[jasie]

I decided to quit running from the issues and deal with it. I am working on conquering my addictions and getting off the streets. Went to this therapist to do EMDR but the thing is there is so much I am totally overwwhelmed in therapy. When abuse starts in kindergarden and has never left your life and the abuserss are many there are just layers on layers. Flashbacks are like a train wreck jumping from this person who hurt you to that person to that person until I feel like im just going to implode. The only way Ive dealt with it for so long is by either disociating or just getting so messed up on the drugs or booze that nothing matters. I just feel like even with therapy its just impossible to do this. Ive had every kind of abuse thats in the books and I know people would condemn me and have for being a sexworker but its like I have nobody. Its all I know how to take care of myself. Sometimes it feels like abuse to me too but Im doing it to myself so I cant call it that. except what choice do I have ?
Ive tried all the help organizations. Im on lists and stuff. Its no use I have been on lists forever. Since I was young Ive survived by living on the streets since I left my home. I cant go back Id neve go back if I could. I dont know how I will ever be able to talk to this therapist that I will be going to I mean how do you say the whole story when its been your whole life. and what will he think if I tell him how Im surviving now. usually when people here that they dont see me as a person whose been abused since she was 4 they only see what I am now and hate me for it and think that I deserve whatever I get because of what I am. Sometimes I believe them because they all seem to blame me and look down on me and figure I want to bee where I am or Id get out of this life. Its very hard and scary to do that with no family or ffriends or any help. I dont have a birth certificate or a diploma. I was born here just when I ran away I didnt think of looking for important papers I was just a kid. Now Im grown and I havent a clue how to take care of myself except for living how im living. you dont get something for nothing in this world . Im just feeling scared and overwhelmed . I will fight again tomorrow. At least I am not using drugs now and trying not to drink . i am doing that one thing. and in 8 days I will see the therapist. I guess I will tell him how hopeless I feel about the emdr because its just too manythings to try to process. Maybe the therapist will know how to make my mind be more able to cope. I hope so .

thanks for listening

J

[Open Eyes]

Jasie,

You said something important here, you want to save yourself. That is really important. There have been people who fell into the cracks of a very bad lifestyle just for survival. But, with help they do recover and they also become advocates to help others. Just recognizing that you do want to save yourself is one thing a good therapist will respect. It means you are trying and more willing to listen. Dont worry about the past being an obstacle or judgement block with a therapist. Any good therapist will know that if you are so willing to SAVE YOURSELF, that their efforts will be useful and rewarding.

Open Eyes

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by jasie

I decided to quit running from the issues and deal with it.

That is a crazy awesome step right there yo! That can be sooo freakin' hard to do, especially while feeling so overwhelmed with everything too!

I am working on conquering my addictions and getting off the streets. Went to this therapist to do EMDR but the thing is there is so much I am totally overwwhelmed in therapy. When abuse starts in kindergarden and has never left your life and the abuserss are many there are just layers on layers. Flashbacks are like a train wreck jumping from this person who hurt you to that person to that person until I feel like im just going to implode.

Man, I hope you are able to talk to someone who will listen. I know it sucks to feel this down yet find yourself so alone;

The only way Ive dealt with it for so long is by either disociating or just getting so messed up on the drugs or booze that nothing matters. I just feel like even with therapy its just impossible to do this. Ive had every kind of abuse thats in the books and I know people would condemn me and have for being a sexworker but its like I have nobody. Its all I know how to take care of myself. Sometimes it feels like abuse to me too but Im doing it to myself so I cant call it that. except what choice do I have ?

Makes sense for sure if you've experienced nothing else but abuse. You have sooo much insight here Jasie, and that is yet another awesome step towards recovery

Ive tried all the help organizations. Im on lists and stuff. Its no use I have been on lists forever. Since I was young Ive survived by living on the streets since I left my home. I cant go back Id neve go back if I could. I dont know how I will ever be able to talk to this therapist that I will be going to I mean how do you say the whole story when its been your whole life.

It's gonna take the smallest steps-it's okay to take things at the pace that is right for you. It will be good practice in learning how to take care of yourself again-being able to control how much you talk about-how far you allow yourself to back through it all. I want to give you credit though, for sure that "how" feeling must be intense as hell!

and what will he think if I tell him how Im surviving now. usually when people here that they dont see me as a person whose been abused since she was 4 they only see what I am now and hate me for it

Man that sucks! I can't believe people can just judge like that-without any understanding into what you've been through, how hard you've tried...without being there for any of it-that's so ****ed up, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that on top of everything you're trying so hard to recover from. Breaks my heart yo, we do what we gotta do. Therapists are supposed to come into this knowing you are where you are not because you chose this path, but more as the fault of the abusers in your life. It is their fault, not yours Jasie.

and think that I deserve whatever I get because of what I am.

Your abusers could have made you feel like that too-like it's your fault-and **** it as a kid, we internalize things like divorces as our fault as well-like "if only I could have done something"...when really it was their responsibility to take care of you, not you take care of them.

Sometimes I believe them because they all seem to blame me and look down on me and figure I want to bee where I am or Id get out of this life.

Don't ever let anyone tell you you "chose" any of this! It's not your fault Jasie. Seriously, those are the types of people who have no ****in clue what you've had to survive in/through, and they are recreating your abusers when they put the blame on you like that.
Like Open Eyes said, you want to save yourself and that is so awesome. That means somewhere in you, you realize how badass you are. I hope you hang around the types of people you will reaffirm that for you, I hope you hear it everyday yo, cuz you are so worth it!

Its very hard and scary to do that with no family or ffriends or any help.

