[corpuscallosum]

I am a survivor (or am I?) of sexual harrassment and abuse which paled into insignificance in the light of the vengeance my mother wreaked on me for the 25 or so years following the leching and fumblings of my stepfather.

She repeatedly told me I was a paranoid schozophrenic until exasperated, I went to a psychiatrist and told her I was mad. "Why do you think you are mad?" she asked..."Because my mother told me..." uh oh! (doh!) There's more. She was and is a cruel and neglectful mother. My father and stepfather are distant memories of even more distant bullies.

So here's my rant. Victims of sexual abuse do not automatically become abusers or even tyrants later in life. However people still think they do, and that really upsets me. I do not get off on control or emotional/sexual relations with minors - in fact the very thought leaves me cold and slightly repelled. That does not mean that survivors and victims are repellent to me. I just don't understand why people still think that. If anything I am far too self depreciating and lack self esteem. The worst thing I have ever done, under extreme stress - I might add, was go into a sexual relationship with a man who reminded me of my stepfather because I truly believed at that time I didn't deserve better. Actually, although very sad, that unpleasant relationship (and man) taught me to respect myself a bit more. He was a selfish, twit as was my stepfather. The second worst thing I ever did was allow a jealous female colleague to get me drunk at an AGM whereupon I compromised my professional integrity by having a drunken grope with an unattractive OLDER man who, through my gin-soaked vision resembled my ex husband. He started stalking me and I resigned over the embarrassment.

I am going to have to continue this at a later date. I have the beginnings of a migraine attack (unrelated to this subject matter).....

bye for now

[Sannah]

Hi Corpus, most, if not all abusers were abused themselves but not all people who were abused become abusers. You hear people saying that everyone who was abused becomes an abuser?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Not all survivors become abusers.

My aunt told me I was mentally ill all my life.

I have to hunt for help that is appropriate, which includes them NOT blaming the victims! And not prejudging or stereotyping survivors.

Billi

[corpuscallosum]

Hi Sannah and Billi,

While I was at Uni I went to a lecture designed to help students decide if they wanted to work with abuse victims or not. (I was studying psychology) - the lecturer said that it is not strictly true that all abuse victims go on to become abusers. Firstly because most abuse victims (though not all) are female - also most abusers (again, not all) are male. He went on to say that it is children who are exposed to extreme rage or fear who are more likely to become abusers. It seems sexual abuse is not so much about sexual desire and genuine intimacy, but more about hate, anger and control. Still a lot of people (I am not saying everyone) believe that victims of sexual abuse will become abusers by default - and that is what upsets me.

I decided I was far too sensitive to counsel abuse victims - had a lot of inner work to do, which I have done.

My stepfather sexually abused me; my father physically abused me and my mother wanted vengeance - and made sure I suffered for it. So that is the last of my victim story. I sincerely believe that as soon as we are aware enough and able our lives are under our control and I don't feel I have the right to blame my parents for my misery today. I have forgiven a lot - what I could understand. New stuff comes up into my awareness and I work on it, or just let it go. Life is too short to poke at old wounds. I have been lucky enough to have some very good friends and counselors who allowed me to work through my issues. My family didn't even believe me - an Aunt once said it - until my first marriage failed they all thought I'd lied about what happened, but then they believed me. Nice. Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt and I am grateful she had the guts to be honest about it, but some people can cause a lot of harm by saying insensitive things.

The police and social workers handled my case very badly. I freaked out a bit after my second child was born, but it was just a tantrum and probably post baby blues. My children were the best thing that ever happened in my life. I couldn't imagine doing anything to harm them, and also watching them grow up in a safe environment has helped me heal my pain and guilt. Of course it wasn't my fault - I wonder at all the years I blamed myself and hurt myself.