[Garrettlst]

Hey all,

I'm new here so here's my story and what brought me here. I'm 29 years old and I've been struggling with internalized anger issues since I was about 20 years old. My parents got divorced when I was 14 like so many parents do. My father wasn't there for my mother emotionally and I think she just couldn't take it anymore. She ended up having an affair with the owner of the company she worked for. He also happened to be our family friend we would vacation with, go to bbq's, etc. My father was already a troubled and angry person as it was, but I don't think he was equipped to handle rejection. He ended up running off and getting married a few months later and just happened to show me his ring in passing the next time I saw him. He moved away shortly after that and I grew up with my mother and stepfather (family friend). So, I think I was actually in shock at the time and I just buried a lot of the feelings I was experiencing. My father slowly stopped calling and contacting me, and by the time I was in college he had gone an entire year without calling, and that's all I ever wanted from him. He seemed to play games with me like when I would call him because he wasn't taking an interest in my life he would say "it's about time you called." It wasn't fair that he treated me that way. I wanted to be a part of his life, and whenever I did make an attempt he made it so difficult to want to be around him. He would start bad mouthing my mother, and I once went on a vacation with him and his wife and I was screaming inside to just get me out of there. He's always been a miserable person to be around. I literally can't think of many moments where we shared genuine laughs together. Any time I was around him we did what he wanted. He liked to go duck hunting, so we did just that. He never stopped and asked what I like to do. All I ever wanted was his attention and love, but he never gave me that. He withheld it from me. I wanted to feel like he cared about me, but that's not what I got. I used to get 1 call a year from him, and it was during Christmas. Every year he wouldn't call or attempt to have a relationship with me, but oh boy, when Christmas came around he just expected me to drop everything and come see him. I couldn't handle the unstable relationship. You couldn't even call it a relationship actually. I was so angry because of the pain that he put me through, and I always expected him to change. I always thought that he would get to a point where he feels sorry for what he did. One time, I called him up to see if he would meet with me and a counselor because I knew I wouldn't get through to him or change his behavior. He told me "You're the one with the issue and you need to get your f***ing head fixed." Obviously it scared him a bit that I was already seeing a therapist about the damage that was done to me. Another time he hadn't called me for about 2 years and he saw me at a birthday party for my niece. He walked up to me and started laughing and said his name followed by "nice to meet you." At that point I was so angry I simply said "I know who you are" and walked away. That was the first time I had ever stood up to him, and it helped my confidence level a lot.

So what I'm doing now is reading a forgiveness book and learning some good things. A lot of the anger inside me has remained with me because I have always wanted him to feel sorry for how he treated me all those years. I wanted an apology, but I have never gotten one. I have been carrying that anger for so long, but one thing I'm starting to realize and one thing this book is teaching me is that I need to stop trying to get something from someone who can't give it to me. That I need to find people in my life that can fill those needs that my father can't provide. I am on my journey to healing, and I need support from people who have experienced things in their lives that have caused them problems like this. I have let this affect my life for long enough. I often find myself dwelling on these things in my life that have gone wrong, and I want to create new habits in my life that are positive. I'm tired of playing the victim, and I want to choose healthier ways of dealing with my past. I especially don't want to take out these problems on my fiancee, which I have done in the past. Thanks for reading my rant.

Garrett

[Sannah]

Hi Garrett, I'm sorry about how your dad treated you. Many people with a lot of emotional problems are self centered and simply cannot see beyond themselves. Sounds like you are getting off to a good start in making things better for yourself. Welcome to PC. Keep posting...........

[unaluna]

I am really proud of you and how you are handling things.

[Ardmore]

I understand your situation and I'll be here for you.

My mother neglected me for years and she expects me to call her all the time, you wonder sometimes who the parent is in situations like this.

I personal don't think you should forgive your father for his neglect and immaturity but I'll support you what ever you decide

[Garrettlst]

Thanks for the support. This is what I really need. I don't have money for a therapist, but this forum is a great place to get the support I really need. Thanks to all of you who understand.

[hopefultoday]

I'm dealing with some anger issuses with my father too and just can't let them go even though I want to and need to very badly. What book are you reading? I do understand what you are going through.

[Open Eyes]

"My father wasn't there for my mother emotionally and I think she just couldn't take it anymore."

Why? There is a reason for this.

" My father was already a troubled and angry person as it was, but I don't think he was equipped to handle rejection."

Why? There is a reason for this too. He has been rejected before so it is often hard for him to
figure out how to reach out, and if he makes an attempt and it is picked apart he will not make more efforts.

" My father slowly stopped calling and contacting me, and by the time I was in college he had gone an entire year without calling, and that's all I ever wanted from him."

Why? There is a reason for this too that you are not seeing. He is waiting for you to call him, your both waiting here.

" He seemed to play games with me like when I would call him because he wasn't taking an interest in my life he would say "it's about time you called."

Big clue here. Here again he feels that you don't call him or love him, this is a repeat feeling or message from his past, something he has learned, and you have learned it too.

"He would start bad mouthing my mother"

Another clue. She didn't give him what he always wanted either approval. He never figured out how to get it, no one taught him, showed him or rewarded him.

"He's always been a miserable person to be around."

He must have been a very unhappy man, another clue.

" I literally can't think of many moments where we shared genuine laughs together."

Unhappy people don't know how to share genuine laughs with people.

" Any time I was around him we did what he wanted. He liked to go duck hunting, so we did just that. He never stopped and asked what I like to do."

Gee did you ever make any suggestions, it doesn't sound to me like anyone did that with him and left all the planning up to him. And guess what, he was never a mind reader. Did you ever tell him you would like to do something other than duck hunting or did you just assume that was the only thing you COULD do together?