I'm glad you found your way to psych central-you deserve to have people who will understand and support you. Part of taking care of yourself is eliminating those who further abuse you. I had a friend going through SA and the realization that here adoptive parents and birth parents were all ****-she had to deal with all of that-and at the time I was spinning in my own stuff, and so she had to leave outta my life for awhile-that must have been hard but it's one of those steps you eventually go through when you develop the strength to take care of yourself; it will take time, time to find the people who really will be there for you-and to trust agsain-****, that will be hard too! All of it's gonna be so freaking hard, but you've gotten the most important step down already-the desire to take care of yourself.

I dont have a birth certificate or a diploma. I was born here just when I ran away I didnt think of looking for important papers I was just a kid.

Paperwork friggin sucks when you already feel so overwhelmed...the process of getting your birth certificate can also be broken down into steps that you most certainly do not have to do all at once! I think you get it at the social security office...lets say that was the case-you can take it easy on yourself...maybe the first step is thinking about how hard it is to even think about trying to go through the process. Maybe the next step is to tell tell someone....overtime maybe another step is to look at the office....when you're learning how to take care of yourself again, it's OKAY to give yourself time. And it's also okay to want and get help in doing so as well.

Now Im grown and I havent a clue how to take care of myself except for living how im living. you dont get something for nothing in this world . Im just feeling scared and overwhelmed.

Sounds like you are feeling like that scared little kid again...something the lifestyle has "helped" you avoid...you really are fighting this, you've got this yo. Something made you not want to be where you are-and as important as whatever that was, eventually you will find more and more strength to help you make it through hell and back-therpy is a *****, family and friends can make it worse-inanimate objects will seem to spit on you yo, but as long you hold that desire and will power to take care of yourself, it will get easier.

I will fight again tomorrow.

Can I get a hell yeah! You got this! It sucks, but you got this.

At least I am not using drugs now and trying not to drink . i am doing that one thing.

Holy crap that's a good deal!

and in 8 days I will see the therapist. I guess I will tell him how hopeless I feel about the emdr because its just too manythings to try to process.

You got this-no more doing things on abusers terms-you CAN take back your life from those ****ers-set YOUR pace, one step at a time.

Maybe the therapist will know how to make my mind be more able to cope. I hope so .

It will be hard-but if you are already seeing the flashbacks, you must have already worked through some of that stuff-your defense mechanisms let up enough to reveal some off those awful images and memories...I think that is a sign that you can handle it-not saying it's gonna be freaking flowers and kittens-but it's possible to get through this yo. Cuz you have something in you man, something strong and awesome if you're determined to get thorugh this after everything you've gone through.

thanks for listening

J

Thanks for posting-you are really inspiring! You're badass Jasie!

[Sannah]

Hi Jasie, I'm glad that you are going to therapy. Working through all of this will be work (you have to stick with it and keep going). I'm glad that you are taking the first steps. I hope you keep coming back here for support on your journey. I'd be very happy to support you!

[Mediator]

Hi Jasie, I cross my fingers to you, I think it is fine that you are writing here. i hope you will learn how to care about yourself. I am learning it as well and funny is that I have some diplomas.

[*doodles*]

Jasie,
I can definitely see why you are completely overwhelmed. Try to take things one step at a time. It is awesome you are trying to get help. Therapy will be very beneficial, and I have learned that the right therapist will not judge. You may not have made all the best choices, but they will see that you made those choices because of where you came from and with what you had(which is very little). It is completely understandable. You will be ok. Just keep reaching out and accepting help. It seems tough, but you can do it. I just know for me when working through the past, it is easy to do it in baby steps. When I look at the whole picture, I get overwhelmed and disassociate. So I focus on one thing and try to see the truth in that, and little by little, it feels like weights are lifted off of me.
I have hope for you.

[jwabf]

Jasie...hi!
I too was abused very young, 4 or earlier, but luckily I also had good people in my life and held it together at home. I am sad for you but I do not judge you as being bad. You are, rather, an inspiration!! You are trying to change ... and changing old patterns can be like cutting a new path through a jungle with just a nail clippers to help, and all the while the old path is easy, and open, and well-worn and so tempting. So ... gooooo Jasie!

As to EMDR ... I can't do it. I did it successfully to address issues of guilt over my son's suicide, it really helped. But when I tried to do it to address abuse issues I found I couldn't breath and had to stop very suddenly. Very unsettling. So be careful and don't continue if it is too much. Your therapist may be trying to "get to the issues" and get you some immediate relief but when you have so many many abuse issues whatever approach you take in therapy it is going to require time and more time.

You are doing the most important thing, however....taking steps to help yourself by staying off drugs. Fantastic, really. Birth certificate...if you don't need it right now in order to get help, then leave it be. Diploma? You have the rest of your life to get that and move your life along in a new direction. I would love it if you could find a place to live where you wouldn't have to support yourself in the way you normally have to, but once you start doing things differently you will find the way. There are obviously people who are out there willing to help...so maybe get back on those lists.

I hope the therapist is a good person. Take very, very, good care of yourself until then...because you deserve it, you always did. Give yourself a big hug and eat some chocolate for me...I'm diabetic but I doooo so miss it.

[jasie]

thank you all for these posts and your encouragement . I am going to read and reread them over and over so I dont let myself quit. Everyone here is so kind and understanding I dont feel like ive earned any of it but thanks.

J

[Can't Stop Crying]

Keep fighting for the healing you deserve. You made the choices you made to survive. It is not your fault. You will not be judged here! Good job in taking the first steps towards healing - it is overwhelming! You can do it though - one step at a time!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by jasie

Everyone here is so kind and understanding I dont feel like ive earned any of it but thanks.

You deserved good treatment by being born.............