and I'm now soon to be age 39). T told me there's a strong possibility that I probably wont feel great afterwords and it may take several visits before I collect myself and get everything I want out of going back. I feel like before I can move forward I need to reclaim myself in a way. Hope that makes sense.

[Sannah]

Of course you can fix yourself! Good luck! (And keep us posted?)

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm not sure what to say..I'm struggling with similar things. I am keeping you in my thoughts!

((((((Geez))))))

I struggle with the same thing. We're about the same age, and our abuse happened at the same ages, and I have the same issues with my H. Right now, the shame and yuck is just overwhelming.

A couple of years ago, I did visit the place where it happened. It was in another state, and I happened to be in that state for another reason, and told my husband I wanted to drive by the apartment, which was about 30 minutes out of our way. So we went. I wasn't as far along in my therapy as I am now, and really, more than anything, I kind of shut down. For me, it didn't really make things worse, but it didn't make them better. If you feel really drawn to go, maybe there is a reason. Having a friend to support you is a great idea.

Sending many safe (((((hugs)))). This stuff is hard

[insightunseen]

this is really hard. we really can't rush our healing, but we have these financial constraints that seem to hold us up. for me, i have been in therapy several different times in my life as i can afford it, so i've learned not to see therapy as really ending. in between, i find friends or self help groups or reading to keep me growing. over time i can say i have seen victories over different issues step by step.

[KDlady]

Normal is so overrated - being happy, healthy and true to yourself is a better place to be than "normal" Most "normals" are really just better at hiding things than others - and suffer because of that. I hope you find the closure and peace you are looking for but for me it has never been a certain time or place. And my therapy and recovery from abuse and PTSD cycle - things will be going great and then I go back and need to reprocess certain things or events - and during that time I am so much more fragile and lost. And sometimes I am just out and out ticked off - because I already did this (therapy) and I was fixed or so I thought. If only there was a quick fix - but I wish you the best

[geez]

Sorry all for the short response but Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'll be visiting on Tuesday my 39th birthday. I hope it goes 'well' and I'll keep you all in my thoughts and update you all as soon as I can.

((((((everyone))))))))

[Tamsorchid22]

This is just my opinion of course - the bad news is there is no such thing as being "Normal" What is it can you describe it? The other bad news is I do not think there is a time schedule so if you are looking for that magical date of July 31st or whatever I would not hold my breath. But finally the good news is that those feelings of shame and feeling dirty will go away. When I told my mom what my dad was doing they removed me from the house and I had two younger sisters. Who do you think I thought was to blame?? Yeah it was me or she would have gotten him away. So it was sorta a double whammy but I was not to blame. I did nothing wrong. It took me a while and therapy to get where I am at today but I have been through with it for many years now. I am and have been takeing care of me and let go of the filth in my life. Finally I have accepted the fact that I deserve to be happy and I have a wonderful and loving man who would do anything to make me happy. Back when I was younger I would self-sabatige but not any more. I just got rid of the rif raf people who wanted to place the blame on me the people who did and do not understand and I let them go. I just gave them all to God cause I had no use for them so let them answer to Him. I am 100% better now in my life. I have self-esteem and can actually get really emotional and intimate and it feels so good. Your gonna do it cause you have the power. But, sorry to say do not put the pressure on you for a date. There is help out there that is for free. They even have a group which is anonoymous where I received alot of support. Look and you will find something to carry you through more tough spots. You deserve it.

T

Originally Posted by geez

My therapy is planned to end July 31st (due to insurance). In short I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally as a child. I am a mom to two young boys and I'm married. I've come a long way in therapy in the last three years. My problem is that I have an aversion to being intimate with my husband and I think this is tied to my abuse. I can be casually intimate outside of a serious relationship (back when I was single - I have not and will not cheat on my husband). I have had moments (not very often) where I do feel powerful and I think why did I feel so nonsexual?

There's a part of me that feels shame when it comes to sex even though I know I have done nothing wrong as a child but that 'feeling' of being dirty and ashamed is something that seems to stay with me. I will be talking about this at my next appt. My question is has anyone overcome this????

I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL and feel safe in my own skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it possible to fix this before July 31st??? I plan on going to my old neighborhood to help process and hopefully bring some closure to all of this.

Any thoughts??

[geez]

Originally Posted by Tamsorchid22

This is just my opinion of course - the bad news is there is no such thing as being "Normal" What is it can you describe it?

Thank you Tam for your post. I guess to clarify when I say I just want to feel 'normal' is I want to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband. He is attracted to me and I want nothing to do with sex (yes I do love him ). I don't seek out sex with anyone else. There have been very small windows of time where I have felt ok with being sexual and having sex with my husband and loved it (there are no preformance problems on his end and never has ). When I did feel 'normal' I said to myself what do you have to be afraid of this is great you are sharing a part of yourself and you are in control. The rest of the time another part of me is 'present' and I have no intrest. It's like I have another 'self' that runs the show on this subject. Sorry for the ramblings this may be a topic for another thread? ....

[jwabf]

Geez, I am 55 and still struggling with sexual intimacy issues, although it has become less of an issue of late...my husband is beginning to feel his age, he is going to be 63. . But I wrote about this a lot in a book I published in 2004. I have the pdf on my blog and would be happy to share it with you. Suffice it to say you may have to find the money to continue therapy...I pay privately, always have. It takes about a third of my entire salary, but it has kept me alive, married, and sane (mostly!). Believe me when I say that continuing your healing will help ensure that your children don't carry your issues into adult life with them. Because the pain doesn't go away without processing it, it just moves onto someone or something else.
Going back to a childhood location? I couldn't do it without a reservation on the psych ward when I got back...no joke! I have lived 2000 miles away for 32 years and still have nightmares about not being able to get away. So be careful and be gentle with yourself. I wonder if your Little Geez has an agenda of proving to you that she still needs you to be in therapy?? Just a thought. Take care.

PS My blog is on wordpress and the book is called From Hurt to Healing. I can PM you the address if you wish.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Something that I tried when I couldn't do therapy at one point was to find a support group. You could go online and see if there are any survivor support groups(they are often run for free) in your area. The support group does not replace therapy, but at least you would have a group of people to turn to.

[geez]

Update: Things were a little emotional but I did ok. I went back to my old neighborhood and wrote allot of notes while sitting in my car. First just describing how small everything now looked compared to when I was a child. Second was the anger and a few memories of the abuse that happened that I never talked about before and third I wrote a note to Little Geez telling her that I'm here to bring her home and take care of her. We can have fun together. Even though things don't feel safe they are safe.

[Sannah]

Good work Geez.........