[Nemo39122]

It's what my family could've been, should've been that gets to me. Especially lately. I know despite being on PC awhile I'd never posted here before. The reason for that was because I used to be able to deny everything. Whenever I'd think about the past, or remember things, I could just force them to go away. That stopped working in the past few months. I think I've mostly accepted that yes, it was abuse. But now that's got me thinking of what parents are supposed to be like. To be honest, it's probably one of the worst feelings I've ever felt.

Luckily (depending on your point of view) I can force myself to stop thinking about this. I just can't deal with it. Not to mention I don't want to. Why deal with something this depressing when I can't change the past?
I don't want to to imagine a mom that I could actually talk to about things, look up to, or whatever moms are supposed to be like. Not one that isolated me from every friend I ever made, one that was emotionally abusive for years, one that because of health issues I had to take care of since the age of 14 (which I know is NOT abuse and NOT her fault, but it's part of this I think). For not standing up for herself, and for not standing up for ME.
I don't want to imagine a dad that...I don't even know. I don't know what dads are supposed to be like, especially with their daughter(s). I just don't know. Either way, I don't want to imagine a good father. It's easier to hate him for what he was, what he is. Hate him for throwing me as a baby. For that glare that still scares me. For what that glare would always lead to...I still can't look at a belt without remembering...without that tiny amount of fear that I'm not sure will ever go away. Hate him for always choosing alcohol over his children. Always.

I don't know why this is coming up now. I don't know why I stopped being able to just deny how bad it was, or even that alot of it happened. Whatever the reason, I just want it to stop. I liked holding on to the lie that through everything, I still had what could maybe resemble a normal family. Maybe that's why I always felt a need for structure growing up. Deep down I knew there wasn't any at home. Either way, any lies I told myself before, any image of a family I tricked myself into believing I have, any structure, its all gone. It feels like it just shattered and everything is just a lie. Normally I like knowing the truth of things, normally I try to work through issues and not run away from them. Not with this. I feel like I almost don't even know who I am anymore. Maybe my image of myself is a lie too. I just want to go back to denying everything. The truth hurts, and I don't know what to do about it.

[dinosaurs]

geez what you wrote is really familiar to me



i know for me its been like what i thought was reality got shattered and everything lay in rubble around me and its just like how the hell am i supposed to build anything out of that. where am i supposed to go from here. how can i continue to live a lie.

i dont have any answers for you. ive cycled around anger/grief/acceptance and somehow im stuck back here on hating them with no idea how to move forward from this. and i find it really isolating when im reminded how i have absolutely no idea what a healthy family is supposed to be like/look like/feel like. it is just so sad and soul destroying.

you deserve so much better than what you got hun. i hope you find your way through this. be gentle with you.

[Onward2wards]

If you were my daughter, I would feel privileged to be your dad. I would be proud of your strength, your drive, your humor, your expressiveness, and your honesty. I feel honored to be your friend. Just needed to let you know that.

((((( Nemo )))))

[danii24]

"Whenever I'd think about the past, or remember things, I could just force them to go away. That stopped working in the past few months. I think I've mostly accepted that yes, it was abuse"

" I can force myself to stop thinking about this. I just can't deal with it. Not to mention I don't want to. Why deal with something this depressing when I can't change the past? "

I can relate to them feelings. I hid from feeling these things for years but lately i cant hid from it anymore. Going over this stuff is hard. I only admitted some stuff to myself recently but im in councilling now to help me to get over it. Thankfully it wasnt my family so i dnt no really what your going through on respect. but keeping it hidden and trying to forget about it hasnt helped me at all and it ruins relationships that i try to have because i never confrontrd the issue

[Korin]

I too have spent a fare amount of time over the years pushing stuff away. I used to say leave me with my delusions they are all that is keeping me alive. My theory on why it begins to surface has something to do with us becoming stronger and more able to deal. Doesn’t mean it won’t be painful but we don’t have to take it all onboard at once. We can and should go at our own pace. I think it has a lot to do with growing up and becoming our own person - no matter what age we are.

Being kind and gentle with yourself helps the process along.

[Mediator]

Hi Nemo
I confirm that for me it is same for me. It is something as a magic for me to be here and to recognize the truth.
Tc
Mediator

[Sannah]

Hi Nemo, one of the first steps of healing is accepting what happened and how things were. You can't move forward on unstable ground. Accepting what happened and how things were puts you on stable ground instead of floating around in some fantasy world.

It is difficult and it will be painful. Go at your own pace as Korin suggested above.

Do you have a therapist?

[SoupDragon]

All children deserve to be brought up, not in perfect homes, but homes where they are loved, valued and listended to and noticed. I am sorry your parents failed you in these ways - you deserved so much more.

Yes for me the word "abuse" has been hard to get my head round. I still see my mother daily and my father weekly - although he is old and frail now and I can hardly bear to look at him - these things are never discussed between us - we carry on in our superficial ways.

Actually now, although my father still revolts me, I feel sorry for my mother - although she failed in protecting me and making me feel loved, I think she did the best she could - I just don't think she had it in her to be different, she had her own difficulties as a child.

When I can face listening to one of my fathers stories of his childhood, I am also aware that he was raised by an abusive mother - this same person (my Garndmother) who was such an important person in my life, probably the most important person to me as a child - it just doesn't fit with my fathers description of her. This makes me think, that maybe she too did the best she could and with maturity came grater insight with an ability to make an abusive mother into a kind and caring Grandmother - she is dead now but I wonder whether she had regrets about her failure as a mother.

I know I can't change what happened, but maybe slowly I can change how I think and feel about it. This is not to benefit my parents and to let them off the hook, but to benefit me in being able to forgive, to lose that horrible destructive anger that rests inside me and be able to move on with my life.

I am nowhere near there yet, but for me I think it is the way out of this land of limbo I have lived in for so long.

Thank-you for sharing this and yes the truth does hurt, but I think by exploring it, we are able to start to heal. Take care - SD

[googley]

Hi ((((((((((((((Nemo)))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you experienced this. For me the first step was accepting that it was abuse. When someone first told me that what had happened to me was abuse (a friend), I totally denied it. I denied it because it was easier to deny what happened than to face the pain that I was being intentionally hurt by my family. Even after I admitted it, I put off processing it until I was out of my family's house for good. Until then it wasn't safe to dig up the past and deal with it because I had to keep going back for vacations. But I was able to deal with some of the other stuff that was happening. The way that the abuse effected the rest of my life.

I know you aren't seeing a T, but I would really suggest looking into the T services provided by your school. Often they have free T for students. It will help you deal with the feelings that are coming up. You need to take care of yourself first. I know it is hard to admit that you need help. I know you have a lot of obligations in your life. Please take care of yourself. Get the help you need to deal with this stuff that is coming up. There is a point where it wont stay down anymore. It is best to have a support network in place for when that happens as it appears to be starting for you.

[Amazonmom]

oh honey, im so sorry. I really recommend finding a t. You will learn how to attach to someone in a healthy way- and gradually you will be able to remember your past without having to relive it.

You are young enough to be my daughter. You are well spoken , mature, and a good friend. I am proud of what you have been able to do in your young life.

I know you hate sparkly vampires but here is a sparkly smiley.