" All I ever wanted was his attention and love, but he never gave me that. He withheld it from me. I wanted to feel like he cared about me, but that's not what I got"

I am wondering if he ever got it growing up either. Did he? Do you think he was taught that it was important to care? Do you think he felt someone CARED about him?

" Every year he wouldn't call or attempt to have a relationship with me, but oh boy, when Christmas came around he just expected me to drop everything and come see him."

Maybe that is the only real time of year he ever felt attention from his parents. It must be a very important time for him each year.

"You couldn't even call it a relationship actually. I was so angry because of the pain that he put me through, and I always expected him to change. I always thought that he would get to a point where he feels sorry for what he did."

Ok, your right he doesnt know how to really have a relationship, probably never really learned how to do it and was just expected to know how to do it.
He was in pain as well, felt like a failure probably all his life, no laughs, real affection, and did not really know how to be a loving dad or husband.

" Another time he hadn't called me for about 2 years and he saw me at a birthday party for my niece. He walked up to me and started laughing and said his name followed by "nice to meet you."

So, did you ever call him all that time? YOUR BOTH THE SAME CAN YOU SEE IT?

Garrett,
I have presented some of your statements here and it is very important that you stop and think about a few things.

I understand that your reading a good book. And your final paragraph is a very positive paragraph. But you have to learn how to put that paragraph into action. And you have to understand that that paragraph is only just a beginning of a journey.

If you grew up with a man that never learned how to play golf, would you spend the rest of your life hating him and blaming him and holding onto anger over it?

You have to really think about what your father is really saying in his actions and reactions. People do not just grow up and know how to be all the things you wanted your father to be. Your father clearly never learned how to have a sense of self worth from his parents. Your father obviously never learned how to be a good father and how to raise children, he probably never learned that growing up, probably never had a good role model. And your father just expected other people to know how all this family stuff worked because he never really learned and it always made him feel like a failure. Your own feelings are probably very much like your fathers feelings, you are a chip off the old block here.

I cannot blame you for what you have unknowingly learned, that is something all children come to realize at some point in their lives. But you have to stop looking at that parent you should have had or expected to have and start looking at the man that obviously did not truely know how to be all those things you wanted him to be.

He didn't call you, and you didn't call him,SAME, your both the same, do you see that? Your father learned that unknowingly and so did you.

And this is very important to understand. When we take out our angers and frustration on others in a relationship the only thing that truely happens is that behavior is learned by the other person and no real relationship takes place. And you have also done that with your boyfriend. SAME, YOU ARE REPEATING THE SAME THING YOUR FATHER REPEATED FROM HIS CHILDHOOD RELATIONS.

We are what we know, a very important statment to truely understand because if you don't you are going to be unhappy your whole life.
You are only beginning to realize that SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE and you are even reading it in a book. But you have to dig deeper than that, you have to actually learn skills that your father never knew and you don't know either. Because if you DID know you would actually be able to overcome that hurdle with your father. Because he can't do it, he doesn't know it, he never learned it. And you are punishing each other for something that neither of you learned how to do.

Your father has had quite a few more years to stew over it than you have and he has also had a failed marriage and cannot communicate with his daughter either. He doesn't get it and you are only beginning to open your eyes.

You have to learn something you never learned, he never learned and both of you are hurting because of it, you are both laying in wait for something to change that cannot change until one of you actually learns.

Think about this,
Open Eyes

Welcome to the Community, Garrett. Forgiveness is a process. I wish you well.

[Open Eyes]

Garrett, I am not trying to be harsh in my post. You are opening your eyes and trying to see, so I wanted you to see some things to help you really succeed.
While it is true that we can only change ourselves, it is also true that we can find ways to understanding others and communicating better. You may have to be the better one here, clearly your father never learned. You have decided that you want to change, you want things to change in your life, well, you also have to know that means you just can't sit back and expect others to be mind readers and know what you want. You have to make efforts to express your needs and be also willing to see that others may not be capable of communicating the way you want. When you begin to behave the way you want to be treated you can teach others how as well.
But you must realize that the process is slow and you can't just expect others to be quick learners. And you have to keep yourself in check emotionally to be sure that you don't slip back into old habits of getting angry whenever you don't get the response you are looking for.

It is up to you to see it and be strong enough to break the cycle. Everytime you feel a need you have to express it from now on, in a way you would like things to be truely presented to you. Your mom and dad didn't have it, know it, or teach it to you. But that doesn't mean you can't learn it for yourself and practice it and cultivate it to get that desired result you want out of life.

Open Eyes

[beautiful.mess]

Hi Garrett (welcome to pc - I'm new here too)

I'm very sorry about your life with your father. FWIW, my relationship with my father is down the tank for similar reasons. My brother REFUSES to even have a relationship with him and has cut contact. My relationship with my mother is only marginally better.

It's SO HARD to get past this stuff. These are the people who were supposed to love you and care for you, and it's so difficult to finally accept that no one has been minding the store, so to speak. It's literally heartbreaking to accept that our parent (or parents) are really and truly toxic people to be around who may or may not change. Remember, your first priority is YOU. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

Keep coming here if it helps you. I care.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Garrettlst

Thanks for the support. This is what I really need. I don't have money for a therapist, but this forum is a great place to get the support I really need. Thanks to all of you who understand.

Hi Garret
I confirm that it is same for me here. I think I tried to forgive my parents because I thought I need it to grow up but I realized that I understand them and it is painful and it is what is reality.
Take care
Mediator