[*doodles*]

I just need some support or something I guess. Just feeling really, really down. Talked some more about the past in T today. About forgiving the people who abused me. And forgiving myself. I don't know how to do that, especially myself. I feel like I will never get over this. I think I was just meant to be this way. T says nobody was put here to suffer, but what does she know??
Blah

[Open Eyes]

Why is it so hard to forgive yourself? I can understand having difficulty forgiving an abuser, some of it depends on what the abuser is or was or why.

Doodle, you have to forgive yourself, after all, your just human. Someone has denied you something doodle. Why on earth would it be your fault?

I have been denied so many times in my life, I really didn't see it coming or I had no idea someone would be that bad or cruel, or negligent or even ill. I think that if your a good person, well, good people tend to blame themselves for not knowing how to be evil, have evil thoughts. I never saw it coming, never, I have seen alot that shocked the hell out of me. I often wondered if I was stupid. And that feeling of being cursed, yeah well I do know that feeling. But I don't blame myself, I can't know all the time what other people are thinking, well I have to tell you, I don't know how to think bad thoughts like that. Their curse not yours.

Especially young children, how could a child feel guilty, or guilty as an adult? Children don't know things, hey adults don't see bad things either, especailly if they are good kind people.

I don't know your whole story, but at the very least, forgive yourself.

Open Eyes

[autumnleaves]

I'm here with you, Doodle. I can't offer much foresight into the future for either one of us, but I am here at your side. I believe in you. You can do hard things.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry doodle...I am keeping you in my thoughts. I'm proud of you for opening up with your T. It's hard work and stirs up so many things! My belief about forgiving the ones who have hurt us is that it is not a give-in. They have to deserve forgiveness. I don't know your whole story, but unless the ones who hurt you have at the very at least acknowledged that they hurt you and shown they are taking steps to change the behavior - they don't automatically deserve forgiveness.
Forgiving yourself is difficult and confusing. It helps me to remember I was a child and I need to stop judging my from an adult mind and try to think of things that a child would think/feel. It helps to normalize my reactions to the abuse a little bit. As my T likes to say - I was behaving normal in an abnormal situation. Sometimes forgiving yourself means admitting that you did the best you could with what you had. Hang in there - you are making great progress!

[Xeneon]

(((DOODLE)))

I think its great that you are trying to figure out how to figure your abusers because if you can you'll have alittle more relief in life. Of course your not going to forget but forgiving them for yourself thats awsome. I'm standing up giving you a round of applause. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing ever. I couldn't forgive myself for longest time but I finally found away. It took me about 2 in half years. I hope you get some relief sometime soon. Wishing you the best of luck.

[*doodles*]

CSC- thats what my T says about forgiving myself. But in my head, it doesn't seem to matter. I feel like I should have been able to do better, think clearer, etc. I just cannot forgive myself I feel like I deserve all this pain as punishment.
And she also says forgiving others is for myself, to "free" myself from it, and put it behind me. It's not saying that its ok, or it didn't matter. Guess I don't really understand that though.
Open eyes, thank you. I don't know why I can't forgive myself. I just feel like I should have done better with what I had. That I should have known more, even as a child. I did some "bad" stuff as a result of the abuse I went through, and I feel like I was just as evil as them, even though I know I was only doing what I knew. I don't know how to even begin to forgive myself. I actually think it might be easier to forgive the abuser.
AL-thank you!!
((((hugs))))

[*doodles*]

Bg-thank you! How were you finally able to forgive yourself?

[Xeneon]

Doodle this may sound dumb but i prayed and others prayed with me. I saw the light in the dark. I realize if i keep working and looking for lite and everytime i thought i didn't deserve to be forgiven. Something came over me and it was strong and it was the feeling that i was forgiven. You'll find it one day doodle. Just pray!!! It takes time but it will happen. (((DOODLE)))

[*doodles*]

Thanks Bg! My T has actually suggested this healing prayer service at a nearby church. I've never been really religious, and as I've told you before, I'm kind of jaded, but I MIGHT give it a try. Maybe it will help...maybe its what I need. I don't know!

[Xeneon]

I'm gladed your going to give it a try. Just picture me standing by you cheering you on or what you need me to be that day. I know its going to be scary. Hope you find it helpful.

[Crew]

No, we don't know you but that you have been hurt in such a way....

hey We "Crew" have your back, lay back when you need to and allow
your old and New friends to hang onto you while you get to exhale.

and so glad your here!!! Crew

[Can't Stop Crying]

Are you doing any better doodle?

[*doodles*]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Are you doing any better doodle?

No, not really. Frustrated with how therapy is going. Thanks for asking, though!